Off Season (Off 5.5)
So what do you say?
Zane
I don't even read back over my words before clicking the send button, knowing that they came from a place of anger and honesty, and that I wasn't holding any of my feelings back.
Pushing back from my desk that sits against the east wall of my living room, I head into the kitchen to grab an apple for a snack. Glancing at the clock on the wall, I note that I have a few hours yet before I have to head to the gym for my workout. Training camp starts in two days, and I'm starting to get the itch to get back on the ice. My summer vacation has been amazing, the highlight of course being Cady's visit, followed closely by my visit back home to see my family.
But in a few days... shit was going to get real. In a few weeks, the regular season would be starting, and then my mind would be immersed in hockey.
And probably Cady, I admit grudgingly to myself, but then let it go. That all depended on how she responds to my last email.
Heading back into my living room, I take a big bite of my apple, but even the crunch of tart goodness doesn't mask the sound of my laptop chiming to indicate an email has arrived.
I email quite a bit... routinely with my mom, several friends from high school, other teammates, Coyote management. But yet, the possibility it could be from Cady has me practically running to check my inbox.
And yeah... she responded, and by the subject line change she made, I'm immediately sure I won't be happy by her response.
I set my apple down on the table, clicking on her email.
To: Zane Kavanaugh
From: Cady Dunne
Subject: How's This For Clear?
Date: September 16, 2014
I'm sorry if I was being vague. It's sort of hard to write your feelings sometimes. Sure... I could make a visit work with my schedule, and sure, I could pull some money from savings to make the trip, but when it boils right down to it... I'm not the booty-call type. Yes, I engaged in a one-night stand with you, but I think you've come to know me well enough the last few weeks to know that's generally not my style. Coming for a quick visit just to spend time with you in the sack certainly appeals to my libido, but my heart is having a hard time reconciling that. It's just not me.
I'm sorry and I really, really want to keep talking. Stay friends. You know, continue on the way we have.
Cady
I don't hesitate in my response, even as my chest aches with an odd feeling of emptiness that I've never felt before.
To: Cady Dunne
From: Zane Kavanaugh
Subject: I Get It!
Date: September 16, 2014
I can say the same to you... you've come to know me well enough the last few weeks with our constant and lengthy emails to know that I would never consider you a booty-call. While I'm sure if you came to visit that the sex would be just as stellar as before, I can also assure you that wouldn't be the only thing we would do. I thought we could go out on a date with Linc and Ever, and then you could watch one of my games.
So I'm telling you... it wouldn't be a booty-call, although I certainly would be fucking you soundly. But I really did want to see you... spend some time with you.
Zane
She's waiting for my response on the other end, so I quickly hit send and stare at my screen--just waiting to see what she says. It takes a little less than three minutes to get her response.
To: Zane Kavanaugh
From: Cady Dunne
Subject: Re: I Get It!
Date: September 16, 2014
God, I'm so sorry, Zane. I really didn't mean that you thought of me that way. I just will feel that way about myself. I mean, really... this can't go anywhere, right? I could fly out for a few days, and then what? We go back to emailing--maybe a few phone calls. And then I come visit next summer? When you finish your season? Because we know you don't have time to come visit me.
I think there's a reason that long-distance relationships don't generally work out, and we need to be honest about this. It has disaster written all over it because I don't believe just spending time together during your off-season is ultimately going to be enough.
Here's the thing... I care about you. It's true. You and I have shared so much the last few weeks in our emails, and we have a definite intimate connection. But truly, my heart wouldn't be able to stand some type of half-assed, long-distance affair with you. I'm not built that way.
I totally understand if you want to break things off completely. I mean... do guys even really do just "friendships"? (That was supposed to be sort of funny and sarcastic by the way).
Cady
Fuck, fuck, fuck! My temper flares but, deep down, I know she's right. I know that while I invited her for one visit, that wouldn't be enough for either of us. As a woman, her heart would be involved. As a man, I'd never physically be satisfied with only seeing her a few times a year. The distance between us is a killer.
To: Cady Dunne
From: Zane Kavanaugh
Subject: Guys Can Do Friendships
Date: September 16, 2014
This fucking sucks, but I get it. I think you're right. I hate you're right, but I admit that you are. You deserve more than that, and shit Cady... I deserve more than that too.
We haven't really talked about it before, but I'm not a relationship type of dude. I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised though to learn that I've been enjoying "the single life" for the last few years. I never thought I'd really find someone that would want to make me settle down.
The thing that really sucks is that I'm betting you would be that person. That is, if we didn't live so far away from each other.
To answer your question... yes, guys can do friendships. Well, at least this guy can. I want to stay in touch, continue what we have, even though it can't be exactly what I want. Let's go for it, I say.
I'm going to log off for now. I have to get to the gym for a workout soon. Talk later.
Zane
P.S. You're a hell of a woman, Cady Dunne.
I purposely don't mention the upcoming date she has. While every bone in my body is still infused with jealousy, I don't have the right to let her know about it. Not when we just agreed we'd only be friends.
Shutting my laptop, I lean back in my chair and pick up my apple. Taking another bite, I chew it thoughtfully, wondering what would happen if Cady lived here... in Phoenix. Would I truly give up the single life? All the beautiful and horny women that are in a never-ending supply around here?
Yeah, I most definitely would. Cady absolutely outshines any woman I've been with. She's sexy, adventurous, bright, and witty. Her family values and work ethic are in line with mine. We never seem to be at a loss for things to talk about. Even what others would see as the most boring details of her life are so fucking interesting to me for some reason.
But that's all fancy wishes on my part to even fantasize about it. Cady lives in Ireland. I live in the States. I can't give up my hockey career, and she can't give up her education... especially when we barely know each other.
With a sigh, I get up from my desk, tossing the half-eaten apple in the garbage can. I tell myself that I'm letting this go, and I'm going to enjoy what I can about Cady.
Chapter 7
Cady
October
"It's getting late and I have an early appointment tomorrow, so I'm going to have to call it a night," Colin says as he stands up from the couch where he's sitting beside me.
I rise up alongside of him, as do Renner and Cillian as they sit in the chairs on the other side of my coffee table. Colin reaches out to shake their hands.
"It was nice meeting you both," he says politely... in that clipped, English accent of his. "We should do this again some time."
Renner and Cillian both smile at him, but I can see the look deep down in their eyes. Oh, hell no, we aren't doing this again, they both seem to be saying.
With a sigh, I walk Colin to my front door and accept the dry kiss he presses to my cheek. I inhale, trying to appreci
ate the spicy scent of his cologne or the warmth in his brown eyes. I envision running my fingers through his curly, blond hair as a sign of affection, but my arm won't move because in all actuality, it just doesn't want to run my fingers through his hair. Because that's way too intimate and even though I've seen Colin a few times since our first date, I'm not finding myself warming up to him.
I close the door softly behind him and turn to see Cillian emerging from my kitchen with three bottles of Smithwick's in his hands. He hands one to Renner and me, plopping back down in his chair.
Flopping onto my couch, I take a long pull on my beer and lift my eyes to stare at them. Renner's green eyes smirk at me, popping against the brilliant red, Irish hair she inherited from her mom and my aunt. Cillian just looks at me with interest, chewing on his bottom lip.