‘I wanted so badly to believe he liked me that I didn’t believe it when I heard the truth. And by the time I did face it, I no longer cared about the rights or wrongs. He promised me he’d leave her. And I wanted to keep him.’ In the end she’d left town. Crushed and humiliated and horrified. ‘I never wanted to be the other woman. I wanted to be the only woman.’
‘He seduced you.’ Seth finally spoke.
‘I didn’t make it that difficult for him.’ She wasn’t entirely at fault, but she’d step up to take her share of the blame. ‘And I didn’t walk away when I should have.’ She chewed on her lip. ‘I wanted him to leave her for me. I wanted him to pick me over her. I wanted to come first. So I tried to break them up. I did everything I could to make him love me. I let him do anything he wanted to in the hope he’d love me for it. For months.’ Her eyes watered. ‘That’s how pathetically needy I was.’
‘It’s not needy to want to be loved.’
‘It’s wrong to want to break up a marriage.’
‘Is that what you really wanted?’ he asked bluntly. ‘Was it really even him you wanted? Or did you just want to win?’
And there it was. She, who’d never won a damn thing in her life—who’d been outsmarted and outsported by her siblings her entire life. Who’d never done whatever it was she needed to do to win her parents’ attention. Who’d been the support act for ever….
‘I wanted to win,’ she said fiercely. ‘I just wanted to win for once.’ Her tears spilled. ‘I was a bitch.’
‘No,’ he argued gently. ‘You were young and hurt and nobody likes to feel rejected.’
She couldn’t believe he was being this understanding. He wasn’t angry at all, wasn’t blaming her, was just listening. Seeming to see why. She stared hard, trying to contain the emotions exploding within her. The hope.
‘How did it end?’
She winced and wiped her face. ‘His wife got pregnant,’ she whispered. ‘I was so naïve I’d believed him when he said he wasn’t sleeping with her. So it was then when I finally realised that he was never going to leave her like he’d said he would. He’d been telling me nothing but lies. He didn’t want anything from me other than sex on tap. And I’d let myself be used. Begged for it, really. I know I did wrong. But I wanted to be loved so much and instead I lost everything—my friends, my job, my dignity.’ She shook her head. That was when she’d finally fought back. ‘I moved towns, worked really hard. Got this job and worked even harder and steered clear of men. I was working on getting myself together. On growing up. I was waiting for Mr Right. I was going to be strong. But then you came along.’
‘I can’t be Mr Right?’
She closed her eyes. ‘You said yourself you weren’t Mr Marry-Me, you were Mr Temptation. You were the guy I took one look at and simply had to have. The only guy it’s been like that with. Attraction just slammed me in the gut. I thought I could get away with it—just once. But you wouldn’t let it be once. And I didn’t want to deny myself, either. I couldn’t. Only, then I started to want so much more and I knew you never would.’
‘Why wouldn’t I?’
Because she wasn’t the wonder woman who could break through his emotional-isolation policy. ‘All we do is hot sex,’ she said sadly. ‘So what? That flame will snuff soon. You’ll get bored, we’ll go from shagging three times a night to three times a week and soon after you’ll realise there’s nothing else you see in me. In the end you’ll go and find someone else who does give you something more. I can’t sit by and wait for that to happen.’
He was very quiet. She glanced at him and flinched. Stunned to see his face had gone white, but that his eyes burned navy blue. Why was he looking so furious now when he hadn’t before?
‘You once asked why I’d been angry.’ He barely moved his mouth as he spoke evenly. Too evenly. ‘For me the cause is always the same. Hurt. A hurt that I don’t want to feel, so I get angry to cover it. Right now I’m feeling angrier than I ever have.’ He jerked to his feet, whirling to tower above her, his voice rising at the same time. ‘How the hell can you say this is just sex?’ His bruised fists clenched. ‘Don’t we laugh? Don’t we talk? Don’t we argue about stupid referee decisions? Don’t we do a million things together that are simple and satisfying and not just sexual? Don’t you dare deny that we have all that and more.’
