Big Man For Christmas

How had I never seen all these signs? Was I so starved for affection that I’d just been blinded to the fact that he wasn’t as invested in our relationship as I was?

Does Casey still make that noise when he comes?

As quietly as I can, I get out of bed and dress. No coveralls this time. Warm clothes—but actual clothes. I’m not about to do this in shapeless coveralls. My boots too. Hat and scarf.

The window slides open soundlessly, and I silently thank my mother for this. She makes sure that Dad keeps the house in top condition, and she hates squeaky windows. Though if she imagined what silent windows would be used for, she never said anything.

I’ve never sneaked out of the house before. That was all Jessica. I’m sure that people thought we both did it, but I was always too chicken.

That changes tonight.

It’s almost too easy. The roof of the porch is right outside the window, and swinging down to the railing is a breeze. I don’t think I would have thought it was easy in high school. I would have been terrified and nervous. Right now, I have nothing to lose and no fucks to give.

This time I don’t bother to head out to the road, I cut straight through our fields. A light snow is falling, and it’s dark with only the moon shining, but I know this route by heart. Casey was the literal boy next door. We played together in these fields and ran back and forth between our houses more than I can even remember.

More than one time, the cries of ‘Casey and Carley’ had been chanted at us on the playgrounds at school—usually started by Jessica. We disagreed.

Maybe we would have found our way to each other sooner if we hadn’t been teased about it. When we started seeing each other, we kept it secret, only meeting a few times behind the school to kiss until we were breathless. Neither of us wanted the attention that would come from actually being ‘Casey and Carley.’

When we left the fireworks together and headed into the woods, it felt like it was inevitable. Like the world had been guiding us toward that moment forever, and we just had to let it happen.

Tonight, walking to his house feels a little like that.

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I’m just tired and heartbroken and looking for someone to make me feel something, but I don’t really believe that.

That night was supposed to be the beginning of something. Not the end of it. But my misunderstanding and his embarrassment had cut it short. What would our lives have looked like if that hadn’t happened? Would I still have left for college? Would I still have met Tyler and fallen in love anyway? Or would Casey and I have found happiness here in Elgin? Somewhere else?

All those what-ifs are crowding in my brain. And the only thing that will soothe them is seeing him again. That and the fact that I want him. Deeply and desperately. I need to feel him again and know if it can still be as good as it was the one and only time we were together.

As I cross through the patch of woods that shields his house from the road, I hear music for the second time today. But this time it’s not loud, brassy, classical music. It’s a simple guitar melody, soft and clear, ringing across the snow.

I get a little closer, and now I hear his voice. It’s smooth and tenor, with soul that makes me ache. Stepping out of the woods, I see him.

Casey is sitting on his porch with a guitar, sitting in a pool of light like he’s performing on a stage. I don’t dare move closer, because I don’t want him to stop singing. It’s too beautiful, and I don’t want to wreck this moment. With the snow falling and the moon shining, it’s like something out of a movie.

The song he’s singing…it’s a love song. But a mournful one. About a love that was lost. The lyrics are haunting. About a girl he loved who left him behind. She had golden hair and green eyes. They were lovers in the sky while the sky exploded.

Pure, unadulterated shock roots me to the spot. That’s the story of us. Our story. The love song he’s singing is about me. When did he write this? While I was trying to avoid him over a mistake that never actually happened? Or after I’d left Elgin and was completely out of his reach?

My heart hurts thinking about a younger Casey, pouring his heart out into lyrics. Over me. The moon blurs as I tear up, and I listen to him sing the rest of the song.6CaseyI strum the last notes of the song and they echo into the darkness. It’s like a blast from the past. I haven’t sung this song in years, but seeing Carley today brought it back and I had to let it out.