The One I Need (Snakes Henchmen MC 2)

It was agreed that Mandy and her husband Ray would collect the baby as soon as she was able to go home. But that wouldn't be for a few days because she was sickly and small.

That first night, a nurse came into my room with the baby and literally begged me to breastfeed her. Ember was so sick they couldn't get her to suckle a bottle, and they didn't have enough donated breast milk to give her what she needed. They didn't want to insert a feeding tube unless it was absolutely necessary. They could've given her formula but felt breast milk would be best for her. So, obviously, they thought they'd try me. They weren't to know what happened to me, how I ended up pregnant with Ember, I told Mandy, no one else.

But still I refused to breastfeed the baby.

Told her that I couldn't do it. She had no idea how much it was killing me inside being so close to that baby and hearing her cries of pain. Because the baby was in pain.

I couldn't take it.

So I reluctantly took the baby from the nurse who then helped her latch on to my breast. The nurse left the room for a while, and the whole time, I cried. The intimate moment between my daughter and me was too much. I saw how beautiful and innocent she was, and I couldn't believe such a beautiful little creature had come from such an awful night. I stroked the back of her head and told her how I would always love her and how sorry I was that I couldn't keep her.

I ended up breastfeeding her the entire time she was in the hospital. Two weeks. Mandy was fine with that because she was still breastfeeding her twins and wanted what was best for Ember.

The day they came for her, I found it hard to let go. I cried my heart out. It tore me up inside to the point I couldn't let go. Mandy told me that I didn't have to let go, that I could take my baby home and love her the way she knew I wanted to. And I did want to. But the fact remained that I couldn't care for her the way she needed me to care for her. And so Mandy took my baby girl from my arms and left.

I lay in bed that night in my cold bedroom back home and sobbed until I had nothing left in me to cry out. My boobs were leaking like crazy and I missed the special moments Ember and I shared each time I nursed her. I'd already promised Mandy that I would express milk each day for the baby and nurse her at least once a day. She didn't have enough milk to feed three babies.

Each day, I took the milk around to her house. Each day, she allowed me to hold Ember, to nurse her. I clung to those special half-hour days. And it took me a lot to walk out of there without her each time.

I did that up until I just couldn't take anymore and I had to make a choice. Either be her mother and take her home or leave and get on with my life. Ember was happy where she was and I needed to find my father. I needed a way to put behind me what happened. So I distanced myself from my child. I stopped going around there. I expressed the milk on the understanding that Mandy fetched it from me without Ember in her arms.

Mandy talked about adoption and how she wanted to get the ball rolling. I agreed because I knew it was what was best for my daughter. But it seemed that neither Mandy or I ever got around to setting anything in motion.

Around all of that, I got on with my work, doing the job people hired me for. All the time finding out more information on my father and where to find him. He'd been four hours away all that time.

Of course, I could have found that out easily months before, but I was so wrapped up in what happened to me, getting revenge, and my decision to leave my baby behind that it kind of took a back seat.

I thought coming here last month meant I could put it all behind me. Finally, Ember was with a good family who I thought would love and care for her the way they did their own children. I even told Mandy in our last phone conversation that it was time to get the adoption rolling. She told me she'd speak to the right people and get the ball rolling. I thought Ember would finally be settled.

Obviously, I put my faith in the wrong people. And now my daughter is laying on my bed fast asleep and I have no fucking clue what the hell to do.

What am I supposed to tell my father?

Will he be angry?

Will my brother?

Maybe I could find her a new family before mine finds out about her. All I know is that I can't bring her into the life I have made for myself. I couldn't be that selfish.

“Here.” I turn in my seat on the couch to look at Tank, he's offering me a cup of coffee. I don't drink coffee. I haven't nursed Ember in almost a month, but for some reason, I still express milk twice a day. If I didn't want my child wouldn't I have allowed my milk to dry up?

But every single day, I know when she's hungry, my boobs ache and leak. Every day, my heart breaks thinking about how much I wish I could be the mother she needs, and every day, I long for it all to end.

“I can't drink that.”

“You don't like coffee?” He asks while placing two cups on my coffee table and taking a seat beside me.

