Chapter Ten
Lexi
One month later…
Dear Daisy,
Weight: 96lbs
Calories: 1500
I saw myself on TV today, cheering for the Tide.
I couldn’t believe it was me.
When I look in the mirror, I see the flaws in the girl looking back. But seeing myself on screen had me almost recoiling in disgust. I looked so big, Daisy, too big. And I can’t get the image out of my mind.
I need to be more toned.
I need to just cut back on food… just for a while… just so I look good on the field. I’ve lost a couple of pounds, but it’s still not enough.
I counted my ribs today. I could only count six. It’s all I can focus on. I can’t purge it from my mind.
Six. Six. Six.
And worse, Ally hugged me today, and I swear she thought I felt fat. It’s like I can’t bear people touching me anymore. The hugs will have to stop or I’m going to lose my mind. No one can touch me until I’ve lost more weight.
I’m still successfully playing my role of the fun-loving friend. None of my friends are suspicious. My secret’s still safe.
Just a few pounds, Daisy, and then everything will be all right.
“And do you think of Daisy much?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block out the pain of my best friend’s death.
“Lexi. Answer the question,” Dr. Lund pushed.
Nodding my head, I replied, “Yes. I think of her all the time.”
“And what do you think of?” I could hear Dr. Lund scribbling on his clipboard, making notes on what I had to say.
“I think of how she would always smile despite the fact that she was dying inside. I think of how whenever I was down, she was there for me to talk to… to pick me back up.” Tears welled in my eyes and I said, “And I think about her final minutes as she held my hand and quietly slipped away, but not before begging me to not succumb to the disorder too. To not… die too.”
“Do you ever envy how thin she got?”
Every part of me tensed, and I kept my gaze on the floor. “Yes…” I whispered. “I envy that she reached perfection. She hit her ideal weight.”
Dr. Lund put his clipboard on the desk beside him and leaned forward, his hands in a steeple clasp. “Lexi. Do you understand that her severe weight loss was what killed her? That her heart failed under the strain?”
“Yes, I understand that. But you asked me if I envied how thin she got. And I do. I envy her final weight.”
“Have you been having any unhealthy thoughts about your weight of late? Anything we should discuss?”
I shook my head and began picking at my nails. “No. I’ve been good.”
Now, Lexington, you are lying. And to your doctor, no less. You know you are allowing me in more. You are giving me control. What is it you have lost in the last few weeks? A couple of pounds? I am here with you as you stand on the scale, rejoicing at your achievement. All you have to do is give me the reins… Give me the control… You can be like her…
My fingers began to ache, and when I looked down, they were gripping the arms of my chair. My knuckles were white with tension.
Lexington, give me control… Lexington, let me in… Lexington, just a few pounds more…
“Lexi?” a deep voice sounded beside me, pulling me back to reality.
I followed the sound of the voice and my stomach immediately dropped. “Dr. Lund,” I said, remembering where I was: counseling.
“You’ve lost some weight,” Dr. Lund said directly. “You are losing concentration more, and I’m beginning to worry.”
“I don’t think—”
“It’s very noticeable, Lexi. You’re slight to begin with. A few pounds of weight loss is extremely noticeable on your petite frame.”
My head instinctively ducked, and I couldn’t meet his eyes. “It’s just because I’ve been so busy, I swear.”
Yes, Lexington, keep him from the truth. Keep him from knowing you have started to cut back on calories because you think you are too fat in your cheerleading uniform. That thinking of Daisy at her goal weight is driving you there too. And you are right. You are looking fat. It is merely a couple of pounds that you have lost. A couple of pounds are nothing. Maybe you should lose a few more, just to be sure… to be absolutely sure…
“Lexi, our time is up, but I expect you at group this week, yes?” I nodded my head. “I think we need to discuss the cheerleading. You know it is your primary trigger. Maybe it is too much, right now. I was never fully convinced you were ready to take that step again the first place.”
I nodded without replying and moved from my seat and practically ran outside the room, pausing to hit my back against the wall.
I knew cheerleading was my trigger, and I was getting more concerned that I looked fat on the field.
The voice is right, isn’t it? And Dr. Lund doesn’t know everything, does he? I’ll be fine losing just a few more pounds, just to be sure I don’t look too big on camera. After all, the camera adds ten pounds, so I’ll just be making up for that, balancing out. I can stop after ten pounds. It’ll be easy. I’m stronger this time. I’ll be able to stop just fine. It won’t spiral out of control. It’ll make me feel that much healthier with some weight gone. That much more confident.
It’ll be easy.
Yes, Lexington, yes. Let me guide you to perfection. I can make it so easy for you…