"Because law and order in real life is just like on the TV show."
"It's a fictional version based on reality. Which still means you can dig and strike truth." He waved the list of supplies. "That's why this is so long. I'm not saying it'll all work. But something in here will help. It must. And if all else fails? We have Matilda."
TWENTY
GABRIEL
Ghosts.
That was what Gabriel had found. He stood in the corner, his heart slamming against his ribs, the way it hadn't since he was a boy, in genuine terror for his life, fleeing one of Seanna's boyfriends after she blamed her son for money she'd stolen.
True fear. Visceral and real and almost enough to send him flying from the room. Shame, too, because these ghosts here weren't the sort who could whisper compulsions in his ear and make him kill himself. No, these ones whispered to his psyche and made him doubt himself, made him feel as if everything he'd accomplished was no more substantial than the dust in this room. Blown away with a breath, all his old fears exposed.
Where will I sleep?
What will I eat?
How will I live?
Will I live?
He was back in that room where he'd met the woman fifteen years ago. It was dark outside--it'd taken time to find the building, wandering through what he knew had to be the right neighborhood. Finally, he'd stopped trying to remember where it'd been and let his feet lead, and he'd wound up here.
The building was no longer abandoned but seemed under reconstruction, another desperate effort to revive it. Yet what Gabriel saw was the original, half-ruined room, and a boy with a backpack, the memory as sharp as one of Olivia's visions.
He watched the boy poking around. Calm. Determined. Resolute.
Seanna has left. Ah, well. It was bound to happen sooner or later. No time to feel sorry for myself. Push on. Make the best of it.
That's what he saw. Calm and fearless resolve. A child who had never been a child. Propelled into adulthood too fast and now pushed off the edge, sink or swim, and the look in his eyes said sinking was not an option.
That's what he remembered. It was not, however, how he felt, and being here, all the rest came rushing back. The fear. The terror. The panic that he could not do this, that however tough and self-reliant he thought he was, this went too far. Seanna may have been the worst possible mother, but she'd provided stability. A source of shelter and normalcy, allowing him to attend school and pretend he was just a regular kid with a mother who put dinner on the table every night.
Now she was gone, and he honestly thought he could carry on as he had? Go to school? Graduate? Get into college? Get into law school?
Gabriel watched himself poking around the room, trying to decide if it was a suitable shelter for the night, acting calm and steady while feeling utterly lost.
You will get there. You will.
The boy turned and looked at him. And then what?
The question startled Gabriel, and he pulled back.
No, really. And then what? I get the degree and the career. I get the fancy condo and the fancy car and the stocks and bonds and investments. And then what?
Security. That's what he would win. That's what Gabriel had always wanted. And he had it.
Great. Makes us happy, I see.
It made him secure. Comfortable. Comforted.
Eating fast food dinners by yourself. Awesome.
Was he implying Gabriel needed a lover? Gabriel snorted at the thought.
Never said a lover. Just someone to eat that dinner with. Those things we call friends. You had that with Olivia. Liked it. Fucked it up. Keep fucking it up. Can't help fucking it up because Seanna didn't let us have friends growing up. So we never learned how.
That was an excuse. Gabriel did not make excuses.