Off Chance (Off 5)

"I'm going to make love to you slowly now, sweet girl. Take that dress off for me."

I watch a fluttering breath come out of her lips and she sits up to disrobe. I shimmy out of my pants and whip my shirt over my head. Grabbing a condom, I tear the packet open and roll it over me. I'm so hard, I feel like I might burst the second I get inside of her, and maybe I'll just let myself go and do just that.

Crawling onto the bed, I settle on top of her to gather her close. I wrap my arms all the way under her, mashing her chest into mine. Resting my face in the crook of her neck, I swivel my hips so that the head of my cock finds its way home. I give a single push and slip right in, sucking air through my teeth over the rapturous feeling.

I move within her... slowly... lightly kissing her neck. I pull my face up once to look at her, and her eyes are closed, her lip stuck between her teeth, which is a look I adore. With a sudden move, I roll over and watch her eyes fly open when she finds herself on top of me.

"I know you can't say the words, Rowan... so show me how you feel."

She stares at me for a moment, her hands resting lightly on my stomach. I watch her... almost daring her to deny what we have between us.

She never says a word but she starts moving her hips, pushing with her thighs to move up and down on my length. My hands come up to grab her hips and help her along, but she pushes them away. Because she wants to do this... for me. She wants to give me something, since she can't give me exactly what I want.

I accept it, because it's all I can do. I watch her the entire time, even as her eyes close as she gives into her urges. She builds even faster than I do and she cries out as she comes again. The look on her face is pained from the pleasure, and that's all it takes for me to follow her.

Because let's face it.

I'd follow her anywhere.

The trip back to JFK seemed to take forever. I was lost in my own thoughts, staring blankly out the window. Flynn seemed to understand that maybe I needed a little time to come to an acceptance of his feelings, and maybe my own.

And while I do accept how Flynn feels about me... I mean, I truly understand that he loves me; I just have no fucking clue how to feel about him.

This is happening so fast now, and I have all these feelings of insecurity and a lack of self-worth assaulting me.

The memories of my parents plague me like they never have. I realize now that I have pushed them and the hurt deep inside of me, and now it's bubbling up like a fountain of lava. It's hot and it burns, threatening to engulf me in painful flames.

I know, in my heart, that I care for Flynn. Hell, as a friend, I love him. But that's because I know our friendship worked. It wasn't perfect, but it was as damn close as it could be. It was safe, and there were boundaries, and at the end of the day, I knew he'd be there for me.

But now... I don't know. There's something that is causing me to doubt everything. I don't need a shrink to tell me that my parents' lack of love and attention warped my perception of what a healthy, loving relationship could be. Add into that Flynn and I have upped the level of intimacy between us, and it exposes the nerve center of my heart. It has opened it wide and I'm vulnerable to rejection, loss, and pain.

In just a few short days, while our relationship progressed forward, it also became unstable in my mind, and now I have so much more to lose.

I'm terrified of being hurt again. I was able to claw myself out of my misery after I left Texas. I've done it once and it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life.

I don't know if I have it in me to do it again.

I don't know that I would survive Flynn hurting me.

We open the door to the apartment and Capone comes barreling out of my bedroom and down the hall to greet us. He almost knocks me flat on my ass when he launches himself at my chest. Fil had stayed over at our apartment while we were gone and cared for him, and while I was scared silly to leave my baby, he seems to be just fine.

After his mandatory licks to my face, he turns from me and jumps on Flynn, who holds him in a big bear hug, and buries his face in his fur. My heart skips a beat as I realize just how much we've become ingrained in each other's lives.

Flynn raises his head and looks at me over Capone's shoulder, and the look is so filled with love, it makes me feel like there is a cinder block on my chest.

Standing up, I walk into the kitchen, immediately seeing a note from Fil.

Rowan/Flynn,

Capone was a good boy while you were gone. However, I didn't realize how big his crap would be. You owe me for having to pick that shit up.

Later.

F

Typical Fil. Straight and to the point. I need to make sure I hook up with her soon to give her the gift that we bought for her in St. Thomas before we left.

