They were eyes I had stared into for the majority of my life and her gaze was the one I had grown up looking to for guidance, support and redemption. So, I think a large part of me was expecting to see the acceptance that I had always found there even though I knew what I had done was at least mildly despicable.
Only, there was no acceptance there.
No, Mama’s eyes were filled to the brim with disappointment and condemnation.
“Have you told your sister?”
The urge to weep clutched me by the throat and held me captive for a minute before I was able to nod.
“I should go to her,” she said.
A noise of complete distress, something like a dog’s yelp, leapt from my lips before I could slap a hand over my mouth. I knew she was right. Elena deserved Mama’s time and attention right then more than me. Yet, Mama’s pure dismissal of my admission and obvious guilt hit me like a freight train on repeat. I struggled not to hyperventilate; I didn’t want Mama to take pity on me for medical reasons when she was clearly as disgusted with me as I was by myself.
“I understand,” I said.
Mama’s eyes narrowed. I sat still, my posture straight and strong despite my innards caving in on themselves. I remembered Sinclair’s advice about holding strong, remembering that I had made a choice, a premeditated decision to serve the greater happiness of two people, not just myself. It was horrifyingly easy to picture Sinclair five years from then with Elena, his soul subdued and his work his true mistress.
He belonged with me.
I tilted my chin higher and said, “I’m willing to accept your judgment, Mama. I’m even willing to accept that for, at least a little while, you might not want to see me.” I couldn’t help the tears that began to race scalding hot down my cheeks but I didn’t let my voice wobble. “I can almost bear the thought of not seeing you and the twins at Christmas and birthdays and for our weekly lunches even though I’ll be miserable without you. But what I could not ever bear, what I will never again even entertain, is the thought of being without Daniel Sinclair. He’s it for me and if he is the only family I have now, I can deal with it, if I have to.”
She stared at me still, for an eternity. At one point, I began to tremble because my body was physically incapable of maintaining its structure under the crushing weight of her scrutiny.
“I am glad for that, bambina,” she said softly, “because as you say, for a little bit at least, I will not see you.”
My lips rolled under my teeth to lock in my scream.
“I do not mean to punish you for finding love. Love…” she sighed heavily, “I know what a person will do for it and I will never say the consequences are not worth the love. But, Giselle, there will be consequences and losing me like this is one of them. I cannot speak for the twins,” her face crumpled as she thought about Cosima, slowly recovering in the hospital, “but I have a feeling they will feel the same.”
I nodded as I slipped off the chair, glad that I hadn’t taken off my coat. She was reacting properly, she was right and I was wrong. I let those words repeat in my mind, finding the words and assembling them so that I grew numb to them.
“Thank you for listening to me,” I murmured, ducking my head as I turned to leave.
I had to get out of there before I imploded.
“Stammi bene, bambina,” she said as I pushed through the swinging door.
Happily, they swung shut before I started sobbing.
I felt mildly better when I was out in the street, absorb by the myriad of New Yorkers with better things to do than observe my pity party. Even though I had never in my life felt so utterly devastated, so unbearably raw, I also felt a profound sense of relief. I was glad that I had put myself through the ordeal of Elena and Mama in one day. I couldn’t imagine how long it would take for me to digest this grief, but at least the accusations closest to my heart had been dealt with. Now, I only had to worry about the judgment of my siblings, who I truly believed might be vaguely supportive, and New York as a whole. Daniel Sinclair was a vital part of its high society and I fully expected them to lend their voice to the criticism laid at our doorstep. The thought of more was frankly harrowing and for a while there, as I wandered aimlessly around the city, I seriously wondered if I would have a nervous break down.