Off Chance (Off 5)

My words have more than one meaning. I'm thankful that she loosened up her stubborn pride and didn't resist the offer of the trip. I'm grateful she decided to take our relationship to the next level, because let's face it... Rowan epitomizes my every waking fantasy. I'll never forget the tears she shed at the wedding, because that means her heart has the capacity to understand that apathy and rejection have no place in a loving relationship.

I hope she understands the strides she's made, and I hope she has more gas in the tank to push forward.

I'll certainly know after tonight.

We order one dessert and share it between us. The chocolate mousse is divine, and fuck if it's not sensual at the same time, as I watch the way Rowan licks at the spoon. It reminds me of how she went down on me this evening in the shower as we got ready for dinner. Of how she pulled me in close, with her hands gripping my ass hard, and took every bit of me down her throat.

After the last plate is cleared and we finish our wine, I say, "Let's take a walk."

I stand up from the table and help her from her chair. She looks stunning, more so than normal, and I'm not sure if it's the moonlight on her skin, the wine in my belly, or the fact that I've come to the realization that I love her like I've never loved before.

We stroll down to the water's edge, kicking our shoes off and dipping our toes in the water. I pull her in for a hug and she doesn't hesitate, laying her head on my chest. I know she can feel the way my heart is beating like mad, because I'm getting ready to lay my soul bare to her.

"Rowan," I say and she leans back slightly to look at me. I reach up and cup her face with my hands. Even though it's dark, the moonlight shines in her eyes and they look like the color of smoke when I lay water on a hot fire, and that seems apropos to me.

There are so many things I need to tell her. "Marney was the first and only girl I ever loved. And I know that when you're eighteen, you probably really don't even know what true love is... but I've spent the last eight years looking for something that would equal that. I've spent my entire career trying to fill that void... to make up for her loss."

Her eyes hold on to me but I can't read what she's thinking so I press on. "Then I met you, and my perspective changed. I realized all the things I thought were absolute truth, were nothing more than filters on the lenses through which I was looking. You became sort of a cloth that wiped away the grime of my past. I feel like I see clearly now, and once my eyes were fully opened... all I saw was you. All I want to see is you."

She doesn't say anything and her expression doesn't change, but she doesn't break eye contact. "I guess what I'm trying to say... what I feel like you need to know before I can take one more breath... is that I love you. I love you more than anything I've ever loved in my life."

I finish with a deep breath and I let it out, glad to have that revelation out in the open, and hopeful that it will provide a springboard to strengthen this new relationship.

I wait... hopeful to hear those three words back. Almost expecting it.

But it doesn't come. Instead, her eyelids lower and she looks down, breaking the connection. I wait, because maybe... just maybe, she's trying to find the right way to tell me that she loves me.

When she looks back up, her eyes are now filled with sorrow and her lips are drawn down.

"Flynn," she says and there is apology dripping from my name. "I... I'm not sure what to say."

My heart drops but I try to take some measure of comfort in the fact that her first words weren't 'but I don't love you'. I hold out hope... that she'll give me hope.

"Tell me how you feel," I urge her.

She steps away from me and my arms fall to my side. Turning her back, she walks a few paces from the water's edge. When she turns around, the moonlight reveals genuine affection. "I care for you. You know I do."

She trails off, looking down to the sand.

"There's a 'but' in there... right?"

"But... I'm not sure I know what love is. Because... otherwise, my first thought would have been to immediately tell you that 'I love you, too'. Right? I mean, shouldn't that have been my first instinct?"

Yes, that's exactly what she would have said if it were true. I realize this with a small level of despair.

She walks back up to me and wraps her arms around my waist... putting her head back to my chest. My arms wrap around her and I hold her tight.

Her words are soft and sad. "My first instinct was... the first thing that came to mind... really, words that rang out loud in my head were, 'But what is love?'. I questioned my understanding of love, and I questioned yours. What does that say about me?"

I'm silent because I know what it says about her. She doesn't trust her feelings. And now I don't trust mine. What if I don't really understand it either? What if I'm so swept up in the amazing sex we've been having, that I've miscalculated what we really have going on?

But then I realize... no! There is something far more than sex going on here. Rowan has opened up to me the way she's never done before. I've brought the book she gave me for Christmas... her story... and I've read a little each night. She pulled no punches and she showed me the worst of what she's done. Which has made me appreciate all the more of what she's made of herself. The empathy she carries... the passion for her own survival.

Yes, I love her. That I have no doubt.

In fact, the only doubt that remains is hers, and I suppose the only two options I have are to back away or push forward.

Backing away would be contrary to what love is demanding I do, which is to guide her and hope she'll ultimately figure out that what we have is love.

I pull her face back again from my chest, stroking my thumbs on her cheeks. I lean forward and kiss her forehead.

"It's okay," I tell her. "Let's just go slowly so you can figure this out. No pressure."

She stares at me, with her eyes still sad and withdrawn. But she nods her assent. It's all she'll give me right now and I'll have to accept that.

When we get back to the room, I take her into my arms as soon as I shut the door. I seek her lips and to my relief, she kisses me back, wrapping her arms around me tight. My plan is to undress her slowly, and love her with all the tenderness that I have inside of me.

Our kiss deepens, her mouth moving hungrily over mine. Rowan reaches her hand down and cups me through my pants, and I grow hard from her touch. Her hands start to work at my belt, almost frantically.

"I want you, Flynn," she says in between kisses, and the desperate sound to her plea flays me open.

I know what she's doing. She's pouring every bit of displaced love into sex right now, because that's the only way at this point she's confident to show me how she feels. She's doing this to show me that she does feel something for me.

It's not what I'm seeking but I'll have to accept it for now.

I try to slow her down by removing her hands but she bats them away, unzipping my pants and taking me in her hand. Her touch is a little rough but it doesn't stop me from arching into her with a groan.

With one hand, Rowan pushes my pants and underwear down, and the other takes up a hard stroke to my dick. She only gives me about three pumps before she drops to her knees and takes me in her mouth, pushing me all the way to the back of her throat.

Fuck, but if she doesn't slow that shit down, I'm going to come in about five seconds.

I grab ahold of her head, trying to slow her efforts, and she growls at the restraint. It's not that I don't like some hard and fast fucking but God, I want this to last a little longer.

"Rowan... baby... slow down."

She pulls back and I slip out of her mouth with a soft pop.

"How about I let you reciprocate then?" Her eyes are heated and challenging to me.

Reaching down, I put my hands under her armpits and lift her from the ground. Turning to the bed, I toss her there and she bounces lightly with a laugh.

"That's right," she says, her voice husky and rough. "Show me what you can do with that mouth."

I fall onto her, pushing her dress up around her hips. I don't even bother taking her panties off but just push them roughly to the side. Bringing my mouth down on her, I make love to her with my lips and tongue, causing her to cry out a strangled sound from her throat. It fuels my desire even further and I push my tongue into her roughly, causing her to cry out again.

"That's it," I praise her as I briefly remove my lips. "Let me hear you."

Her breath comes out in staccato bursts and her hands are gripping my hair tight. Plunging two fingers into her, I immediately feel her tighten around me and her thighs slam into the sides of my face as she starts to come undone.

"Flynn," she cries out as the orgasm tears through her.

I ride out the last of her spasms with my face between her legs. When she's finished, I stand up, swiping her underwear down her legs. She stares up at me, her eyes a little glazed, and I feel triumph rocket through me.