"Yeah. Teagan and I caught a few shows. Remember that one in Tonsberg, Norway we went to last year?"
Teagan laughs. "Oh, yeah. Cillian and Maeve got so hammered after the show, they were like speaking another language or something. I swear it was Russian, which neither one of them speaks, but they kept saying some of the same words over and over so half the time it sounded realistic."
They both launch into memories of that trip but acid burns in my chest. Was that at the time when Maeve and Cillian were together? Is that how they spent their free time together? Getting drunk? Probably screwing like rabbits?
I can't help my jealous reaction. I know that was in the past, and I know Cillian is with me now. At least, I think he is. I mean, we haven't uttered formal words of commitment, but we spend all of our free time together, so this feels like a relationship.
But then a small measure of doubt creeps in. Really, how long will this last? Cillian will start traveling again; he'll probably be working long hours when they get back in the studio to record. Will there be room for me then? And really... can I be a part of that lifestyle? While I like to go out on occasion and tie one on, I'm really not a hard partier. I never have been. To me, a great night is sitting in front of a TV and watching an old movie or something.
I'm starting to feel a lameness that hadn't occurred to me before, and I'm suddenly wondering what do Cillian and I have in common? Other than great sex, nothing comes readily to mind and that bums me out in a major way.
Cady and Teagan don't seem to have noticed that I've dropped out of the conversation. They eventually start talking about Teagan's latest sex-capades and I try to follow along. I nurse at my wine but my stomach is turning with my morose thoughts.
Eventually, Cillian and the band make their way to us. When they get to our table, Cillian introduces me to Daniel and Maeve. I put on my best smile, saying hello. Cillian takes the seat next to me, and it causes my stomach to churn when Maeve takes the one next to him. It takes all of two seconds for Sean to order rounds of Tullemore for everyone to pound, but I decline and so does Cillian. I note that he doesn't seem to be too happy that Sean is openly pouring alcohol down everyone's throats with Maeve so recently out of her failed attempt at rehab.
Cillian sits next to me and keeps his arm around my back, his thumb grazing my shoulder every now and then. But he's in his element... with his band, and their laughter and jokes don't include me. Maeve seems to be on good behavior and I'm impressed she's dutifully drinking a bottle of water. The entire conversation consists of stories of their times together on tour, or parties they went to after, or crazy fan happenings. It's like another world to me.
Partly to take a break, and partly because I really have to pee, I stand from the table, excusing myself for the restroom. When I finish my business and come out from the stall, I'm surprised to see Maeve standing at the sink. Her hip is resting against it and she's casually picking at her nails when I open the door to step out.
I blink once at her and offer a smile. "Hey, Maeve."
She doesn't return it and the intense stare she gives me creeps me out a bit. I have a feeling that I've just entered judgment day.
"I don't like you," she starts without preamble. "You're not good for Cillian."
Shocked wouldn't even being to describe my feeling. I sort of expected her to be distant, maybe a bit rude given the circumstances of our first run in at Cillian's apartment. I never in a million years thought she would come right out with something so vile.
"I don't know what to say to that," I tell her quietly.
"You don't have to say anything. It wasn't meant to invite conversation. I'm surprised I'm even wasting my time with you, but you need to know that I'm not giving Cillian up. You might be on his radar right now, but when it's all said and done, you don't fit into his world. I do. And I always will. We have history together that you could never even hope to understand. And you certainly can't compete with it."
Okay, now I'm getting pissed. It's one thing for me to have these doubts, but it's another for me to let her try to sabotage my relationship with Cillian. I won't roll over that easy.
Still, it's with a calm voice that I tell her, "Look, Maeve. I don't know what your major malfunction is, and I don't really care. Your issues are your own and don't have a damn thing to do with me. Let's just agree not to like each other and be done with it."
She surprises me with a laugh, when I half expected her to smack me. "Fair enough. But I play dirty, little girl. Oh, and if you're thinking to tell Cillian about this little exchange, I wouldn't if I were you. There's nothing he hates more than to see two women bickering over him. That will cause him to turn tail and run quickly."
She turns to leave the bathroom, but then pauses, glancing back at me. "But then again, go ahead and tell him. It'll pave the way a lot faster for me to move back in."
