She knew he’d turned his head to look at her when he’d said that. But she refused to meet his eyes, not wanting to end up mesmerized and brainless. Though right now she was fully over-thinking—on what he might mean, on why he was here and why she was so freaking hot and cold and nervous.
Hell, truth was she didn’t even want to blink in case he disappeared. Which was totally pathetic. And she refused to be that pathetic. “Why are you here?”
“Someone as smart as you needs to ask? There’s only one reason.” He pulled into a park and turned to face her, looking expectant.
Savannah looked out the windshield—why had he parked outside the drugstore? “Because you’re short of antacid?”
He laughed, and something melted inside her.
“You can do better than that,” he challenged.
“Why do you want me to say it?” She snapped her head towards him and glared. “It’s supposed to be your… moment.”
Is that was this was—the ‘moment’, like where he was going to say sorry? Say nice things? Like really nice things?
She didn’t want to think that. Couldn’t. Because if it wasn’t, that was going to hurt just too much.
But her glare lost all impact. His blue eyes were so sharp, so true—her own focus was sealed inside. Her heart skittered so quick she could hardly breathe.
“You need to say it, because you’re the one who needs to believe it.” The good-humor in his expression died, his voice dropped, leaving only seriousness and intensity. “Yet you can’t. Why is that?”
“I’m…” Now she’d looked into his eyes, she couldn’t look away.
Damn him he was so unfairly handsome, so strong and right now one hundred percent there. With. Her.
And he was waiting, watching… she could almost feel him willing her.
She licked her lips. “I’m…”
She couldn’t do it.
“You’re scared,” he answered for her in a whisper. “You’re afraid I’ll let you down. Because I already have. I turned on you.”
He had. He’d been vicious. And now it flooded—hurt anger. She tore her gaze from his.
But in that second, he spoke. Fast.
“I was a jerk. Worse than a jerk. I was an arrogant butthead. I went all kinds of crazy. I was pathetic. I was…” he trailed off and released another big sigh.
Another part of Savannah’s heart melted. She quickly folded her arms across her chest, squeezing tightly. She wasn’t going to go totally soft just yet. “Don’t stop there. Go ahead and beat yourself up some more.”
“Smartass.” His smile flashed. Rueful. Irresistible. “I’m trying to apologize.”
“Then just apologize.” She shrugged—as if she didn’t care?
Who was she kidding.
“Will you accept my apology?” He unfastened his seatbelt and leaned towards her, closing the gap between them. “Are you open to listening to me?”
She made a show of checking her wrist. “My next meeting’s not for another five minutes. Go ahead but make it snappy.”
He half-laughed and leaned closer still. “High-speed Savannah—”
“Uh uh.” She held up her palm to stop him reaching out to touch her. “I’m listening. That’s all.”
He froze in position. “Okay, Sugar.” He paused, then spoke again, words tripping out fast. “You know my family is a fuck-up. If we didn’t win, we got nothing but cold criticism. The only way to get attention was to come top in something Dad valued. Everything was performance based. And I bought into it. I was only a kid. After the accident, it was only by showing an interest in Summerhill itself that I finally got his approval. Learning the business. And Dad was tough. If I wasn’t a success, then I’d get nothing. Have nothing. Be nothing. But I didn’t want to be like him—screwing around and screwing up. I didn’t want to risk anything. I saw what happened to Logan with all his lovers. So I didn’t fool around. I worked. I thought I had it sorted. I thought I was Summerhill perfect. But you were right. I was arrogant as fuck, iced up inside, acting like a machine.”
He paused, drew breath. Sighed. “But you know that mountain meant everything to me. It was dangerous and beautiful and the challenge of my life. Until you.” Speaking slower now, he reached out and touched a few strands of her hair, running his fingers the length of it. “You arrived. Dangerous and beautiful and the absolute challenge of my life. And you had no idea who I was. I looked a mess, was tired and grumpy. But you wanted me anyway. It wasn’t ’til you found out who I was that you decided you weren’t going to be interested. But despite me being your ‘enemy’, you still wanted me. Me. And the more time I had with you. The more I wanted.”
Savannah sat still as still, to scared to breathe in case she missed something.
“I doubted you because I got scared and I reverted to that pathetic boy again—I guess I was using Summerhill to hide.” He smiled a lop-sided half-smile at her. “We each have our armor, right?”
