‘Have you even tried?’ she snapped back.
What she had least wanted happened. The discussion she’d hoped for ended in a row. They bellowed at each other, shouting over each other as words, truths and half-truths—laced with hurt and pain—were glued together with misunderstanding. Neither listened to the other. They fed off the anger in each other’s face. Hormones fuelled Kimmie’s rage and the tirade grew louder until the windows misted up and even the outside world disappeared, until there were just two people, straining every muscle to rid themselves of the legacy of pain. They beat each other up verbally until there were no words left, and when they finally quieted Kris rested his head back and said, ‘I’m done.’
‘Me too,’ Kimmie agreed numbly.
Reaching for the handle on the passenger door, she climbed out. There was a bus stop at the end of the road and a reliable service that would take her straight home. Kris didn’t try to stop her. He didn’t leave the car.
‘Well,’ she murmured to her baby as she walked along the street. ‘It’s just you and me now. And there won’t be any more shouting, ever—I promise. I heard enough of that when I was a little girl, and I’m ashamed of myself. I don’t even know where it came from, or how it started. Actually, yes, I do,’ she argued with herself. ‘I started it. I did everything I’ve vowed not to do. I allowed everything I’ve learned to move past to swamp me, to drown me, to threaten me with the possibility of never moving forward. But I won’t let it happen again. It’s over. It’s over for good. Oh, how I wish I hadn’t lost my cool... I don’t know what happened. I’m normally so calm and, in fairness, so is your daddy...’
‘Can I join in this conversation, or is it a conversation just for one?’
Kimmie stopped dead in her tracks. Kris had followed her out of the car. She tensed and turned around. ‘You’re following me?’
‘Making sure you’re all right.’
She couldn’t blame him for that. She couldn’t blame him for anything. Kris had been honourable all along. It was just his commitment to fatherhood that continued to worry her. Would he ever be there for those important occasions that meant so much to a child? Even if it was only a non-speaking role in a Christmas play, it was a precious moment to be cherished, shared and enjoyed. Would he understand that?
‘If this is a soliloquy,’ he remarked when she remained deep in thought, ‘would you rather I left you to it?’
She looked at him, and her heart turned over. The truth was, she’d take him on any terms.
‘I’m not stalking you or attempting to control you. I’m just worried about you and want to take care of you,’ he said simply.
‘That’s just it,’ Kimmie protested. ‘I don’t need looking after.’
‘Everyone needs someone to care for them...even me.’
‘Even you?’
‘You don’t have to believe me,’ Kris argued, ‘but I was turning London upside down looking for you before I even knew you were pregnant. I wanted to see you again. I had to see you again.’
‘Because?’
‘Because you intrigued me.’
Kimmie shook her head with a sad smile on her face. ‘Is that your way of saying you like me?’
‘I don’t know what it is, but it’s the truth,’ Kris admitted. ‘I know work takes up most of my time but, even when I was cutting deals after I’d met you, I kept thinking about you. You’re too big a distraction, and one I’ve discovered I can’t function without. I need to get to know you better, so will you please get back in the car?’
‘You’re so romantic.’
‘That’s just it—I’m not, but maybe I can learn to be.’
Her bus was coming down the road. It was decision time.
There was no decision to be made, Kimmie realised. Two emotionally stunted people were going to have a child and, one way or another, they had to sort this out so they didn’t pass on their sorry heritage to a new, unsuspecting and very vulnerable life, a baby that had done nothing to deserve the fallout from its parents’ pasts.
The winter sun was shining brightly as they turned to walk back to the car. There was a beautiful London park across the road and Kris surprised her by suggesting they walk through it. ‘Fresh air and space is what we need,’ he said. ‘I don’t feel like being cooped up in a car.’
