“Jasmine, are you in here?” I could hear Keisha pounding on my bedroom door.
“Yeah, sorry love, give me a minute.”
I had been dwelling in my own misery for months it seemed. After what had happened between James and Greg and the fight they had had, I couldn’t bear to face either of them. I sunk into an abyss of sadness. My days consisted of dragging myself to work. My dream job had almost become a sort of burden to me. I didn’t want to deal with anyone. I would go into work and constantly be watching the clock and counting down the minutes before I could leave to go home and sink back into my mopey state. My fluffy white duvet was the only comfort I needed. I would curl up in my bed, get under the covers with a box of chocolate or a pizza if I was hungry and binge watch reality shows; anything that would take my mind off of James.
It was Sunday evening and the farthest I had gone all weekend was the distance from my bed to the fridge. My pink pyjama set with sheep on them had not been washed all week and I could spot some remaining chip crumbs on my breast pocket. Jumping out of my bed, I tried to scavenge for something to wear so that I looked approachable talking to Keisha. I knew that she was worried about me and I didn’t want her to realize the true extent of my depressed phase. I picked up a sundress out of my closet and threw it on myself. A little out of season, but it was better then coming out in my food stained pyjamas. I threw my duvet over the 2-day-old pizza box to cover the rest of the evidence and turned off the television.
When I finally opened the door, Keisha was standing there tapping her foot.
“What the hell took you so long?”
“Sorry, I uh… just woke up.” I responded.
“Jasmine…. It’s six in the evening. You know you can’t stay this way forever. I think we need to talk about this. If you can’t talk to me about it, who can you talk to?”
Keisha was absolutely right; I hadn’t spoken to anyone about it but I still felt like I wasn’t ready for that. I wanted to be left alone, and I wanted to figure things out on my own. I had always been stubborn. I recognized that I was stubborn, but that didn’t want me to fix it any more.
“Keisha, I understand you’re worried about me, but you don’t have to be! I’m completely fine, don’t worry about it!”
I gently ushered her out of the doorway and closed the door on her. I couldn’t deal with her right now. I climbed back into my warm cozy bed and pulled out the last slice of pizza from the box while I simultaneously put my reality television back on the set.
*****
When I woke up the next morning, I looked like a complete and utter mess. The curls of my hair were so tangled that I wouldn’t be able to brush them out without pulling out half the hairs on my head. I threw my curls into a high bun on my head to hide the rat nest look of my hair and applied some light mascara and lipstick to make myself look approachable enough for the library. I had already lost the man of my dreams over complete bullshit, the last thing I needed right now was to lose my dream career, also over bullshit. I threw on a baggy black dress and pair of matching black flats. The black would cover up the fact that I had let myself go quite a bit in the previous months. The frumpy dress would hopefully cover up those extra curves I had piled on through the mass amounts of junk I had been eating.
I walked out of the bedroom into the kitchen and Keisha was standing by the stove making breakfast. The table was set for two with a beautiful floral white tablecloth, matching napkins, our best china from the cabinet, and a bouquet of roses in a vase in the middle of the table.
“Rise and shine my sunshine!” she said as she saw me creeping out of my bedroom. “I’ve taken the liberty of making you breakfast this morning, I figured I would trap you into spending some time with me” she said with a wink and a wide grim smile spread thick across her petite face.
I couldn’t even be mad. I was so lucky to have such a good friend like Keisha. I never knew how she had always seemed to keep herself so well put together. Nothing could upset her! She had been through bad breakups and shrugged them off simply while investing all her time back into her every day life. Her beautiful chemically straightened black hair framed her face so perfectly that she could make any man fall in love with her in a matter of one glance. She had high cheekbones with a small jaw and huge lush lips with huge oval shaped hazel eyes. She was slim, but still had curves. I had always been envious of Keisha. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever met, and I was so happy to claim that she was my best friend.
“You know I love you right?!” I said as I pulled out the wooden chair from our small table and sat myself down.
“Let’s elope and marry each other,” she giggled. “I’ll cook you this same breakfast every morning and be there to binge watch cheesy reality shows with you..”
