I nod, wanting to throw up.
“And what exactly did you turn her into?”
“Don’t you think you’ve had enough punishment for the day?”
“Don’t pretend you give a damn. Tell me. ”
He sighs. “The kids were Uriel’s pet project. Sometimes, I think he just likes playing God—something people used to accuse me of doing a lifetime ago. He wanted the kids to look like something he couldn’t even describe. Said he’d never seen the things that he wanted the kids to mimic but that no one who mattered had. ”
I’m scared to ask but I do anyway. “What did he want them to be?”
“Abominations. They were to look like unnatural children who ate people. They were to roam the earth and terrorize the population as part of the angels’ endless political machinations. ”
So he could pass them off as nephilim and blame Raffe for not doing his job. So he could ruin his competitor’s reputation and win the election for Messenger.
“You purposely made kids into abominations?”
He sighs, like he never expected me to understand. “The human race is about to come to an end and I, for one, am scared out of my skull. Unless we can figure out a way to stop it, this is it for us. ”
He sweeps out his arm as if inviting me to look around at the scorpion factory. “I’m in a very special place to make a difference, to help figure out a way to stop it. I have access to their facilities and knowledge. I have their trust and a small degree of freedom to work under their noses. ”
He leans back against the wall as if he’s tired. “But the only way I can help the human race is if I do what they tell me to do. Even if it’s horrific. Even if it’s goddamn soul-shredding. ”
Doc pushes off from the wall and paces the office. “I’d do anything not to be that guy who has to make choices that haunt him night after night. But here I am. It’s me and no one else. Do you understand?”
What I understand is that he chopped up my baby sister and turned her into an “abomination. ” “And just how are you helping the human race?”
He looks at his shoes. “I’ve tried a few experiments that I kept secret from the angels. Stole some angel science, or magic, or whatever you want to call it, and implemented it here and there. They’d kill me if they knew. But all I have so far are tantalizing possibilities. No confirmed successes yet. ”
I’m not interested in making this butcher of children feel good about his job. But accusing him won’t get me answers.
“Why did you make my sister move like a machine?”
“What do you mean?”
“She sits with her back straight, moves stiffly with every motion, turns her head as if her neck doesn’t work the same any more, you know—like a machine. ” Except when she’s attacking, of course.
He looks at me as if I’ve lost it. “The girl has been cut and stitched everywhere like a quilted doll. And you have to ask why she moves stiffly?” The guy who did that to her looks down at me like I’m the insensitive person.
“She’s in pain. ” He says it like he’s saying Duh. “Just because she’s fully functional doesn’t mean she’s not suffering from excruciating, soul-shattering pain. Imagine being cut up everywhere, having your muscles ripped out and replaced, stitched up, every fiber of your body altered. Now imagine that no one gives
you painkillers. That’s what it’s like for her. I guess I can safely assume that you didn’t even give her aspirin?”
It’s like he’s punching me in the lungs.
“If that never occurred to you, then it’s no surprise she left, is it?”
I can’t even think about what it must be like for her without feeling like I’m breaking.
I even offered Raffe aspirin when he was unconscious before I ever got to know him. I offered the enemy pain relief but never considered it for my own sister. Why?
Because she looked like a monster, that’s why. And it never occurred to me that monsters might feel pain.
“Do you have any guesses as to where she might be?” Hearing the tremble in my own voice sucks out my confidence.
He glances at the dark TV. “She’s not here. I would have heard about it by now. But if you’re right and she was here even briefly, then she’s looking for something. Or someone. ”
“Who? She’s already come to me and Mom. We’re all she has in the world. ”
“Beliel,” says Doc with certainty. “He’s the only one who would understand. The only one who would accept her and not judge her. ”
“What are you talking about? He’s the last one she’d run to. ”
He shrugs. “He’s a monster. She’s a monster. Who else is going to accept her without considering her a freak, much less understand what she’s going through?”
“We…” The words shrivel in my mouth.
The thought of Paige turning to Beliel astounds me.
But if it had been Paige and Beliel together at the Resistance camp, wouldn’t people have tried to corral them both as a monster team? As if they belonged together and not with the rest of us humans?
“She might even have a touch of Stockholm syndrome. ”
I don’t like the sound of that. “What’s that?”
“It’s where a kidnapping victim forms an attachment to the kidnapper. ”
I stare at him, dumbfounded.
“It’s not common but it can happen. ”
I grab the back of the chair and sit down shakily like an old woman. The thought of little Paige feeling like she has no one to turn to but a nightmare like Beliel breaks me in a way that the end of the world couldn’t.
“Beliel,” I say breathlessly. I shut my eyes and will myself not to let the tears out. “Do you know where he is?” My own words stab me.
“He should be at the new aerie by now. Something big is going on there, and Beliel has a job to do for the archangel. ”
“What job?”