“What I meant was – ”
“You would leave just like that?”
“No, damn it!” he yelled, pounding his fist on the table. I felt a roomful of eyes turn to us. He was quiet as he stared down and seemingly tried to regulate his breathing. He lowered his voice so only I could hear. “Never mind what I said, but put yourself in my shoes. You’ve been nothing but nasty to me for months, and I’ve had it.” His voice raised an octave as he sliced his hand through the air. “I’ve had it up to here with this, and you need to get it under control.”
From under my lashes, I glanced around the room. Everybody had looked away – everybody but David. My eyes darted back to Bill. “Bill – ”
“Don’t. This is embarrassing. We can discuss it later.”
It was then that I realized his patience was approaching its limits. Bill, unperturbed as he was, rarely got riled. But when he did, it was a combustion – an explosion of all the things he tucked away.
In that way, we were similar. I’d learned to shut off my emotions early on, and Bill’s parents had covered his up by keeping him busy. They’d instilled in him that feelings were frivolous, and it was more worthwhile to focus on tangible things like work and money.
It occurred to me for the first time that maybe Bill and I had chosen each other for the same reason. For me, Bill was a practical choice who never tried for more than what I gave. In turn, he never had to dig too deeply. Because maybe he knew that if he did, if I did, we would both uncover things that would change everything. And for him, things were fine as they were. They had been for me too. But I wasn’t so sure anymore.
I had drawn my lips into a tight line and was slumped in my chair like a scolded child.
“Eat,” he said, motioning at my plate. I pushed it away. “Eat,” he coaxed gently as if he hadn’t just threatened to leave me and then taken it back. “I’m starting to wonder about your diet.”
I picked up a fork and took a bite of grilled chicken to appease him, my jaw tingling as I forced myself to swallow.
“Thank you,” he said.
I felt David watching me, and I wanted to scream at him to stop. I couldn’t focus with his gaze glued to me, reminding me relentlessly that he was there – just so there.
Tears sat heavy beh
ind my eyes, but I lifted my chin and smiled through the rest of the evening. I could not go moments without remembering what I had just done behind Bill’s back. I swallowed it until we were home in bed.
Once Bill was asleep, I climbed from between the sheets and onto the floor. My chest stuttered fiercely as I crawled to the bathroom. When I hit the cold tile, I slipped the door shut behind me and doubled over my knees. I unleashed a violent storm of scalding, shame-laden tears. My hands dragged through my hair, snagging on tangles. I gagged through my sobs, heaving against the hollowness.
I’d never done anything so appalling, so hurtful in my life. Bill trusted me, and I had pissed on that. I deserved every one of David’s harsh words. I wanted to wish it all away, turn back time and start over. But I couldn’t bring myself to wish that. As awful as everything had been lately, there had also been David.
~
Bill was already out of bed when I awoke, and a mouth-watering aroma floated into the room. I put on a robe and sleepily padded into the kitchen.
“Hey,” he said, excavating bread from the toaster. “Hungry?”
I nodded and sat down cautiously.
He casually buttered the toast before setting it in front of me. He passed me a mug of coffee.
“I know I’ve been a mess,” I rasped. “And I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too,” he said without looking at me. “Obviously I didn’t mean what I said. I was just angry.”
“You’re not thinking of leaving me?”
He looked up and laughed. “Babe, really? No. Of course not.”
“But you said . . .”
“I’ve been stressed out too, about the house, about work. Hell, I’ve been stressed about you, but that doesn’t excuse what I said.” He studied me, peering at my face.
My swollen eyes were red and puffy, I knew without even having seen myself. I started to explain, but he continued.
“Besides, you know how I feel about that. People who separate or divorce have all sorts of problems. Things that run much deeper than what we’re dealing with. That’s not, and will never be, us.”
I stared at him blankly. Could he not tell that I had been up all night crying, or did he not care? Anger crept into my heart for the way he ignored it.
I remembered my eye-opening thoughts from the night before. True, I had kept him at a distance since the day I’d met him, but wasn’t he partly to blame? He never tried to break through, never asked questions he didn’t want to hear the answers to.
I sighed and rubbed my eyes. “About the house and all that – ”
“It’s okay,” he cut me off, raising his hand.
“It is?” Overwhelming relief flooded me at the thought that he might agree to slow things down.
“Yes. I know you’re stressed too. And I think I know what this is really about.”
I inhaled as panic bubbled to the surface. “What?”
“You’re afraid. I know you’ve never had a good relationship with Leanore. But you aren’t your mother. You are going to be a great mom.”
“Bill,” I started, shaking my head sadly. “I really don’t think it’s about that.”
“But it is, sweetie. You’re afraid, and I don’t blame you. Your mom’s been tough on you. But you’re not her, you’ve got to let go of that.” He paused to take a sip of his coffee. “In any case, this is not something I will ever change my mind about. I want a child – children. So you’ll have to, I don’t know . . . figure this out. Because I know, deep down, you want this too. If I believed you didn’t, we’d be having a different conversation.”
My heart fell as he spoke. He was so convinced that this was right for us. He was asking me to trust him because he didn’t have any doubts. And then it hit me. I wondered if maybe, just maybe . . . he was right.
CHAPTER 20
WE’D GIVEN UP our respective Sunday plans to spend the day together, silently apologizing outdoors on an autumn day. We explored the neighborhood, drank beer in the afternoon and took a long late-afternoon walk to admire the way the leaves were changing.
I had promised to try harder, and though it took every ounce of my energy, I put my sorrows over David aside and made myself affable for Bill. We made plans to visit his sister and her four kids the following weekend so I could see how alive a house full of children was. And finally, at his firm request, I agreed to stop taking birth control.