Alyssa comes into the room and approaches me. She’s quiet, like a mouse, as she likes to say, and tries to sit on the couch without making any noise. I try to hold back a smile but can’t. If it weren’t for her, I don’t know where I’d be right now. She’s been my saving grace this past year.
“Daddy,” she whispers. “This couch is very noisy.”
I open one eye and peer toward her. Nestled in her arm and pressed to her chest is the teddy bear the family who received my wife’s heart gave to Alyssa.
“I kind of like the plastic.”
“Ew, it’s sticky and hard.”
“But it’ll keep the couch clean.”
Alyssa sighs. “Well, I’m going to have to bring my bean bag downstairs because I’m not sitting on this anymore.” She slides off and grimaces. “I’m telling Nana,” she mutters. This gets my attention, and I sit up while Alyssa giggles.
“I’ll take the plastic off, but because I love you so much you can still bring your bean bag downstairs.”
She shakes her head. “Maybe. I don’t know if I want you to sit on it.”
“Hey,” I say as I pull her toward me. “That’s not very nice. Santa’s watching, ya know.”
Alyssa smiles a very toothless grin. “Nana says I have been a very good girl.”
She has, all things considered. Christmas is something I’m not looking forward to. I don’t know how to be the mom my wife was at this time of year. Last year, my mother saved the holiday and made it something special for Alyssa. I know she’ll do the same this year, but I can’t depend on my mother to be grandma and play Santa forever. This year, I’ve vowed to make the holidays better for Alyssa.
“You know what I’m thinking?”
“What?” Alyssa asks.
“I think that we need to unpack some boxes, and then we’ll go down to the square and visit Santa. After we see the holly jolly guy, we will go get some of the best hot cocoa you’ve ever had at my favorite place.”
Alyssa thinks on this for a minute while she taps her small index finger to her cheek. “Nana makes delicious hot chocolate.”
“I know, but Aunt Mathie’s has the best.”
“Who is this Aunt Mathie person? I don’t have an aunt with that name.” Alyssa puts both hands on her hips, and her poor bear is stuck between her arm and her side. It’s a good thing it is stuffed, or he’d be gasping for air.
“Aunt Mathie is the name of the diner. It has been in the town square for a very long time, long before Nana was a little girl. When I was your age, Nana and Papa used to take your auntie Belle and me to visit Santa every year, and then we’d go to the diner for a special treat of hot cocoa. Sometimes, we’d get pie or a piece of cake. And then Papa would drive us around to look at all the Christmas lights.”
Alyssa processes what I tell her and finally says, “Okay, I think we should go.”
“Me too.”
“But maybe not for hot cocoa. I don’t want to hurt Nana’s feelings.”
“You won’t, I promise.”
My daughter seems unsure, and so I do the next best thing. I pull my phone out of my pocket, go to my most recent calls, press my mother's name, the speakerphone button, and wait for her to answer. Before I can even say anything, Alyssa starts talking.
“Nana, my daddy wants to take me to this auntie place, and I just don’t know. He says she has better hot chocolate than you. I told him he’s just silly because you make the best.”
My mom chuckles on the other end. “Sweetie, if you’re going to Auntie Mathie’s, then I’m going to meet you there. I can’t remember the last time I went there for a special treat. What time should I meet you there?”
Alyssa’s eyes go wide as she meets mine. “What time, Daddy?”
I look at my wrist, only to realize I never put my watch on this morning. “Tell Nana we will call her in a couple of hours.”
“Nana, did you hear my dad?”
“I did. I’ll be waiting for your call, sweetie.”Part of me wishes I hadn’t made plans with Alyssa to see Santa today of all days. I’m tired, emotionally drained, and not ready to face any of my former classmates. When I left Meadowbrook, I did so with no intentions of ever returning. Growing up in a small town has zero perks unless you’re a parent raising a family. As a teen, I hated this place. There wasn’t anything to do. Our movie theater never had the newly released movies. The nearest mall was an hour away, and the one highlight we had—the skating rink—shut down midway through my sophomore year of high school. Everyone in town played sports, whether they were good or not, and everyone gossiped. Church is the place everyone goes to if they need to know what’s going on or if they need to spread the news. And we all learned early on to stay away from the group of older women who are always seen together. If you rode by them on your bike, just a bit too fast, they were on the phone with your mother, grandmother, and your great aunt before you could even get home.