I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. Her quirky humour was just the thing I needed that morning. Keisha set down a cup of espresso in front of me in a small drinking teacup and put out a bowl of sugar and canister of cream. Next she picked up my plate and dished 2 poached eggs, a side of back bacon, and 2 slices of toast with concord jelly onto the side of my plate.
“Wow, Keisha you really didn’t have to do all of this.”
“Anything for my special girl” she said as she sat down across from me and scooted in her chair.
“Bon appetite ma Cherie” I replied.
I was so starving, and it had been weeks since I had had a proper meal like this. I must ha
ve looked like a savage pig eating because I finished my meal in half the time it took Keisha. If it were a civilized thing to do, I probably would have started to lick the plate clean to show how much I loved her cooking. I leaned my elbow onto the table, cupping my chin in the palm of my hand and stared at Keisha.
She was such a classy girl. She had taken the white napkin from the table, folded it on her plate. She sat up straight to eat her meal and used the proper utensils for each course of the meal. I couldn’t help myself from admiring her. What would I do with her? I knew I would never be where I am today without Keisha’s support. When she finished her meal she picked up the napkin and wiped the corner of her mouth with it and mimicked my pose of leaning on the counter cupping her face in her hand.
“You know I’m always here for you right Jasmine?”
“Don’t be ridiculous, of course I know that! Don’t get so fucking sentimental on me!” I stuck out my tongue at her and stood up from the table.
I picked up our dishes and dumped them in the dishwasher to put on automatic rinse.
“Okay seriously, I’m in a rush though, I should get to work!”
“Yeah yeah… get a move on! Eat my home cooked breakfast and leave just like that psssshhhh” Keisha said sarcastically..
“I’m sorry, I love youuu! See you tonight babe! I told her on my way out the door.
I started to walk towards the library, and like a brick wall, the depression hit me again. I could keep myself distracted for a few minutes, but as soon as I started thinking about James again, all the memories started to flood back to my memory. It wasn’t the actual incident between James and Greg that made me so sad, but rather, it was memories of that amazing night I had had with James that made me so sad. This could have been the man I spent the rest of my life with if thinks had worked out for us better. James had left about 100 messages in my voicemail, pretty much one a day but I still couldn’t build up the courage to pick up the phone and call him back. Like clockwork, he would call me every day at around 5 in the evening when he knew that I would be finished at the library, but I had put the status to “ignore” on my contacts list so that I wasn’t tempted to answer the phone when he was calling. Sometimes, I dreamt about him too. Mostly flash backs from the night down at the beach and would wake up wishing that he were there lying down next to me. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I had gotten over Greg so fast. Of course I still talked to him after the break up but the emotional and romantic connection completely disappeared. With James there had been no closure to our relationship, I felt like we had unfinished business but if what Greg said about him was true, I couldn’t’ stand the thought of getting back together with a guy like that.
I took a detour on my way to the library and stopped off at the pier to look out at sea to clear my mind. I walked down the splintered wood of the dock until I hit the barrier at the end of it. I sat down on the wood barrier and looked out at sea. I must have played that night with James in my head about a billion times, and I just couldn’t let it go. I could still feel the sensation of his fingertips on my thigh, the waves crashing against the soles of our feet, and the instant connection that we had that night. He had told me that I was the most beautiful girl he had ever met, of course something every girl wants to hear. Greg was never that romantic and I realized that it was going to be a long while until I found that kind of love again, if I ever did. I didn’t think I could have those feelings for someone, how could I know if I would ever feel them again? Next to me I spotted two seagulls perched on the street lamp. They were cuddled next to each other and I couldn’t help think to myself, that even birds had found love. I knew it was simple, but as humans, we like to make things a lot more difficult than they need to be. I could have stood there and spoken to James and believed what he told me. Society taught me to not believe men, I couldn’t believe Greg or James so I had to get out of there as fast as possible so that I could make my own decision. Three months later, and I still hadn’t come up with a conclusion.
