“But?”
“But I have feelings for Chad that I can’t get rid of, no matter how hard I try. I know that if I’m with you, I’ll have everything I want. You’re good, and kind, and fun to be with.”
“And what does Chad have to offer?”
She pursed her lips. “We have undeniable chemistry. I don’t think that people find that very often in life.”
I rubbed my face with my hands. This was bad. The girl I loved was giving me reasons she liked my best friend. It was tough to hear, and I didn’t know how much more of it I could take.
“Just remember who got you into this mess,” I said.
“I know,” she said sadly. “You can see why I’m having such a hard time with this. I know what I should do, but I just can’t make the final call.”
“I need to hear an answer from you,” I said firmly. “I can’t leave until I know how to move forward. I don’t think I can wait around forever like this, never knowing where I rank until I’ve spent years of my life pining after you, just to have you ditch me for him.”
I saw tears well up in her eyes and felt terrible. I hated putting her in that position, but I needed to know.
“I’ll give you a decision,” she said, clearing her throat. “I choose neither of you. I’m going to have to get a new job and maybe even move out of the city. I can’t keep stringing the both of you along if I can’t even stay. The problems I have right now go way beyond boy troubles. It’s not fair to either of you for me to choose one or the other of you. If I must choose, I choose neither of you. I need to take care of myself right now.”
I felt my heart crumbling, but I forced a reassuring smile on my face. It hurt like hell, but more than anything, I wanted her to be okay.
“If you ever change you mind,” I said, standing up from the couch, “you know where to find me. I can’t wait around forever, but I think it will take some time to get over you.”
She stood up to walk me to the door. I wanted to fight her to love me, but I knew it was a lost cause.
“Take care of yourself,” I said, taking her hands in mine. “The last few months have been incredible. You’re an amazing person, and you deserve the very best in life. I just wish I could have been a part of it.”
She pulled me in for a hug and I felt hot tears drip onto my shoulder. I was absolutely miserable, so in some way, it was sort of a consolation to see her struggling with this too. At the very least, I knew that I meant something to her, even if it wasn’t enough.
“Goodbye.” She sniffled. “I’m sorry we couldn’t make this work.”
“Me too,” I said glumly. “Good luck with the new job. Any hospital would be lucky to have you.”
She tried to smile, but it just made her eyes water more. I couldn’t stand to see her cry again, so I made my departure.
I knew Whitney had things much worse than I did, but I couldn’t help but feel sorry for myself. Walking back to my car, I hoped it wouldn’t be the last time I walked down her driveway. In a few short days, the life that I had already imagined for us had dissolved into nothingness. Once again, I was alone.
Chapter Sixteen
Whitney
It wasn’t often that I cried over men, but I woke up the next morning completely dehydrated from wine and a long cry. I felt completely miserable, but I didn’t have time to wallow in self-pity. I needed to get to work.
After rounds, I went back to my office and wrote a resignation letter. I spared the details for my reason to leave because there was no point in it—everyone already knew exactly what had happened. I wiped my tears and sent it to the chief of staff, along with copies for each of the partners. They would have to cover my patients, but in time, everything would return to normal. They didn’t need me.
For the second day in a row, I felt like everyone’s eyes were on me. Word traveled quickly, but instead of the usual goodbyes and well wishes, I was met with silence and averted eyes. I had only been working there for a short amount of time, so no one owed me anything.
It was all such a shame, too. I really liked the hospital and I thought I could make it my home for many years to come. Instead, I was leaving, a disgrace to my parents and to myself.
I finished the day and went back home, a knot in the bottom of my stomach. I was officially unemployed. Luckily, I had enough money to make things work, but I didn’t know how to be without work. My college and medical school years were full of hard work and little fun. Then I went through residency, and I worked longer hours than I even thought were possible. Finally, I had begun my first job and had a chance at starting my life, and it was already falling apart.
For the rest of the night, I scrolled through job postings, looking for whatever was available within a twenty-mile radius. I didn’t want to leave my home behind. I hadn’t even had the chance to tell Maria about everything yet, though I didn’t doubt that she already knew. If I left, I would have to make all new friends. I would have to go on dates with guys I didn’t find that interesting. I had everything I needed here. At least, I did at one point.
On the other hand, I wondered if space would make things easier for me. If I couldn’t easily make the drive to Ted’s house, or even Chad’s, for that matter, then I wouldn’t be tempted to look them up on a lonely night. I wouldn’t face the risk of running into them at the supermarket, or worse, on a date with another woman.
Also, I would have the space I needed from my mother and her new husband. Now that she had him, she didn’t really need me anymore. She’d needed me to keep her company and check up on her every once in a while. With Paul in the picture, she always had someone to keep her company. I had been replaced.
It was a bit of a relief, though. It was hard to be the perfect child because my mom was always watching. I didn’t want to disappoint her. I think the threat of her disapproval was part of what powered me through school and into my first job. From far away, I could do as I pleased without worrying about word of what I was doing traveling back to her. I was nearly thirty—much too old to be looking for her approval.
Unable to decide which direction I wanted to take, I applied for a handful of jobs all over the area. As long as I could leave without my reputation following me, I would be fine. My grades were good enough to get me just about anywhere. If I could convince one of the partners to write me a good letter of recommendation, I would be set.
Luckily, Chad managed to squash the video before it got too far. If it had found its way to the Internet, then I’d have to move out of the country and change my name. However, the only people who knew about it were at the hospital, and I wouldn’t step foot in that place again, even if my life depended on it.
If there were a way to wipe my own memory, I’d do it in a flash. Chad and Ted consumed every other thought that wasn’t related to my career and the shame I felt from the leaked video. I really did think I was in love with both of them, at least a little bit.
I did feel absolutely horrible about sending Ted away like that. He was such a sweetheart, and I felt like I completely broke his heart. If things were different, I would want to make it work with him. The problem was, I would also want to make things work with Chad. That’s why I decided I had to choose neither of them. I loved the two of them too much to only pick one and hurt the other in return.