Cowboy was the first to move. For once he didn’t speak. I watched my best friend roll onto his elbows, looking down at Sia with an expression I hadn’t seen on his face before. That fucking look . . . it was the one I knew I wore when looking at her too.
She’d burrowed into us. Becoming a part of us, as we were to each other. There were no winks or stupid grins as he looked down at her. With his face bruised and full of healing cuts, he pushed back the hair from her face and leaned down. He kissed her. Fucking one kiss after the other, hand sliding into her hair. My heart fucking raced as I watched, Sia’s hand starting to move on my chest. Always connecting us, never one left out, a hand or a mouth always assuring the other we were all in this together.
Unable to stay away, I turned into her back and kissed the side of her neck. I closed my eyes and traveled down, avoiding her wound . . . avoiding the mockery that would stare back. Sia sobbed as my lips brushed her scarred skin. I smoothed my hand over any part my lips weren’t touching. “Perfect,” I whispered. Sia shuddered as the word escaped my lips.
I kissed up her spine until I reached her shoulder. Breaking from Aubin’s mouth, Sia turned her head, and I closed my lips around hers. She moaned into my mouth, her skin starting to heat. I felt Aubin taking down the straps of her nightgown. I moved as he brought the material off her body. Naked skin met mine. I lowered my hand and took off my own boxer briefs.
Sia rolled in my arms and looped her hands around my neck. I kissed her again, her fingertips running down my chest, making me fucking lose my damn breath. She took hold of my cock, her small hands stroking up and down. I groaned. I felt Cowboy kiss her neck and then move down her body. She gripped my neck tighter as Cowboy kissed down her spine. I looked down and saw Cowboy between her legs. I laid her on her back. Cowboy spread her wide and licked her. She clutched his hair as she let out a gasp.
I kissed along her neck, over her shoulder, and down until my tongue landed on her nipple. I teased and flicked, listening as her breath stuttered. I circled her nipple and moved my hand between her legs until I found her clit. She was hot and wet from Cowboy’s tongue. I circled her clit, covering her mouth as she cried out, back arching. I kissed her as she came, until she trembled in my arms.
My throat was tight at how much I fucking wanted this . . . needed this. How being here, like this, was fucking everything. But I couldn’t keep it. I pushed that thought from my head. It didn’t belong, right here, right now.
Cowboy kissed her thighs and continued upward. I broke from her mouth and moved south until I found myself between her legs. Sitting back on my haunches, I spread her open and ran my thumb over her clit. I groaned and leaned down, licking her pussy. My eyes closed as Sia bucked under me. I rolled my finger over her clit, and then pushed it inside her. Too sensitive from coming once already, Sia fell over the edge in minutes. She panted, stroking my head.
I sat back, my cock so hard that I needed to be in her. Cowboy gave me a condom, and I rolled it on. I climbed over Sia, her arms waiting for me. She ran her hand down my face and looked at Cowboy to whisper, “Both of you.”
The desperation in her eyes fucking destroyed me. She swallowed, and a tear fell from her eye. “Make me forget,” she demanded and then met our eyes in turn. “Make love to me.” The request carried more weight than ever before. I stilled, watching her face. A sorrowful smile pulled on her lips. She brought my fingers to her mouth and kissed them. “I love you,” she said and completely obliterated my heart. I forgot how to fucking breathe. Turning to Cowboy, she said, “I love you too.”
I crashed my mouth to hers. I took her tongue. Replaying her words over and over again . . . but a war broke out about how they made me feel. Desperation and regret fought for dominance. Before I could battle with the two, Cowboy lifted Sia on top of him. I kneeled behind her, taking her slim body in my arms. I kissed her neck, her cheek, and her mouth until her lips were swollen. Hand gently placed on her back, I lowered her down until Cowboy’s mouth was on hers. I stroked down her spine and slipped my finger between her legs. I moved through her wet pussy, and then moved my finger to her ass. Sia tensed. “We’ve got you, cher,” Cowboy whispered.
Cowboy reached into his drawer and handed me a bottle. I squeezed the lube into my hand and, kissing her neck, began to open her up with my finger. Cowboy played with her clit. Sia moaned, a long sigh slipping from her mouth. I added another finger, making sure she could take me.
When she was ready, I looked to Cowboy. Cowboy shifted, and I watched as he entered her pussy. He groaned. Sia tucked her head into the crook between his neck and shoulder. I stroked her back, wondering how the fuck I got so lucky to even have this one time with her. Before I could let myself think about anything else outside of this moment, I moved forward and started pushing into her ass. I gritted my teeth, shutting my eyes as I slipped inside. Sia cried out, her head snapping back. Cowboy turned her head slightly to the side so I could see her face. It was a picture that would be forever ingrained into my memory. Eyes fluttering closed, mouth slightly parted, cheeks flushed and back arched. “Älskling,” I whispered as I filled her to the hilt. I froze, Cowboy unmoving as I tipped my head back and just fucking felt.
