Mine comes right in behind hers. It’s going to be a big one since it’s been a while. I rise and grab her hips, bringing her down hard as I thrust deep. I hold her in place as I spasm, completely emptying myself.
When it’s over, I move my hands to her waist and press my head to her chest. “I missed you terribly, lass.”
“I missed you too. I’m very happy to have you back.” She places her hands on my face and forces me to look at her. “Never do that to me again. Ever.”
“I’ll do my best, Bonny.” But I’m Fellowship. She knows this. I can make no promises.
She’s still holding my face. “Say it with me.”
I know what she’s talking about. Together we say the words. “Into me … you see.”
She sighs and puts her arms around my shoulders. I wince when she forgets about my injury and squeezes too hard. “Oh, I’m sorry. You should lie back down.”
She’s avoiding my shoulder. “I will if you’ll swap sides with me. You’re distancing yourself because of my injury.” I crave her nearness. We’ve been too far apart this week.
She lies with her head on my uninjured shoulder while I rub her upper arm. We stay like that for a while, quiet, simply enjoying the gift of being together.
With silence comes thought, and my mind wanders back to the first night we were together. Bleu has never explained her infertility issues. She only said it was something I’d care nothing about. I didn’t at the time. I was too busy being happy about it to question her, but things are different now.
Anyone knows healthy young women aren’t routinely checked by their doctors for infertility unless they’ve tried to conceive and couldn’t. Bleu came to me a virgin, so that clearly isn’t the case. “How do you know you can’t get pregnant?”
She doesn’t answer right away. “I never said I couldn’t get pregnant.”
I sit up abruptly because I want her to look me in the face when she explains this one. “You told me you couldn’t get pregnant.”
“That may be what you heard, but that’s not what I said.”
“Then please, clarify.”
“I said you shouldn’t worry about getting me pregnant. There’s a difference.”
“We’ve been having unprotected sex because I believed you were infertile.”
“I’ve had severe polycystic ovarian syndrome since I was seventeen. I lost an ovary when I was twenty and the remaining one is nonfunctional. My doctors tell me I’ll likely lose it within the next couple of years, so in vitro is the only chance I have at becoming pregnant.”
I’m no reproductive specialist but I understand the basics. “If you don’t have ovaries, how can they do in vitro?”
“I did a retrieval procedure two years ago in case I ever wanted to have babies. My eggs are frozen until I choose to use them.”
She wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t want children. “You want babies.” I don’t know why I’m surprised by this revelation.
“I do, very much, but only if the circumstances are right. Don’t you?”
“I’ve never allowed myself to think of what I might want because I’ve always known what was expected—enter into a Fellowship-approved marriage and breed the next leader. That is what has been drilled into me for as long as I can remember.”
“That’s a bleak plight.” She couldn’t be more right.
“If my wife doesn’t hate me from the start, she’ll grow to once I take our son from her and rear him to lead The Fellowship.” That’s what happened between my mum and father.
“What would happen if you didn’t choose a wife from within your circle?” she asks.
“The Fellowship would never accept that.”
“Would they rally against you, their future leader?”
“They’d see my wife as a loose end. That’s something they wouldn’t tolerate.”
“Would they kill her? Or you for choosing to bring her in?”
“The Fellowship has a strict code for dealing with acts against the brotherhood. It’s called penance.”
“Which includes …?”
“Bleu. You’re highly accepting of this life, although you aren’t from this world. I love that about you, but I don’t really want to discuss penance. It isn’t a pleasant thing.”
“I want to know.”
She’s already up to her eyeballs in The Fellowship. “We have a secret location called a black site. Only a few brothers know its location. It’s where many things take place—penance, initiation, the occasional torture or … It’s not a place you want to be taken. If you find yourself there, you need to get out fast.”
“Is that where you took those men you killed the night I was attacked?”
“We aren’t going to talk about that.”
“You never told me what you did to them.” I’m not sure Bleu could ever look at me the same if she knew.
“And I won’t now, either.”
“Why not?”
“Once you learn certain things, there’s an invisible line you cross where there’s no return. There are dark things that will keep your heart from ever seeing the light again. I don’t want that for you.” And that’s why I’ll never allow her to be tainted by the ways of The Fellowship.
Chapter Nineteen
Bleu MacAllister
The drapes are closed but sunlight peeks into the room through a tiny gap in the fabric. I’ve been in Scotland for months and I’m still not accustomed to the long daylight hours. My mind and body remain confused by the short nights.
I reach for Sin but he isn’t by my side. I’m sure he’s in his office working. That’s all he’s done the past two weeks since discharge from the hospital—playing catch-up.
Against doctor’s orders, Sin only took a few days off before returning to his duties at the firm. I’m not at all surprised. He has little to no concern for his health since he thinks he’s invincible. His worry always lies with the well-being of The Fellowship. And me.
I’m certain Sin has come to care for me very much. Our relationship won’t sit well with the brotherhood. It’s possible it won’t be tolerated. That could mean big trouble for me. The rational side of my brain tells me I’m being foolish by playing with a fire I can’t extinguish. If I were smart, I would end this, kill Thane, and get out before I’m discovered.
But I’m not smart. I’m in love.
I move to sit on the edge of the bed and stretch. I plant my feet on the floor and hear a sound I could never mistake—the music of a violin. I fetch my robe from the chair and slip it on as I go toward Sin’s office to discover who the musician is.
I stop in the doorway to admire Sin’s playing. It’s as though he’s making love to the instrument while playing Canon in D Major. I watch him drag the bow and I’m almost jealous of the loving manner in which he regards his instrument.
How could I not know he was a violinist? I love learning new things about him but this is another blunder on my part. I should have at least noticed calluses on his fingers.
His playing ceases when he catches sight of me and I’m left with wanting to hear more. “Please … don’t stop. You play beautifully.”
I move to sit on his desk and he grins before resuming the tune. I close my eyes, savoring every beautiful note until he reaches the end. When he finishes, he leans forward and places a soft kiss against my temple. “Did I wake you?”
“No. I was already awake when I heard you.”
“I haven’t played in a long time. I’m not really sure why I decided to just now.” Okay. Maybe that’s why it never popped up in my research. And he wouldn’t have calluses if he hasn’t played in a while.
I lift my brows and hold out my hands. “May I?”
He shrugs. “Sure.”
He comes to stand behind me and places the lower bout over my collarbone. “Put your jaw here, against the chin rest.” He takes my hand and wraps it around the neck. “Comfortable?”
I allow him to position the violin as though I’ve never hel
d one. “Yes.”
“Keep your wrist rounded. Don’t rest it on the neck,” he instructs.
“Okay.”
He places my fingers where he wants them and then holds the bow for me to take. “Want to try?”
“Sure.”
He steps away and I move my fingers to the place I prefer and stroke the bow across the strings. He leans against his desk and watches as I play the intro to my favorite song. “My choice in music is a little different from yours.”
“I see that.” He’s surprised I play—perhaps even a little impressed. “I don’t know the song but I can see you play quite well.”
“It’s called “Black Orchid” by Blue October.” This is a song I’ve played no less than a thousand times, mostly when I’ve been in a dark place I couldn’t escape. The lyrics are about deep depression but oddly, it brings me comfort.
I’ve allowed myself few things in life that had nothing to do with my plan to end Thane, but my love for catching still images through photography and the joy of playing my violin take the top two spots. Each has allowed me to decompress and express my feelings in ways no one could possibly understand.