Endurance (The Sin Trilogy 4)
“I deserve better.”
“You deserve the best.” My chest tightens when Jamie repeats the words my father spent years instilling in me.
“You think sneaking around with you behind the backs of the brothers is what I deserve?” I want Jamie but not that way.
“It’s all I’m able to give you right now.”
“But I want more.”
I want his body, but more than that I want his love. I want his forever. My feelings are stronger than ever so what happens when our time together ends and I can’t give him up?
A month with the man I love versus never knowing what it feels like to have him inside me. Never knowing what it feels like to wake with him beside me. Never knowing what it feels like to have him hold me while I fall asleep. It should be a no-brainer . . . except I know me. I’ll fall so deeply in love with him that letting go will wreck me.
“A month together and then we part ways? It’s just not that simple.” It would be excruciating to mourn the loss of him in my life.
“You won’t question how hard you’ve been loved when I’m done.”
When I’m done. I hate those words so much. “Don’t you see? That’s the thing. I don’t want to be done and a month together is only going to solidify that for me.”
“I don’t want to be done either. If I could give you the kind of protection you’ll need, I would claim you today and give you my forever. But I can’t do that, Ellison. It isn’t what’s best for you. And I’d rather not have you than place you in danger because I’m selfish and want you for myself.”
“I shouldn’t be forced to decide between a month or never with you. It’s not fair.”
“I know. But you are who you are. I am who I am. Neither of us can be changed. I’ve given my life to The Fellowship. I’m committed to serving my brothers as a physician. My contribution. It isn’t possible to go back on my vow.”
I can’t make this decision right now. I need to think about the consequences of saying yes. “When do you need my answer?”
“Soon. I’ll have some backtracking to do with Sin if you decide against it.”
“Backtracking?”
“One of The Fellowship women entered nursing school a year ago so she could become my assistant. I told Sin her motive wasn’t to help the brotherhood or me. I convinced him she was becoming a nurse to get close to me so I’d claim her.”
The thought of Jamie claiming another woman makes me feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. Twice. “Is that true? Is she doing it because she wants you?”
He shrugs. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
I hate the thought of another woman getting close to Jamie. Despise it. “Would you claim this woman? Marry her?”
“You already know I’m not in a position to do either of those things right now.”
Right now doesn’t mean he won’t one day. “Would she live with you at the infirmary?”
“I haven’t given it a bit of thought. Spending the next month with you has been the only thing on my mind.”
She’ll live there. I know it.
I don’t want another woman living with him. But what say do I have if we aren’t together? None. Jamie can take in any woman he likes.
“Don’t think about her. Concentrate on us and focus on how good we’ll be together. How good the next month will be.”
A part of me wants to tell him he’s a selfish dickhead for asking this of me. But then there’s another part that understands exactly what he wants . . . because it’s what I want too.
“Can I have until tomorrow night?”
“Aye. I can cover with Sin until you decide. Until then, would you be willing to take a look at the properties with me tomorrow with the real estate agent? We’ll probably need some ideas on how each might or might not work for what we’ll need.”
What we’ll need. He’s so damn confident I’ll say yes to this proposal. I want to.
“Sure. What time?”
“Appointment is at 11:00. Could you be ready to go at 10:30?”
“Yeah.”
“All right. I understand this is a big decision. It’ll require a bit of consideration, so I’ll go and leave you with your thoughts.”
I follow Jamie to the door, maybe hoping he’ll offer a sample of what’s to come if I accept his proposal.
His hand goes for the doorknob but then retreats. “I think you could use a bit of friendly persuasion.”
I don’t have time to respond before my back is pressed firmly against the wall. I think he likes doing this—trapping me so I can’t escape his embrace.
His mouth comes down on mine forcefully as his hands move to grip my hips. The tips of his fingers dig into the flesh of my skin, almost painfully, through my yoga pants. He’s so aggressive. God, he would be a beast in bed.
My arms wrap around his shoulders as one of his hands glides around to grasp my ass and pull my leg upward so it’s wrapped around his waist. He dry humps me, grinding his hard cock against my crotch, as his mouth leaves mine to travel down my neck. “I’ll make it so good for you, Ellison. You won’t regret our time together. I swear.”
And that’s the problem. I know he’ll make it good for me, and it’ll possibly be the happiest time of my life. I’d get a taste of the life I could have with Jamie . . . and then it would be over. We wouldn’t have a choice. When it’s over, it’s over.
But, I crave him. Emotionally, physically . . . I want so badly to blurt out that I’ll do it. So tempting. But I don’t.
This man will consume me.
Burn me.
Destroy me.
And what’s worse, I may let him.
“Don’t even think about trying to stop me.” I blow past Blare and Kyle—my sister’s armed guards—and barge into Sin and Bleu’s house.
“Hey! What the hell is so important that you can’t take one of the fifty calls I’ve made to you in the last two hours?”
Bleu is sitting in Sin’s recliner rocking her daughter. “Shh. Not so loud.”
I’m an adult. I hate being told to quieten down but I’ll do it for my niece. “You knew I’d want to talk to you when Sin called to tell me Jamie was coming over. You left me hanging, Bleu.”
“I’m sorry. Lourdes rolled off our bed right after he called you. I’ve been too upset to do anything but hold her.”
It’s only now that I notice Bleu’s eyes are red and swollen. I feel sort of bad for all the names I called my sister on the way over here.
“Ohh. Is Peanut okay?”
“She seems to be all right. Thank God she fell on the rug. That cushioned her fall a little instead of hitting the hardwood. I only took my eyes off her for a few seconds but I feel like a horrible mother. I let my little baby get hurt.”
“Good grief, Bleu. Kids roll off beds and couches. It won’t be the last time one of them takes a tumble.” I hate to break it to her but those twin boys are going to be into some shit all the time. I could tell her some stories from my days in the ER but I won’t. She’d freak out.
“I know accidents happen but I’m her mother. I’m supposed to keep her safe.”
“You do. Every day.” I’m sure all mothers would like to keep their kids from getting bumps and bruises but it isn’t possible. Kids are kids.
Bleu kisses the top of Lour’s head. “I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to her or the boys.”
Bleu is normally so composed—even when the babies would have me pulling out my hair—but I can see that my sister is shaken. “Don’t worry. Nothing is going to happen to her, or Liam, or Harrison.”
“It’s this damn takeover. It has me on edge about every little thing in my life.” Bleu holds Lourdes’s tiny little hand, stroking her thumb over the top. “I can’t stop worrying about Sin and everything that could go wrong.”
Bleu has every right to be concerned. Sin is high risk for being targeted by The Order but as her sister, it’s my job to reassure her, not validate her fears. “Your anxiety is comple
tely understandable but you know what? Sin was born and raised Fellowship. He’s been taught from birth how to handle this. Not his first rodeo.”
“I know. My husband is the ultimate badass but that doesn’t stop me from worrying about him.”
“Oh my God, Bleu. You sounded exactly like Mom just now.”
“Really?” Mom wasn’t Bleu’s biological mother but they were alike in so many ways. Sometimes more so than Mom and me.
“Absolutely. Don’t you remember she used to say the same thing about Dad when he was undercover?”
“You’re right. She did call him the ultimate badass, didn’t she? I can’t believe I forgot that.”
Mom had her badass.
Bleu has her badass.