‘Are you happy?’ Ophelia’s smile was so sweet, so caring, so concerned.
This was the moment to lie. The moment she had to lie. But she still couldn’t get her voice to work. She made herself nod even as a tear spilled over.
‘Ettie.’ Ophelia wrapped her arms around her. ‘I’m worried.’
‘Hormones,’ she croaked and then laughed to cover it all up. ‘I’m fine.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘So sure. Come on, let’s have a hot chocolate.’
Half an hour later she kissed her sister goodbye and saw her into a cab to get her back to her debating hall. She stood on the pavement and watched until the cab went round the corner, relieved that it had only been a fleeting visit. It should have been such a treat; instead it had been harder than she’d ever have imagined.
Being that uncomfortable about seeing her beloved sister shattered her. Wrong. It was just wrong. It should’ve been nothing but wonderful, but it had been a nightmare. She couldn’t maintain lying to her sister—not for more than the few minutes she’d seen her for just now. She certainly couldn’t lie to her sister for the rest of her life. She couldn’t lie to her child. She couldn’t lie to herself.
Her heart ached.
You’ve worked so hard for so long.
Yes, and she deserved that promotion. She’d known she did a good job.
You deserve happiness... Are you happy?
She should be happy, right? But she wasn’t.
She felt trapped and increasingly afraid that her heart was Leon’s prisoner. There had to be another way. She couldn’t live this lie. She couldn’t lie to those she loved—to none of those she loved. Not even him.
‘Ettie, are you okay?’
She turned to find Joel on the pavement next to her, concern on his face. ‘I’m fine, thanks, Joel. I’m just going to take a walk.’
She needed time to think about how things were going to work. She didn’t know what the answer was yet, but something had to change. She walked through the streets and saw the station in the distance. On automatic pilot, she caught the train, letting the familiar route soothe her. She’d not intended to go there, but when she arrived she knew it was what she needed.
Her apartment was colder than usual. Almost empty. He’d had professionals in, because all her stuff was in a few boxes. The furniture was being left for the next person who moved in. She glanced at the windowsill. Not even her herbs needed her any more. They’d already died from the few days of neglect. But it was her home. And in it she’d been honest. And happy.
She needed to be honest again and take back some control. She’d let Leon dictate everything until now. She’d been tired and overwhelmed and confused. But she wasn’t now. And she knew what had to happen.
She couldn’t sign that contract. She couldn’t stay with him. She couldn’t live that lie for the rest of her life.
It would slowly tear her apart and she couldn’t do that to herself. Because her intuitive, immediate answer to Ophelia’s question had hit her hard.
Yes, she loved him.
She’d fallen in love with Leon. In love with a man who didn’t love her. Again.
But this wasn’t like it was with her ex. She’d never loved him. She’d not known what love was until Leon. Not love, nor lust, nor laughter and true companionship...for just a moment she’d had a glimpse of what might’ve been possible if he loved her too.
Now she looked at the emerald on her finger. It was so beautiful, but without heart. It should have heart with it—it was too stunning to be empty. She took it off and put it on the table, turning away to curl up on the old lumpy sofa. She needed to think through how she was going to be able to live with Leon in her life, but without ever having him in the way she ached for. And she was suddenly so tired, so heartsore, she just had to close her eyes and hide.
The knock on her door an hour later startled her. She checked the peephole and got even more of a shock.
‘What are you doing here?’ She stepped back after letting Leon in, nervously tugging her shirt when she saw his grim expression.
‘Joel called. He was concerned about you.’
Why? ‘How did you know where to find me?’
‘Seeing as you left your phone at Cavendish, I made a lucky guess,’ he said in a chilled voice. ‘Joel said Ophelia visited you. Is she okay?’
‘She’s great. Really. So happy.’
‘I’m glad.’
Ettie pressed her lips together. He didn’t sound glad.
‘I’m sorry if I worried you,’ she said.
He didn’t answer. He’d seen the ring on the table and he didn’t lift his gaze from it.
‘I’m not signing that contract, Leon,’ she blurted, unable to hide her hurt from him any more. ‘I don’t expect you to pay for Ophelia’s fees. I never should have accepted that offer. I can make it work some other way.’
‘What are you saying, Ettie?’ His expression had frozen.
She clenched her fists and tried to hold herself together. ‘I allowed you to make all the decisions. It all happened so fast, I wasn’t feeling well...we got carried away on a tsunami of panic and some of this wasn’t necessary.’
‘Wasn’t necessary?’ he repeated in cool disbelief, and turned to look at her hard. ‘Ettie, you’re pregnant.’
‘Yes, and we need to make rational decisions.’
‘You call walking out of work and coming back to this dump a rational decision?’
She drew in a sharp breath. He was angry with her, unused to being challenged. ‘This is my home. I was happy here.’
‘You’re not happy at my home?’
‘You swept in and took command—’
‘You were ill,’ he pointed out icily.
‘You tipped my life upside down,’ she shouted back. ‘It’s just been so quick and I haven’t had the chance to think everything t
hrough.’ She needed to slow down because her alarm bells were ringing.
‘What do you want?’ he exploded. ‘I was trying—’
‘Yes,’ she interrupted harshly. ‘Trying too hard.’
He sent her a wrathful look. ‘I what?’ he muttered, outraged.
‘You don’t want to marry me any more than I want to marry you.’
That silenced him.
‘You don’t, Leon.’ She rubbed her arms, suddenly cold. ‘It’s a calculated decision you think you have to live with. But you don’t. And I can’t live a lie for the rest of my life. I can’t pretend to be happy when I’m not.’
‘You’ve given us less than a week.’ He was livid.
‘Isn’t it better to realise the mistake sooner rather than later?’
‘Or maybe you should give us more time. I might be trying too hard, but you’re bailing out at the first chance you’ve got. You’ve been betrayed in the past and you’re letting your fears get in the way of a perfectly fine future. You think I’ll walk out on you,’ he added coldly. ‘So you’ve left before I can.’
His accusation stole her breath.
‘I can’t do this,’ she whispered. ‘I can’t marry you.’
She was his choice by default. They were forced together purely by the fate of a failed condom. Sure, he was offering security for her baby. Their child would want for nothing—it would have the adoration of both parents.
‘You’re a good guy, Leon, okay?’ she said unevenly. ‘You win the honourable prize. You’re a man who steps up and does the right thing. But you don’t have to take it this far, okay?’
‘This far?’
‘I can’t marry you. I can’t live with you. I certainly can’t sign that horrible contract and be paid to like you. We can just co-parent. We can make some better arrangement.’
He glared at her. ‘You’re saying you don’t want to sleep with me any more?’
‘We’re only back together because of the baby. You don’t really want me.’
‘How can you say I don’t want you when I can’t keep my hands off you?’ he roared and shoved those hands into his trouser pockets.