Gritting her teeth, she counted to ten inside her head.
One, two, three, four, five…
“Tabs, wait,” Daisy said, catching her attention.
She stopped and turned to look at her friend. There was no denying it, Daisy had been a rock to her.
“What’s up?” she asked.
“You don’t … let me come with you.”
“It’s nothing bad. I can handle this.”
“I know you’re doing this all alone and you don’t want or need my help. I get it. I do. But you’re not alone.”
“I’m very much aware of how not alone I am.” She forced a smile to her lips. “I’ve got you. I’ve got all the guys. Miles. The club. Believe me, I’m completely surrounded by how not alone I am.” There were times she felt guilty because she believed they were trying to smoother her. They were constantly trying to show her how important she was, how she belonged to them.
“Do you want to be alone? Is that what you’re saying?”
“Daisy, just go back inside. We both know that’s where you want to be.” She went to turn away.
“That’s unfair. You don’t think I understand? Life handed you a shit deal and you’ve been coping the best way you can, but that doesn’t mean you get to blame it on me.”
“I’m not blaming it on you.” She growled out each word. “Damn it. Does it ever occur to you that I don’t want to be part of some stupid potluck organization? That I don’t want to have to deal with all of this crap? You’re worried about me. Fine. Do me a favor and stop. I mean it. Just stop. I’m not you. I didn’t get my happily-ever-after. You did. Right now, you’re living the life that was always supposed to be yours, right? You’ve got the mother-in-law, the title.”
“Stop it.”
“Stop trying to turn me into you,” Tabitha said. “I’m not like you. I will never be like you.”
“I hate this. I’m trying so hard. You think I don’t see you dying inside? That I haven’t seen it all this time? I’ve watched you for five years and it kills me.”
“Then stop looking. Stop trying.”
“Tabs, please.”
She tried to walk away. Clenching her hands into fists, she turned back to her best friend. Daisy was one of her favorite people in the whole world. Darcy had been as well, but there was a bigger age gap between them. Also, Darcy had married Ink, who was much older and she’d become an old lady. In her mind, she and Daisy were part of the new generation of Skulls. Darcy was the old.
Even still, watching them all with their happy lives. Their men. Their perfect families. She loved them all dearly but that didn’t stop the envy.
“You got what you always wanted, Daisy. I’m happy for you. It wasn’t supposed to be this way for me and I know you all get tired of hearing about it. I don’t want to be that person anymore. Just leave me the fuck alone. Go back to your perfect life, and let me go.”
This time, Daisy didn’t call her back. She wasn’t stopped as she left the gate of the clubhouse.
Being a Skull was in her blood, but the moment Simon walked away, with each passing day she got further away from who she was, who she used to be. Nothing made much sense to her.
Keeping her hands clenched, she walked into town, not stopping, not waving at anyone. So many people knew her and she’d grown up being part of Fort Wills that it was impossible to be left alone.
Was that why she never left?
Why she didn’t go to Piston County?
Lexie, Simon’s mother, had offered her a place to stay many times. Had even given the suggestion of her actually living in her own place.
She was torn.
Deep in her soul, she wasn’t a Skull anymore. Hadn’t been for a long time. She still attended all the necessary picnics and parties, the family get-togethers, but something was missing. Something had been missing the past couple of years and she wasn’t an idiot. She knew what it was.
Simon.
He’d ridden off into the night, leaving her behind, and rather than being able to find herself again, she’d lost everything.
He was just gone.
You’re also angry.
All the fucking time.
She didn’t think about her anger. There was no point. It never helped her. It didn’t get her anywhere. All her anger did was feed the beast within and that was never good.
The last thing she wanted to feel was the anger, especially with where she was going.
She clenched and loosened her fists, trying to gain composure again.
Picking up the pace, she held the handle of her bag and pounded out her anger. The tears were so close to the surface, but she sucked them right back inside. There was no time for tears, not for her.