“I don't know why I have it in the cupboard when no one comes around here much. I stopped drinking it when Ember was born. I had to nurse her.” I shrug while leaning my head back against the couch.

“But you haven't nursed her in a while.”

“I made sure my milk didn't dry up. Why would I do that if I intended to leave her behind, Tank? What's wrong with me?” The tears fall from my eyes. I'm tired and emotional, and so very confused.

I close my eyes to the touch of his hand on my face, his thumb wiping away the tears from my cheek gently. “Because you love her and you knew deep down that you'd see her again.”

“I don't know what to do, Tank.” I sob. “I'm so confused.”

“Come here.” He pulls me into his arms and I let him. I need someone to hold me right now. No one's held me since I was a little girl. His big strong arms encase me. I rest my head against his powerful chest and he strokes my hair tenderly. “Someone hurt you, didn't they?”

I don't answer him. He'd never understand if I told him the truth. And to be honest, I don't want to tell him, or anyone else for that matter.

“I know, Nova. I figured it out. And it was more than one man, wasn't it?”

I close my eyes and let the silent tears fall. I can't answer him. What am I supposed to say? That I was kidnapped? Held prisoner? Beaten? Abused? Raped? Used like I was nothing but a whore?

All of that is true, but I couldn't bear to actually say it out loud. Especially not to this man. It would make it all real if I let it out. I've pretended for so long that I can't let go. Sure, I've ended almost every man that hurt me, but there are still a couple bastards still out there, walking around like they don't have a care in the world.

Not for long.

I feel Tank's heavy breaths and the beating of his heart in his massive chest against my face. I close my eyes and listen to the rhythm, it's soothing.

“The past is gone, baby. And if you tell me who those men are, I'll kill the motherfuckers for what they've done to you!” I smile to myself. He's so damn sweet. But I don't need him to avenge me, I did that myself.

I stroke his chest trying to calm him. “I don't need you to be a hero, Tank. Not in that respect at least. They're all gone now. Well, all but two. I made sure of it.”

“The Exorcist?” I nod against him. He doesn't know that I'm The Exorcist, only Jett does. But Tank believes I work for “him” as they all refer to The Exorcist as. “Good.” He mumbles against my hair before kissing me there.

“I can't imagine what you went through after something like that, Nova. But that little girl in there is not to blame. She needs you, you're her mother. The one person in this world she needs the most is you. She is a part of you, Nova. A very beautiful part of you.”

“But I'm scared.” I look up at him and he strokes my face. “I'm scared that I'll mess her up like my mother did me.”

I'm also scared to do this alone. I'm a trained killer for fuck’s sake. If anybody finds out who I truly am I'll have an army of men and women at my door ready to take me out. How would it be fair to Ember for me to bring her

into that way of life?

You brought her into the world, Nova, she's stuck in that way of life with you. There's nothing you can do about it now.

The only thing I can do is give up The Exorcist. There are just two motherfuckers left for me to end. Two bastards I need to make pay for what they did to me. Either one of them could be Ember's father. But then so could one of the other bastards who raped me. Just two more cunts and Ember and I could be free from it all.

Listen to me. What am I thinking? That I'm going to keep my little girl? Maybe I just need to have a little more faith in my abilities to be a mom, in my ability to protect her. She's my baby, there is nothing I wouldn't do to protect her.

“You will not mess her up, Nova. You are not your mother. But if you give up on that beautiful little girl in there, then there is a good chance she'll become messed up.”

I know he's right. I know it in my heart.

But I am so scared that I'll one day look at her and see nothing but those men and what they did to me. I don't want to be the mother who grows to despise her own child because of the memories left behind.

“You have so many people to count on, sweetheart. So many people who love you.” Something in the way he said that made my heart beat a little faster.

My eyes close with a slight roll as he cups my face and leans into me. Oh my god, he's gonna kiss me! “You're so beautiful.” He whispers against my mouth.

“Tank,” It comes out breathy, simply because I can hardly breathe with how hard my heart is beating. Then his lips hit mine and a loud groan escapes my throat.