Beyond His Control (His 2)

“You don’t look fine,” she says.

I sit down on the toilet and rub my belly again as it’s cramping a little.

Her eyes narrow as she gazes at me, and then they suddenly widen. “Are you … pregnant?”

My lips part, but I’m at a loss of words.

I hadn’t thought about it since I last held that stick in my hand.

I nod slowly, completely taken aback by my own ability to ban things to the back of my head just so I don’t have to deal with them anymore.

But it’s real, and it’s here.

A baby is coming.

And Noah has probably found the stick by now.

Chapter 4

Natalie

“Oh, Natalie, I’m so happy for you!” Emmy gives me a big hug.

“What? No,” I say, and I push her away. “Don’t.”

She frowns. “What? Be happy? Aren’t you?”

I look away. “I …”

How am I supposed to answer that? I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel. There’s a baby in my belly, but it’s Noah’s, and there’s so much twisted history behind this baby’s conception that I don’t know if I could ever be happy with it. But I can’t tell Emmy that because she’d never understand.

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” I walk off and start prepping the pull-out sofa.

“Is this why you wanted to escape the community?” she asks.

“No, yes, maybe,” I say, shaking my head. “All of it.”

“But that baby was made out of love, right?”

Staring at her, I breathe out a sigh because I don’t even know what to say to that. “I already told you I come from this world, that we have choices here.”

Her brows rise. “So you can choose not to be pregnant here?”

I make a face. “Well … it is an option, yes.”

She grimaces, and I turn away to continue making her bed.

“There.” I pat it down. “You can sleep here tonight.”

“And where will you sleep?” she asks.

“In my bed, in the other room,” I say, pointing at the door. “I don’t share, sorry.”

She smiles. “It’s fine, thank you. I’m just glad I have a place to stay.”

Talking with her like everything is normal is so weird. “You don’t have to thank me for everything.”

“Right.” She blushes and then yawns.

“We’re both tired. Let’s just rest up and see what tomorrow brings, okay?” I say, and I go into my room. “Good night.”

As I close the door behind me, I pause and lean against the wood. I can’t stop thinking about what she said about being happy for a pregnancy. My hand reaches for my belly, but this time it’s not out of concern … it’s out of fear.

Something is growing inside me, and I don’t know if I can face that.

I already had a baby once.

My baby died.

How could I ever feel happy about that?

How could I ever love a baby made in a community such as hers?

How could I ever want a baby born in fear?

I shiver as tears run down my cheeks, and I sink to the floor, burying my own guilt and shame until I no longer feel a thing.

By the time morning comes, I have barely slept even though the bed felt amazing. I couldn’t stop thinking about the baby, and how I can’t even be alone while making the toughest decisions of my life.

Emmy is like a constant shadow, following me around wherever I go. She’s like an everlasting memory of the Family and what they did to me. Maybe it would help if I’d let her experience more of our world. She might feel like less of a threat to me then. I know it makes no sense, but at least things would be a little bit more normal, even if only in a weird way.

I get out of bed, and the minute I step out of the room, there she is, all dressed and ready.

“Geez, you scared me,” I say, clutching my chest.

“Sorry. I’m used to getting up on time,” she says.

“You don’t have to do that here,” I say. “At least not until you have a job.”

“Job?”

“It’s where you work for money,” I explain. “Like the Clothing Creation Hut, only now you get money for what you do.”

Her brows furrow. “Money?”

I roll my eyes. “This.” I grab the stack of cash lying on the table and show it to her. “This is what you get when you work, and you buy stuff with it.”

“Oh … interesting. What can you buy?”

I sigh. “Guess I’m going to have to show and explain literally everything to you, won’t I?” When she doesn’t answer, I add, “C’mon. Let’s go.”

Noah

At the Prayers, I sit in my chair and wait until President Lawrence is finished talking. It’s tiring having to sit through this without my Wife accompanying me, especially when there are so many happy girls all standing in a line to be Blessed for marriage to the man who claimed them.