Big Man For Christmas

“Oh my God, Casey, I’m so sorry.” I’m wrapping my arms around him in a hug before I can even realize I’m moving. His arms come around me tight, and he doesn’t let go. “I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay,” he whispers, voice broken. He is clearly still grieving. I liked Mr. and Mrs. Bowman. I wish I’d known they’d died. I would have tried to come to the funerals.

I should pull away from him now, but Casey doesn’t let go and neither do I. It goes on too long until I finally force myself to pull back awkwardly. Neither one of us know what to say. But do I imagine what I felt against my leg when he was holding me?

Was Casey turned on by just a hug? The thought makes me blush.

He clears his throat. “I should probably get back to work.”

“Yeah,” I say. “I should probably get going anyway. See you around?”

Casey nods. “Definitely.”

It’s harder than I want to admit to myself to turn and walk away, even though it shouldn’t be. No matter that Tyler completely fucked me and our relationship, I feel a little guilty for being so attracted to someone else so quickly after the breakup.

Then I laugh. Who am I kidding? Tyler was fucking someone else for our entire relationship. It’s probably okay that I feel attraction to someone after deciding to cut him out of my life.

Is Casey taking his shirt off again right now?

As I walk all the way back to our farm, I feel lighter. That isn’t what I was expecting from my walk, but it is welcome. Who would have thought a misunderstanding could affect both of us for so long?

That light mood of peace and contentment sticks with me for the rest of the day. It feels like armor against more screaming kids and a family dinner where more than one strange look is thrown my way. It buoys me while getting ready for bed and having to face sleeping in the awful twin bed again.

I barely feel the terrible mattress because my mind is still completely filled with Casey. Comparing what I saw today—that gorgeous, toned body—to the body that I felt in the woods. Moving with me, over me, his head thrown back in complete ecstasy, lit up by the fireworks above.

The image morphs into Casey now, moving over me without a shirt, watching me come apart with that gaze that consumes me. I’ll never forget that look. Ever. Would it be the same if he were here with me?

I let my hand slip between my legs, finding myself already hot and wet, aroused by thoughts of him. The image is vivid in my mind, complete with the sweat on his body from fucking, working me in long, smooth strokes just like he did the first time we were together.

The memory is coming back clearer now, and I sink into my blended fantasy, making it better than it even was as I touch myself. I’ve mostly avoided thinking about Casey over the years, and until today, I had successfully pushed him out of my mind. But now he won’t leave, and all I can see was him.

It is so good to just feel anything, and I work myself higher, reaching for the release I haven’t had in forever. But it isn’t enough. Even imagining what it would be like with Casey’s mouth between my thighs isn’t enough to quite get me there, and after a while I stop, breathless with effort and frustration.

My eyes wander toward the window. This one faces the Bowman farm. His house isn’t quite visible, obscured by trees between here and there, but Casey is there. Alone. Possibly shirtless.

Fuck.

The past few years with Tyler, sex has dropped off. I had to work hard to get him excited, and I assumed that was due to work stress and the natural evolution of a long-term relationship. He initiated sex but he’d never taken initiative. He never went out of his way to make me feel sexy or loved.

Apparently, Casey thinks I’m sexy. I’m surer than ever that he was hard when we hugged. Just a simple hug. And though it was me who dragged us into the woods, Casey followed me willingly and took it further. He’d taken his time. He’d made sure it was amazing for me too.

That night was the last time I’d really done anything that…brazen. Or rather, the last time I’d done it successfully. When the sex with Tyler started to slow down, I bought some sexy lingerie and tried to lure him into the bedroom with it one night. He looked me up and down and said he wasn’t ready for bed, but that he’d be in shortly.

He apologized later, and we had good sex, but I never did that again. Tyler only wanted sex on his terms. Every time I initiated sex, he seemed grumpy and put out.