Still, no matter what he's done to me, I will never turn my back on him. He's my friend. That's all we should ever have been. Friends. Yes, he's hurt me badly with his lies and deceit, but I can't force myself to turn my back on him. I won't. I don't care what anyone thinks of me for that. I'll never take him back, I'm not stupid. But I know we can salvage some sort of friendship out of this. After I've given him a piece of my mind.
“Hammer had no damn right to do or say anything! This is my business, Nova, please just give it a rest.”
“Oh my god, she's gonna let him get away with it.” I roll my eyes at Coral and rub my forehead. I'm getting a headache. “You're gonna take him back, aren't you? Don't you dare take him back, girl.”
“It's not really any of your business whether she takes him back or not.”
“Thank you, Tessa.” At least someone seems to be listening to me.
Tessa is Ace's old lady. Tessa is my age, Ace is quite a bit older, thirty-six years of age, but she loves him and that's all that matters. Tessa and I have been friends a long time, longer than she's been with Ace.
“That's not to say I think you should take the idiot back.”
What is this? Pick on Willow day?
“Babe, he's no good for you. I've been telling you for years. Remember when we were in college and you had that crush on him? I told you then not to be with him.”
I couldn't help having a crush on Trace, back then, he was so handsome, so funny, so smart. We both wanted to be lawyer's back then. No, correction. Jordan's parents forced him to be who they thought he should be. I decided that being a lawyer wasn't for me after all and I changed tact. I took a literacy course instead. I love to write. I also really wanted to be a teacher, I worked hard to be one, I'm still working hard at it.
Anyway, I could see Jordan wasn't happy doing what he was doing back then. His jokes and pranks on friends were just his way of masking his unhappiness. I made him see that he didn't need to be anyone but who he was. That he had to do what made him happy. He finished college with his degree in law, but never put it to use. He joined the Snakes instead.
His parents were not happy at all. They haven't been the same with him since. But Jordan – Trace – is happier than he's ever been. But there's still something inside that makes him act the way he does. I honestly believe he has some kind of undiagnosed behavioral problem.
“I get it, okay? I shouldn't be with him. I'm not going to be with him anymore. Our relationship is over. I'm not stupid enough to stay with the man after he cheated on me. We fell out of love a long time ago, we were just holding on to... I don't even know what. But he's my friend regardless of what he's done, and I won't turn my back on him!” Each one of them huffs in annoyance. I don't expect them to understand, but I'm tired of being told what I should and shouldn't do. How I should and shouldn't feel.
“Can you all just back off, I've had enough of this shit to last a lifetime. I love y'all, but I'm a grown woman, I can take care of myself. I don't need any of you telling me what to do. And I definitely don't need Hammer smacking Trace around!”
“He was just looking out for you.”
“Well, I don't need him to, Coral. I don't need him for anything.”
“You and he would be so good together.”
“No,” I cut my sister off. I'm not going there with them. “There will never be any him and me, okay? In my mind, he will always be my best friend's old man, never mine. So can we please never talk about this again?”
I'm done with this shit. I'm so tired of the girls going on and on at me about me and Hammer each time I have a fight with Jordan. There is no me and Hammer!
I didn't stay long with the girls, my mind just wasn't on anything other than getting home and taking a long hot bubble bath. That's why I spent ten minutes with my little niece and left. This is what I needed, to soak in the hot water in my tub.
Jordan hasn't been in contact with me yet. I'm not sure if he's avoiding me or whether or not the boys hurt him. I don't like the idea of either of those scenarios. No, I don't want him back, he and I are done for good this time. But I don't want him to get hurt either.
I don't want Shepard to outcast him from the club. That's what I told my Dad when he called to say he wanted to see me. I told him that I didn't want to make a big deal of things, that I'd see him tomorrow. I told him that I was angry with Jordan for what he did, but I don't want him to lose his place with the Snakes, he worked hard to get to where he is. He's dedicated to the club and the brothers, God knows he's never had much to cling to in his life. I don't want anyone to treat him differently. All I want is for us to part amicably. I don't think we can ever be close friends again after what he's done, but that doesn't mean I want to ruin his life either.
