“I disagree.” He leaned back and laced his fingers behind his head. “It fits the guy who lives in the now. For now, I’m here. And now is all I have. So paint the walls, hang photos, get a few house plants, and a welcome mat—anything less is just waiting for something better.”
I liked his eyes on me even if I never understood why …
So I asked, “Why me?” Adjusting one of the ornaments on his tree, I kept my focus away from his expression. It was a hard question to ask. And maybe it sounded insecure, but that wasn’t it. I didn’t love him because he was thirty and looked like Captain America. That would have been attraction. That would have made it easy to have a one-night stand.
“Why Epperly? Why blue paint? Why grilled cheese for dinner? It’s just a feeling. A lingering feeling. Some feelings are fleeting. Some stay with you, demanding you pay attention. They are unforgettable. It was sex …”
“Until it wasn’t …” I whispered, turning toward him.
“Until it wasn’t …” He nodded. “It’s the way you blush and divert your gaze when I say something nice about you. Then, in the next moment, you’re threatening to ‘take me down.’ It’s jumping into a freezing lake then hopping into a hot tub. It’s this invigorating feeling. It’s awakening. And honestly, it feels good to let myself love you, knowing you expect nothing because you’ve already had everything. And you don’t really need me.”
Kael saw the version of myself that I wanted to be long before I got there.
“What makes you think I don’t need you?”
“You’re here.”
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t.
He stood and made his way to me, my heart beating faster and harder with each step. I shivered when he gently brushed the palm of his hand over my cheek. “You’re here to say goodbye.”
Tears burned my eyes. “Yes.”
The pad of his thumb caught the first tear. “It was a moment … at Spoons when I turned around and exposed us to all of Epperly … it was a moment. A feeling. I had to jump. I needed to know what it felt like to love you in front of the world. I needed to let us shine, if only for a few seconds before everything collapsed around us.”
I rested my hand over his, leaning into his touch. “How did it feel?”
He smiled. “You tell me.”
“It felt … freeing. It felt … real.”
Kael kissed me, confirming that it was real, reminding me that life was nothing but a moment, and no one was guaranteed more than one. We were real, even if we weren’t forever.
It took a long time to let go. Some moments deserved extra seconds … a few more breaths.
When I took a step back, he kept his hand on my face. I slowly took another step away from him, his touch fading away. “Thank you.”
“For?” His eyes narrowed.
“Not letting me sit around and die an old goose.”
His grin reached for his ears. “I’m sure I’ll see you around.”
“Maybe.” I shrugged, turning to get my coat, boots, and dog. When I reached for the doorknob, my aching chest drew in a deep breath.
Wait for me … I so desperately wanted to say it, but I didn’t.
“Merry Christmas, Kael.”Chapter Twenty-FourSometimes amazing things come to an end. It doesn’t mean you wish they’d never happened. If I had it to do all over again … I would have married the same man. I would have chosen the same path. We were real; we just weren’t forever.* * *A collective look of shock hit me when I arrived for my last grief meeting at the church. Stopping at the entrance to let everyone get a good look at Epperly’s number one sinner, I pulled my lips into a tight smile.
“Elsie,” Rhonda said, lifting her chin, looking down her nose at me.
“Hi.” My gaze went to Tillie, but she quickly averted hers.
“Here’s a seat by me.” Kelly pointed to the empty chair between her and Bethanne.
“Thanks.” I walked across the room—the walk of shame—and took a seat.
No one said anything, in spite of me being fifteen minutes late. Surely they’d been talking before I arrived. Probably about me.
“Listen …” I swallowed my fear and embarrassment. “This is my last time with the group for reasons I’m sure all of you are well aware of. I’m taking a break from church too. I do a fantastic job of judging myself. I am and always will be my hardest critic. Tomorrow is the anniversary of Craig’s death. And it brings a special kind of pain that no one in this room knows about. Until now …”
I risked a quick glance up from my folded hands in my lap. “The tiny rock in the shoe. The little things that I didn’t love about Craig. The little annoying things that crawled under my skin and ate at my soul … they ended my marriage. But they didn’t ruin it. I have four beautiful children, a heart filled with love, and a mind packed with memories of a long and successful marriage. Sometimes amazing things come to an end. It doesn’t mean you wish they’d never happened. If I had it to do all over again … I would have married the same man. I would have chosen the same path. We were real; we just weren’t forever.”