‘Of course—’ She choked. Damn it, he knew she got everything, wanted everything from him.
He stopped. Suddenly dropped to his knees in front of her. ‘Is it so hard to believe that I’d fall for you?’ He looked up into her face, his anger suddenly extinguished. ‘You have to have some faith in yourself. And in me.’
But she couldn’t possibly believe he meant this. ‘How can you forgive my past?’
He paused, looked down at the back of his hands. ‘To be honest, I don’t think I need to forgive you. I think you need to forgive yourself.’
Lena went hot and cold and stopped breathing.
‘You’re not letting yourself be open to me because you think you’re not good enough? That you don’t deserve it? Of course you do. You’re amazing—you’re funny and enthusiastic and smart and strong and beautiful. Why the hell wouldn’t I want to be with you?’
‘Seth.’ She bit back the sob, the need to fling herself into his arms.
‘You wanted to be put first but you won’t believe it when it happens?’
‘It’s never happened before.’ She only half joked.
‘It was only a matter of time before it did. You don’t even see it when it’s staring you in the face. Half that rugby team would put you first in their lives if you’d given them the chance. But I’m glad you didn’t. I’m glad it’s me having to fight my way into that heart of yours.’
‘You don’t have to fight your way in,’ she admitted helplessly. ‘I told you it was one look. One single, half-second look.’
‘So why can’t you believe that it’s the same for me?’
She still couldn’t move. ‘Will you be able to trust me?’ she mumbled, knowing this fragile thing could never blossom without trust.
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you’re an intelligent person and you’ve learnt your lesson. You chose not to stay in a position where you believed you were going to be hurt again. You chose to end it with me because you thought your heart was in danger. And you weren’t cheating. There was no one else but us. You’re a different woman from the girl you were then. You’re resilient and strong and determined to do the right thing. I’ve seen you with those guys. I know how professional you are with them. I know you wouldn’t dream of jeopardising your job with any of them. But with me? You risked a lot for me right from the start. You were courageous with me then. Be courageous now.’
The dam burst inside her, flooding her with hope and love. She’d told him her greatest shame—details she’d never shared with another—and it hadn’t repelled him. He’d offered understanding, not recriminations. And he believed in her, believed that she’d grown and learnt since then. That meant everything.
He cupped her tear-streaked cheeks, holding her so she couldn’t look away from the honesty in his face. ‘I don’t believe in love at first sight, Lena,’ he said firmly. ‘Lust—absolutely. But I didn’t know that girl properly from just one look. I do now. I know she’s more than a beautiful body and flashing eyes and a husky laugh. She’s warm and complicated and human. She’s made mistakes but she’s not afraid to admit to them. She makes me laugh, she makes me wince, she makes m
e want things I never thought I’d ever want. I love everything about her. About you.’
‘But you were angry with me the other night.’ She laid out her last, lingering doubt. ‘And you stayed away. Three days, Seth.’ The worst three days of her life. ‘And today you were so cold, you couldn’t talk to me.’
‘The other night you dumped all that on me and fled. You didn’t even give me a chance to try to understand. That hurt more than what you’d actually said. And as I said before, when I’m hurt I feel angry. Too angry to come near you before now. I hid out in Wellington. Came straight to the stadium from the airport today. You couldn’t have made it clearer how much you didn’t want me there. But you were as hurt as I was.’
‘Oh, Seth.’ With shaking hands she clutched his wrists. ‘Please tell me this is real.’
He bent and kissed her tenderly. ‘Does it feel real?’
‘I’m not sure.’
He kissed her again. ‘Now?’
She couldn’t answer.
‘I’m thinking you might need quite some convincing.’ He smiled. The old intense, focused, incredible smile.
She smiled, too—as belief, relief and love hummed between them. The kiss this time wasn’t gentle. It was passionate and perfect. It had been so long since she’d held him. And she’d never held him like this—not so freely, not so able to let all her feeling for him flow through her fingers. It was sublime. Not just the blaze of lust but the brilliance of unconditional, enduring love.