I sucked in a deep breath and made eye contact with Z who tipped his chin up at me, lending me his strength so I could go on.
“I, well, I want to read you one of those poems now because there is no more poignant way to express exactly how I feel having to say goodbye to the man who made my existence a life worth living.
No Goodbye
* * *
You never said goodbye
And you always did before
At the door to our house before
Work with a kiss I felt in my toes.
* * *
You never said goodbye
And you promised me you would
When the day came that we went
To sleep holding hands
Knowing
That we would not wake up again.
* * *
You never said goodbye
And now I can’t help feeling
That this isn’t a goodbye for good.
* * *
That one day when I am sitting in the kitchen
You will come in carrying apples and tell me to
Bake you a pie like I did that very first day
We were in love
I’ll have flour in my hair and juice on my cheek
That you’ll lick off with laughing lips
And everything will have been
As it was before
When you were still here.”
* * *
I looked up at the crowd, but there were tears so thick in my eyes they obscured my vision like funhouse mirrors. Taking a deep breath, I dashed the back of my hand over my eyes and blinked to clear my sight.
I needed to see them as I said this last goodbye. I needed witnesses to bear the weight of the sorrow in my bones as I stepped away from the podium and walked to the edge of the grave where King’s chrome casket sat inside the earth.
I collected one of the coins in the basket on a table beside me and flipped it between my fingers as I stared down at the empty casket and wished, just for a moment, that I would be buried there too.
“‘The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell or a hell of heaven,”” I quoted from Paradise Lost. “But it was you who made this place a heaven on earth, and it will never be the same now that you’ve fallen.”
I tossed the coin into the pit, watched as it tumbled over the smooth surface and then fell into the dark soil.
Lou and Harleigh Rose were beside me in the next instant, wrapping their arms around me as they collected their own coins and prepared to drop them in.
“You were king of my heart long before you were anyone else’s,” H.R. whispered as she white-knuckled the coin and stared with unseeing eyes into the pitted earth. “You kept me safe even when I didn’t want to let you. Love you, big bro.”
Lou leaned into my side heavily as she breathed deeply through her pretty tears. “This is the second man I love who I’ve put in this earth…my only consolation is that now they’re together.”
She tossed the coin in and then pressed a kiss to my head before going to Z, who stood off to the side looking hollow and dazed with grief.
One by one, the brothers stepped up to toss their own coins and say words about their fallen brother. Then family went. Lila cried so hard Nova had to step forward to take her under his arm and usher her away from the grave, and Bea held her mother’s hand so tightly, it was a wonder she didn’t break bones.
I watched them and their grief gather like a great wave off in the distance, and as more and more people emptied their sorrow into the grave, I felt it loom over me, threatening to consume me.
“You’re stronger than you know,” Sander told me, somehow sensing I was about to break.
“We’re almost there, Queenie,” Wrath said, stepping close so his hulking shoulder pressed into my side. “Give it a few more minutes and then it will all stop.”
God, but I wanted it to stop.
Witnessing how many people loved my man was not soothing. It was like a thousand javelins all impaled through my chest, fixing me to this spot even as I bled out all over my feet.
Slowly, finally, the ceremony was over, and Zeus stepped up to invite everyone back to the clubhouse for the reception.
I didn’t move, and no one made me. A few of the brothers rounded out the circle of loved ones barring me from well-wishers, and they finally all dissipated. Only then did the club leave, each brother touching me in some way, trying to fill the emptiness in me with their love.
“Gotta say it,” Buck grunted as he clamped a meaty hand over my shoulder and dipped his head down to look me in the face. “We had a bad go of it the past few months with Z locked up, butted heads ’cause I’m an old dog not likin’ new tricks…but fuck me, Cress, I loved that kid like he was my own. You gotta know how sorry I am that he might’a died not knowin’ that.”