She nodded, finally moving, but still unable to speak. Her heart ached. She felt so vulnerable which was crazy given he was the one doing all the talking.
“It wasn’t for corporate goodwill that I liked to help out,” he said. “I did it because it made me feel good on the inside. And then you made me feel so good, I couldn’t believe in it. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Sex, sure, sometimes. But not sex like that. Not laughter and fun and challenge. You’re so vibrant. So smart. And I had no idea how lonely I was until I met you.” Connor reached out, gripping her shoulder to twist her to face him, forcing her to meet his eyes. “But I fucked up. I admit it. The first hint of doubt… that there was a threat… it was a complete brain fail. I said the most stupid things. I hurt you. And I’m sorry for that. So sorry.” He looked right at her, in that old ultra-intense way… like she was the freaking Rubik’s cube conundrum again. “But here’s the thing, Savannah. You were already running away. You were running well before I lost it. Why was that? What were you so afraid of?”
She couldn’t speak.
“Why am I here, Savannah?”
She touched her tongue to the corner of her very, very dry lips. Her heart pounded.
“For you,” he said simply. “I’ll always be here for you, if you’ll let me.” His words tumbled. “Do you understand? I’m here because I can’t stand that I hurt you. Can’t stand it without you. I want you to come back. I love you.”
That pierced. Hard. “You can’t love me.” She finally spoke—total croaky voice.
“Why not?”
“It’s too quick.”
Something flashed in his eyes. “Does that mean you don’t love me?”
He had her there. And he knew it.
“Savannah, I hurt you so badly that you ran away. You, the brave, never let the bullies get to you, courageous woman, ran away because of some dumb things I said. You know what that tells me?”
She shook her head.
“Apart from the fact that I’m a first class idiot…” he winced. “That tells me that you care.”
“You’re wrong.”
His eyes widened.
“I’m not courageous.” Her eyes filled with burning tears. “That’s been my biggest problem.”
“But—”
She pressed the backs of her fingers over his mouth. “I’m afraid of myself,” she whispered. “Of being so desperate I’d do anything to try to get my guy... Of giving up everything I have or want to keep him no matter what…” Her parent’s choices and actions had scared her. She didn’t want to be as extreme as they’d seemed.
“Sugar.” He gripped her hand, briefly kissed it, before lowering it and pressing her palm ag
ainst his chest. “You’re not going to lose yourself in loving me. You can be yourself with me more than you can with anyone else in the world. Because it’s you that I love.”
For a long moment she stared hard into his eyes—like he was the cube conundrum. And as he smiled at her, the pieces slowly clicked over, the colors lined up and locked into place.
She smiled too. “You love it when I talk tough?” That was her armor, and they both knew it.
“Adore it.” His mouth quirked, his grin going wicked.
“I think my views got a little warped…” she said, determined to match his honesty. His courage. “I talked to Dad yesterday. He said he was using his ‘love’ for Mom as an excuse to hide his gambling. That he hurt her for years. And he hurt me too. That he lied to both of us.” It still made her shrivel a little on the inside, but Connor sensed it, squeezing her hand in support. She tried to relax. “He doesn’t blame Rex. Or you. He’s owning his addictions.”
Connor nodded, but frowned. “I’ve told Rex to stop with the speaker circuit.”
“You have?”
“I told him he was dragging the great Summerhill brand down.”
“How’d he take that?”
“As well as expected. But I don’t give a damn.”
“Did you tell him about Jack?”
He nodded. “I don’t know what’s going to happen there but I don’t think Jack’s gonna back down. So he’ll meet Rex sometime. Jack says he doesn’t want anything but to get to know us so I’ve invited him to stay at Summerhill as long as he wants to. And to meet Logan, Xander and the guys. I also told him he’d be getting whatever else he was entitled to. Including shares or money or something.”
“That’s… good.”
“I’m not paying him off. It’s only what’s fair.” He looked to her, questioning. “Give and take? Compromise?”
“Yeah.” She got that.
He sighed. “I apologized to Cynthia as well. You were right about my… paying people off. It wasn’t how I meant it though.”
“I know. And I didn’t mean to come across so, judgmental.” Or seem so unforgiving.