I feel Flynn's arms wrap around me as he looks over my shoulder at the note. "What's that?"

I hold it up for him to read and then step quickly out of his arms. He looks confused and it tears my heart up that I'm doing that to him. Turning away, I open the refrigerator and pull out a bottle of water.

"I think I'll get started on laundry since you have to go back to work tomorrow," I say in an effort to fill the silence.

Stepping up to me again, Flynn cups me around the back of the head. His eyes are warm and his voice filled with sensuality. "Or, we could fool around a little. A welcome home present to ourselves."

God, I hate myself but my body involuntarily pulls out of his touch and I turn my back on him. "I really should get this started. There's a lot of do."

Reaching out, Flynn grabs my wrist, his brow furrowed. "What's going on, Rowan?"

"Nothing," I say like he's crazy for thinking so. "I just want to get this stuff done so we can relax."

"Then why won't you look at me? Why won't you let me touch you?" His words are cautious... non-threatening. Like he's dealing with a wild, caged animal.

"I don't know what you mean," I insist.

Flynn isn't going to let it go. He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me, leaning down for a kiss. He's daring me to pull away and yet, that's exactly what I do.

He cocks his eyebrow at me, as if to say, See... I knew something was wrong.

"What?" I ask, trying to sound oblivious to his meaning. "There's nothing wrong. Honestly... I just want to get--"

"Rowan!" he shouts and my eyes snap to his with attention. I've never heard Flynn yell before.

"What... is... wrong?" he grits out.

My eyes dart left and right, seeking a way to escape... this room, this man, this fucked-up mess. When I look back to him, his eyes are patient, even though he just shouted to get my attention three seconds ago.

Taking a deep breath, I sigh out my fear. "I don't know. I'm scared."

He starts to walk toward me, his face awash with sympathy. He stretches his arms out. "You don't have to be afraid. No pressure, right?"

I step back, not letting him try to comfort me. It will make this even more confusing because even though I'm scared shitless over what is happening, I find myself yearning to accept what he's offering. Shaking my head in denial, I say, "I don't think I can do this."

Flynn stops his forward progress, his arms falling to his sides. "Do what?" he asks cautiously.

"A relationship with you. It's moving too fast, and I'm afraid."

Raking his hand through his hair in frustration, he says, "I don't understand. I told you I wouldn't pressure you. I love you, but I'm not asking for it in return."

"But that's just it," I practically whine. "You do expect it. I see it in your eyes. I see I'm tearing you up every time I don't reciprocate. It's too much... your expectations."

"So what do you want me to do, Rowan?" His voice is angry and tired all at the same time. "Do you want me to just pretend I don't love you? Do you want me to just fuck you and keep all the feeling out of it?"

No, of course I don't want that, but he's making the point that I've known to be true deep down inside. There's no wa

y for our sexual relationship to continue because it pulls me in too deep. That is what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of losing myself completely to love... and taking my eyes off the danger that lurks below it all. I'm afraid I'll get careless and then when I'm least expecting it, I'll get slapped down by it all.

I'm panicking. I get it... but I can't stop being overwhelmed by this feeling.

"I think we need to go back to being friends."

Flynn doesn't even hesitate... doesn't even consider my request. "Not going to fucking happen."

"What? Just like that? It's 'not going to fucking happen'? You can't make me go forward," I say angrily, completely blown away by his dismissive attitude.

"And you can't make me go back," he says quietly and with authority.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control because none of this is going right. "It's not fair," I shout.

"What's not fair?"

"You knew," I point at him with accusation. "You knew I didn't want to ruin the friendship. You knew and you still pushed me into this."

Flynn's face mottles red and he takes a step toward me, getting right in my face. "That's bullshit, Rowan, and you know it. I wasn't the one that forced your tongue down my throat or your hand on my cock. You went willingly into my bed and fucking enjoyed every orgasm I gave you. You can lie about your feelings all you want but don't say I forced you to do anything."

His chest is heaving in anger as he steps back, staring me down. I lower my eyes to the floor, unsure of what to do. "So, where do we go from here?"

I pray he has the answer because I'm all out of solutions.