I felt like a terrible person, Greg had been rushed to the hospital that night and stayed there overnight. He tried to phone me but I never answered the phone to him either. I know that a good person would have been there for him but I felt so conflicted, and frankly I was pissed that he had to go about spying on us and trying to dig up any kind of dirt he could on James. If Greg had just left us alone, things would have been going well still. Maybe with time, James would have explained to me what he does for a living. He just wanted to make sure I wasn’t a gold digger. If that was the case, I was still utterly in love with him. What scared me the most was uncertainty. What if what Greg said had been true? Maybe James was this terrible person that made all his wealth off of evicting people in poor communities to develop his big projects over top of these once poor suburbs.
I looked at my watch and realized that 20 minutes had gone by already. My shift started in 10 minutes and I had better hurry if I hoped to make it there on time. I picked up my purse and walked back down towards the street. The streets were nearly empty, not a person in sight. I could hear some noise coming from the highway a few blocks down but otherwise I couldn’t see a soul in sight. It was such a freeing feeling knowing that I was the only one there. It gave me a chance to clear my head from all of the ongoing commotion in my life.
I reached the library, and walked up the large grand steps out front and unlocked the door. No Jasmine flowers waiting inside for me, but it was better this way. Despite memories of James being everywhere around me, I was excited to work well today and do a good job. I wouldn’t let him bother my thoughts today. I walked to the back room and up to the control panel to switch on the main lights in the library. There is no other liberating feeling in the world than knowing that you’re in control of something. For me, it was one of the most magical sights seeing the library completely barren in the morning, at that time of day, it was all mine.
I walked to the front and unlocked the front doors. We were officially open for business for the day. Come at me customers I thought to myself as I sat myself down in front of the large bureau near the front hall of the library. In one of the drawers, we all kept the books we were reading at the time. I was reading The Great Gatsby and had fallen in love with the character Daisy. She had to be the luckiest girl in the world. A billionaire threw these large extravagant parties for her only in the hopes that she would come to one of them one day. Even though she used to be in love with Gatsby, she acted stubbornly when it came to love. She reminded me a lot of myself. I knew deep inside that I could have had something magical with James but I had let it slip through my fingers because things weren’t exactly in perfect circumstances. As I was half way through my page, a customer walked in. Not our typical customer, he was dressed in a black suit, white shirt, and black tie with aviator shades. It seemed to be a very formal look for someone just looking to rent a book. I greeted him as he walked in, but he gave me no response. He looked like he was in a rush and he walked straight back to the cooking help section in the back. No one ever went there, it was such a odd thing I thought to myself, but whatever, to each their own I guess. I thought nothing of it and continued reading my book. Just as quick as he came in, he left. He strode up to the counter and put the book on the desk.
“Just this.”
“Okay, sure, so you’re not the best at cooking huh?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
Obviously this man did not want to have a friendly conversation so I left it at that. I rang the book through the libraries computer and sent him on his way. As soon as he left, I continued to put my feet up on the desk and started the next page of my novel. The library was the perfect place to relax. I could lean back in my chair and lose my thoughts when looking at the painted arched ceilings of the building, and the bookshelves that seemed to go for miles. When I was a child I imagined the large pillars of this very library reaching into the depths of heaven. I imagined that when I passed away and got there one day, there would be an
unlimited supply of books to read and I would be able to have access to this library.
Before I knew it, the suspicious man was back. Holding the book under his arm he walked up to me and slammed it down on the counter.
“Wasn’t what I was expecting, sorry I’d like to return it.”
“Uh okay, no worries, do you want a suggestion of what to read? Maybe I can help.”
“No that will be it madam.” He turned his back to me and strode out the wide doors at the front, I looked out the window and he was running down the steps of the library before getting into the passenger seat of a black Mercedes and driving off in a rush.
What a strange fella I thought to myself.
Although he probably only had the book in his possession for 30 minutes, it was protocol to flip through the pages for damage just in case. I picked up the heavy hardcover book and leaned back in my chair. As soon as I opened it up to the first page, an envelope fell out with my name written on the front.
Part of me knew what it was and if I was thinking straight I should have thrown it in the garbage straight away but my curiosity was too strong to stray away from such a strange encounter. I grabbed the antique letter opener from the counter and tore open the crisp white envelope in one fluid motion. The letter I pulled out was hand written and I immediately recognized it as James’ writing. It was short, but long enough to get his point across.