Beyond His Control (His 2)

“So there are no people stuck inside?”

“No,” I say, covering my mouth to stop more laughter from spilling out. “It’s not a tiny suffering hut.”

“Oh …” She breathes a sigh of relief. “Good. I was starting to worry.”

“Did they ever put you in there?” I ask.

She shakes her head. “A friend of mine did, though. She got kissed by a boy who wasn’t her husband. She said they slapped her with a stick, and it was the worst experience ever.”

I nod. “Sounds about what I experienced.”

“I’m sorry they put you through that,” Emmy says, clearing her throat.

I lick my lips, and say, “Don’t apologize. It wasn’t your fault.”

“But it was,” she says, approaching me. “They put you there because I pushed you to your limit and made you hit me. It’s not fair.” She grabs my arm. “I wish I’d understood it back then. That I knew about this place. This … vast world.” Her eyes sparkle with joy.

It’s hard not to smile. “Now you know,” I say. “And there’s so much more for you to see.”

She smiles from ear to ear now. “I want to see it all.” She walks to the window and slides the curtains aside. “It’s so beautiful here, and there are so many lights everywhere.”

She continues staring out the window while I grab a glass from the cupboard and pour myself some water. After coming all this way, I’m thirsty as hell, and I’m pretty sure whatever’s still in the fridge has wasted away.

Maybe I’ll do some shopping with Emmy tomorrow. She might enjoy that.

We only have a few more bucks left, though, so I have to be careful not to spend it all. I should go search for a job so I can support us. Maybe she’d be able to work too, though I’d probably have to help her understand how things work.

So many things to do, and I’ve only just gotten back.

I shake my head and go toward the bathroom to freshen up. However, I stop in my tracks the moment I come face to face with the door again. That same door that used to bother me so much.

My hand hovers over the door handle; my heartbeat steady as I stare at the wood. I’ve already been through so much … I can do this too.

With swiftness, I push it down and open the door.

There it is … the room that was once my personal nightmare.

On the walls hang several pictures of colorful butterflies and twinkling stars with a matching closet in the back of the room. To the right is a changing station and to the left, a crib.

I sigh and stare at the abandoned room that’s been untouched for so long I don’t even remember when I last set foot in here. All I know is that it was before … before Noah took me to the community … before Steve left me … before my baby died.

I walk into the room and close my eyes, saying a prayer to myself.

This is where I left all my hopes and dreams. Where my heart shriveled and dried up. Where all my wishes turned into dust.

My hand instinctively reaches for my scar, and I rub my belly. It was too hard to face the truth, so I opted for ignoring it altogether. If I just didn’t go in here, it wouldn’t be real. If I didn’t see this room, things would still be okay. I would be okay. My baby would be okay.

It was a lie I told myself to survive each day.

“Is this … from your previous baby?” Emmy mutters, sneaking up behind me.

I glance at her over my shoulder. “Was.” I pluck one of the ultrasounds from the wall and gaze at his tiny little feet. “My son … died shortly after birth.”

“Oh … I’m sorry,” she says, clutching her arms.

“It’s fine. It was a long time ago,” I say, rubbing my scar again. “He’ll always have a piece of my heart.”

“You were brave to go through all that pain,” she says, and she places her hands on my shoulders. “That scar you carry is proof of your courage.”

I grab her hand. “Thanks. But I’m not. Not really, anyway. This is the first time I’ve been able to step into this room since.”

“You’ve overcome so much already,” she says. “You can handle this too.”

I nod. Why is she so wise for her age? It’s almost as if she’s seeing things in a totally different light than she was when she was still at the community.

Suddenly, I feel nauseous, and I cover my mouth with my hand and run for the bathroom. I puke in the toilet and quickly flush it before Emmy walks in too.

“Whoa. That was … sudden,” she says while I close the lid. “Are you okay?”

I wipe my face with a paper towel and throw it away. “Yeah … I’m fine.”