I’d always had a fucking storm inside me. One that raged but never settled. I always needed to keep moving. Needed to get my mind away from thinking, because if I thought, everything became too fucking much and I couldn’t take it. But here, inside Sia, my hands on her body, the fucking storm calmed. The noises I couldn’t quiet in my head went silent. All I heard was her and me and Cowboy.
But I knew this quiet wouldn’t last.
It couldn’t. So I held onto it while I fucking had the chance.
Sia sighed, and I crawled forward, my chest flush to her back. I kissed her neck. “Älskling,” I murmured and started to move. I started slowly, moving Sia’s face until I could kiss her mouth. As her tongue rolled against mine, Cowboy moved his hips. Sia threw her head back and moaned. I braced my hands on either side of her, palms to the mattress. Cowboy held her face in his hands, watching every expression she made. His lips parted as he watched her, pure fucking adoration. I wished I could see her face too. As if he heard my thought, he tilted her head again until I could.
She was so fucking beautiful. Never seen a bitch so perfect.
I dropped my head against her neck as we moved faster. Sia alternated between kissing me and kissing Cowboy. I groaned, feeling every fucking part of this. We’d fucked bitches like this before, too many times to count. But nothing was like this. I closed my eyes, fucking letting myself savor this moment, blocking out all the dark ghosts that threatened to invade my head.
“Hush,” she murmured. “Cowboy.” Then obliterating me, she whispered, “Valan,” followed by “Aubin.”
Cowboy groaned as loud as I did as our real names fell from her lips. I worked my hips faster and faster, feeling that pressure starting to build in my legs. I pushed off Sia’s back, needing to go faster still. Cowboy guided Sia up, her back arching until she fell against my chest. I put one arm around her waist, the other around her chest. Sia’s head fell back on my shoulder. Cowboy’s hands were on her hips. His eyes were glazed, and I knew it wouldn’t be long before he came.
I rolled my hips faster, Sia’s mouth parting. One hand gripped mine, the other held Cowboy’s as his breathing became ragged. “I’m gonna come,” she whispered, her face contorting as she tensed then screamed out her release.
Cowboy growled low and came too. I worked Sia through it, then, dropping my head to her shoulder, came so hard my jaw ached from how tightly I clenched my teeth.
Sia breathed. Cowboy breathed. I breathed. Condensation dripped from the windows. Sia leaned back to kiss me. It was soft this time. I closed
my eyes, feeling everything, memorizing her taste, how her lips felt.
Then all too soon she broke away. She leaned down and kissed Cowboy. I moved back, removed the condom, and threw it away. I lay beside Sia, and she curled against my chest. I held her, feeling the after-effects of what just happened slipping away. I looked down, seeing my arm over hers. Seeing Cowboy’s over her waist. My stomach fell, knowing that I was a jigsaw piece that would never fit.
“I love you both so much,” Sia murmured, her voice dripping with sleep. My nostrils flared, and I had to work hard not to fucking break apart. I couldn’t say it back. I knew what was coming. If I said those words, I was never gonna do what I had to.
“Love you too, cher,” Cowboy said.
I paused, letting the unspoken words join theirs. I opened my mouth and whispered in Swedish, “I wish things were different.”
“That’s beautiful,” Sia said, closing her tired eyes. She wouldn’t have thought it was beautiful if she’d understood me. I felt Cowboy’s suspicious eyes on me.
“You good?” he asked.
I nodded and closed my eyes too.
When two sets of breathing had evened out, the late-afternoon sun blocked out by the heavy curtains, I silently slid from the bed, went to my room, and dressed. I opened the drawer of my side table and stared at the old picture inside. The outside edge was burned. I brought it to my nose, smelling that night as if I were standing on the grass, an inferno around me.
I looked at the picture and ran my hand over the two people it showed. “It would never work,” I whispered, and saw a teardrop fall onto the smiling couple. A teardrop that wasn’t strong enough to extinguish the fire. A perfect couple the world didn’t want in it.
I put the picture in my pocket. My meds stared back at me from the drawer. I wouldn’t need them where I was going. I shut the drawer and threw on my leather jacket. I walked to Cowboy’s room and looked inside. I stood in the doorway and looked at the couple on the bed. Both light-skinned, both blond. Both blue-eyed, both perfect for the other . . . both people who belonged, who wouldn’t get spat at in the street for simply holding hands.