I sound like a stupid doormat. Trust me, I am no doormat. I just don't feel the need to be a bitch about everything. I'm hurt, but if he knew how I've loved another man for months, he'd be just as hurt. I may not have cheated on Jordan physically, but I did mentally plenty of times.
Does that make me as bad as him?
Anyway, Dad was angry but promised he wouldn't throw Jordan out of the club, however, he'd be on probation for the next few weeks.
I left Jordan a voicemail, asking him to meet with me so that we can talk things through. I don't just want to walk away without knowing why he did this to me. I'm not going to sit here and bash myself over a relationship that never really worked. We've both done things we shouldn't have. At least I can say I never physically cheated. But I think we should've realized the first time he was unfaithful that we were never going to work out. I don't think I ever really moved past it. I was stupid to have given him a second chance.
I close my eyes and lean my head back against the tub. I tied my hair up in a high bun before I climbed into the hot water. All I wanted was to relax. And relaxing right now feels so good. My muscles have been aching like crazy today.
It's not unusual for me to ache like this after what happened to me. The way I was bound to the chair in that room gave me a crick in my neck and back that's never really gone away. Plus, my arm was broken after they hit me. It may have healed, but I still feel it sometimes. Then there's my throat and the fact it still hurts me occasionally. My scar burns a lot. It's irritating at best.
I've only gotten my PJ's on when there's a knock on the door. Rushing to answer it, I see it's Jordan. Not that I expected anything less. He stayed away last night, probably at the clubhouse. He didn't even call me to let me know he was alive. Inconsiderate prick.
He would have let himself in if I hadn't bolted the door. He may live here with me, but this is my house. Shepard bought it for me last year. Jordan and I hadn't lived together before that.
I let him walk past me and into the living room. I can see the bruises on his face from where Hammer hit him. He's also holding his ribs, so I imagine someone else's fist met with his body. Unless Hammer really did hammer into him.
“What can I help you with?” I don't care how formal that sounds, this man is nothing to me now. That's not true. I want him to be nothing, but he'll always be something, as much as I hate it, it's true.
“Just came to get my stuff. I won't be here long.”
“That's it? No, ‘Sorry for cheating on you while you were in the next room with your family, Willow’?”
“Where would it get me?”
Is he for real? He's not even going to apologize for what he's put me through?
“Shepard wants me to move out and leave you alone. If I do that, I won't lose my place with the Snakes.” Oh well, if that's all he cares about. “For what it's worth, I am sorry it had to end this way.”
“Just answer me this, did you stay with me after what happened out of duty?” I don't need to know how many times he cheated, it won't make me feel any better about things if he told me. In fact, it would probably make me feel worse, so I won't ask.
“I'm sorry, Will, I never wanted to hurt you. I honestly didn't. I'm not a complete m
onster. You're my friend. But the fact is, it wasn't working between us for months before you were taken, you know that.” I do know that. We hadn't been working for a while, but neither of us had the guts to end it.
“I was planning on breaking up with you the day you were kidnapped,” Real nice. “I thought they'd killed you.”
“So, you got on with your life without even trying to help find me?! You know what? Don't answer that, I don't even care what the answer is. Just get your stuff and get out of my house.”
“I did help find you. Where the hell has this bullshit come from?! My god!” He rakes his hands through his long hair. I see so much hurt in his eyes. “My grandfather died a couple nights before you were found. I had been over at his place when I got the call to say they knew where you were. I rushed right over, but I was too late, you were...”
“It doesn't matter, Jordan. This is a clean break for both of us. I hope you find what you're looking for. I'm probably stupid, but I'll always be here if you need a friend. But it's time for you to go now.” And he does just that.
Without one word and a sad smile, he packs his things and leaves. The end of a three-year relationship just like that.
Now what?
Chapter Four
Hammer
Prick. Fuckin' son of a bitch. Shepard let the motherfucker off with what he'd done. All because Willow didn't want him to be thrown out of the club. I can't fuckin' believe her! Why the hell wouldn't she want him punished to max for what he'd done?
She's a damn pushover, that's what she is.
How am I ever gonna make her see that she deserves better than men who walk all over her?
Is she so clueless when it comes to men that she'd just put up with this shit?
I think it's time I taught her how to stand up for herself.