Neither did Kimmie, and so they entered the park and walked until they found a bench beneath a sheltering copse of trees. For a while neither of them spoke. It was easy to remain silent, lost in their own thoughts while water trickled soothingly into a pond in front of them. It was impossible not to picture bringing their child here to cycle along the paths, or play on the grass in the summertime. Maybe they’d have more than one baby, Kimmie mused. Kris would watch over them while she sketched the scene. As she was doing now, painting a picture of how she would like things to be. But it would never happen. How could it, when Kris didn’t have any feelings beyond those of a duty of care, which was amazing, but not enough. She embraced the bump as she thought about it, wanting nothing more than to share the love she felt for the tiny life inside her.
‘I know you find it difficult, and maybe impossible, to express your feelings,’ she said at last, ‘but I’m going to take a chance.’ When he turned with a questioning look on his face, she added steadily, ‘I love you. I know that sounds crazy after so short a time, but it’s true. I love you. You don’t have to say anything, but I just wanted you to know how I feel.’
* * *
His stomach clenched as though it had received a blow. Kimmie had never been short of courage. He only wished he could find something positive to say in response, but banishing the habit of a lifetime wasn’t easy. Expressing how he felt inside did not come naturally and, where Kimmie was concerned, he was in turmoil. There were too many feelings jostling for attention when he was used to feeling nothing.
‘We don’t have to get married to raise a child successfully,’ he said finally, knowing he was being cowardly in not dealing with her statement, but not knowing what else to say. ‘My parents were married, and so were yours, and look where that got them.’
‘Your uncle was married,’ she parried with an understanding look, ‘and it seems to have worked out really well for him.’
‘So now you want to get married? I’m confused.’
‘I didn’t say that. I’m just pointing out that different things work for different people.’
‘You could live completely independently, if that’s what you want, though, selfishly, I hope you don’t take that route. Whatever happens, I’ll make a financial settlement on our child and, of course, an allowance going forward. As much as you need,’ Kris stressed. ‘We’ll discuss everything going forward, regarding our baby’s future, before any decisions are made.’
‘So me and the baby don’t have to live with you?’
‘That’s right,’ Kris confirmed. ‘You can choose any one of my houses or, if you prefer, buy one of your own. You can stay where you are, if that’s what you really want to do, but from what I’ve heard—’
‘From Mandy?’ Kimmie queried.
‘From your good friend,’ Kris reminded her. ‘There wouldn’t be a lot of room there for you and a child, and certainly no garden
for our baby to play in when they can walk. But there are other things I want you to know about me before you make up your mind what to do.’
‘Such as?’ Kimmie waited tensely for Kris to speak.
‘You know I’m single-minded about my duty to Kaimos Shipping. Some people would think I’m obsessed to a dangerous degree.’
‘But they don’t know about your past—’ Kimmie leapt in ‘—or the debt you owe your uncle.’
Kris smiled at her understanding, and it was a relief to see him relax slightly.
‘I’m also blinkered and unaware of anything around me when I’m working on a canvas, so I do understand,’ she reassured him.
‘I’ve had no reason to act differently until my uncle begged me to stop and think about the future.’
‘The future of Kaimos Shipping?’
Kris nodded. ‘I thought so at the time, but now I believe he was more concerned about me. He knows all about loneliness and how it can consume you. You made such a difference to him today. Thank you.’
‘You don’t need to thank me. I enjoyed your uncle’s company as much as he seemed to enjoy mine, and I’m looking forward to seeing him again, whatever happens between us. He loves you very much, I do know that, and refers to you as his son. Our child will be his grandchild. I’ve promised him that.’
‘You’re a good woman. Is it any surprise that I want you to be my wife?’
‘Well, yes, it is, actually. You don’t seem to realise that the gulf between us is simply too wide.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean that I won’t come to you as an impoverished painter. My career is by no means certain. And I won’t marry someone who, by their own confession, isn’t even sure what love is.’
‘You can teach me,’ he said quietly.
‘I could try, but I can’t take the risk that I might fail when there’s a baby in the middle of our relationship. I think it’s better to remain apart, but to come together for anything that concerns our child.’
‘It’s lonely in our ivory towers,’ Kris commented with an ironic huff. ‘I don’t think either of us can be happy with the sort of relationship you propose.’