I stand at the sink for a moment, washing my hands over and over again. The adrenaline rush I felt over her words starts to ebb and all of a sudden, I just feel tired.
When I make my way back to the table, I burn with anger seeing that Maeve has her chair pulled close to Cillian's, although I get a small measure of satisfaction that he seems to be ignoring her. Bending down near his ear opposite of Maeve, I whisper, "I'm kind of tired. I think I'm going to head home."
He looks disappointed as I'd expected and stands from the table, pulling me off to the side. "Are you sure? I was kind of hoping we could just hang with the band for a bit tonight."
"I'm sorry. I just have a bit of a headache and think I need a good night's sleep. But, please... stay and hang with your friends. I want you to."
He looks unsure as he glances back at the table, the lot of them laughing uproariously. "I don't want you walking home by yourself."
"Cillian," I say with exasperation. "I was walking myself home each night without you. I think I can manage."
"Yeah, but that was before you had me to worry about you." His words warm me but then I'm brought back to reality when he says, "How about you promise me to take a cab and then I won't have to worry?"
I give him a smile and I hope my eyes are warm enough so he doesn't see that I have a cold pit in my stomach. So much for being the one he wants to go home with tonight. "Sure. No problem."
I lean up to give him a quick kiss, hoping he'll make it linger. He doesn't. He accepts the swift meeting of lips and lets me say goodbye to the rest of the table. My stomach burns hotter over the look of triumph Maeve gives me as she says goodbye.
CHAPTER 18
Cillian
Renner is gone for all of two seconds when I realize I miss her terribly. I had thought an evening hanging with my best mates was what I wanted, but her absence is oppressive. It only takes me another two minutes to make my goodbyes and I'm heading out the door. I smile to myself seeing Sean's knowing look, all the while Maeve's look of disappointment causes my stomach to churn.
When I reach her apartment door, I have a stitch in my side from running. Why I didn't drive my car is beyond me, but I wasn't really thinking. I just naturally took the route that she and I had walked together so many times. Except this time I ran.
She opens the door and her eyes are wide with surprise. She's already ditched the sexy miniskirt outfit and has on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Her hair is pulled up, her face freshly washed and
she's actually holding her toothbrush in her hand, a glob of toothpaste on it.
"What are you doing here?"
I step inside and close the door behind me. "I missed you."
"I've been gone for less than ten minutes," she says, skepticism written all over her face. I don't like that she would doubt me.
"It was ten minutes too long," I tell her as I grab the bottom of her t-shirt and pull her toward me.
When this girl became so important to me, I have no clue. But she makes me feel things I've never felt before. While I tried to teach her how to lose control every once in a while, the truth is... I'm the one without it anymore.
She sighs. "Cillian, I'm tired and I'm just going to go to sleep. You should head back and hang out with everyone."
Okay, this is not going according to my plan. I thought she would be happy to see me here. I envisioned her falling into my arms and then me making furious love to her... preferably bent over the couch this time. Instead, she acts like she doesn't want me here.
"What's going on with you, Renner?"
"Nothing," she says as she pulls out of my grasp and heads back to the bathroom. I follow her in there and watch as she turns on the water to brush her teeth. I lean against the doorframe, my arms crossed over my chest.
After she finishes and pats her mouth dry on a towel, she turns to face me but keeps her eyes on the floor.
I put my hand under her chin and tip her face up. Something is really bothering her and I don't like to see her sad. "Spill it, Renner. What's wrong?"
She gives me a tremulous smile and my heart nearly breaks over the quiver in her bottom lip. "I don't know. Nothing. Maybe everything."
I bring my hands up to cup her face, my eyes sympathetic. "Tell me what it is, and I'll fix it."
She brings her hands up and they clasp at my wrists. She takes a deep breath. "I'm just wondering... where this is going? Do you and I really even have anything in common other than the fact we like to fuck each other?"
Those words make me wince, because I can see how she thinks that. Every time I'm around her, I don't make any secret of how much I want her. But that's not all there is to us, surely. I mean, when she left The Hibernian tonight, my first thoughts weren't that I wanted to fuck her. No, my first thought was I just missed having her sit next to me. I missed her presence. Her smell. Her smile.