“Or the wedding night,” Steph cuts in.
“Gross,” Amy groans. “It’s bad enough we have to stick weenuses, as Gabriel calls them, onto a cut-out of my brother. I don’t want to think about him and his wedding night.”
“Hmm, I don’t mind thinking about it,” Susan says with a laugh. Then, she starts spinning around, her bright pink penis held high in her hand. “Okay, enough of that. I’m going first. Someone blindfold me!”
“I’ll do it,” Lisa volunteers.
Lisa is a nice girl. She was always stick-thin and slightly over six feet tall. People were really mean to her in high school about it, in the way kids can be mean. They used to call her sticky and Rexic-Lisa (which I always assumed to be anorexic—because she was thin—but she definitely wasn’t). I always felt really bad for her. Susan used to stand up to the people who would try and bully Lisa. She made sure the rest of the kids knew she wasn’t going to be pushed around. Anyway, Lisa is still really thin and kind of awkward with her height, but she’s wearing a tighter fitting blue maxi-dress, and she’s rocking it. She seems way more confident now than the last time I saw her, which was just a few months after Susan’s graduation, so maybe she’s made peace with her height.
Lisa produces a strip of black cloth that looks suspiciously like one of Mom’s nighties folded up over and over. She loops it around Susan’s eyes and tests it.
“I can’t see anything!” Susan exclaims. Lisa sets her on the right path, then we all stand back as she blindly tries to make her way across the yard.
She looks like a walking zombie, and with the penis in her hand extended out in front of her, wobbling and bobbing with her erratic steps, I have to admit the game is pretty funny.
Eventually, after a few minutes, with a lot of shouts of encouragement and after stepping on one of Mom’s peony bushes—which I’m sure she’s going to be pissed about when she finds out—Susan’s fingers brush the cardboard cut-out.
“Only one touch!” Paula yells from behind me. Apparently, there are rules. I didn’t realize something like this had them.
“Okay!” Susan yells back. She bursts out laughing and makes a jabbing motion with the penis.
I didn’t realize one end of the thing is sticky. Of course, it’s sticky. I slowly turn mine over in my hand to reveal a thin piece of double-sided tape that I didn’t notice before because I’m holding my weenus by the tip.
Christ. I can’t believe I just thought that.
We all giggle when we see that she stuck her penis right onto Chase’s forehead. Susan rips off the blindfold as the rest of us dissolve into giggles, and her laugher drifts across the yard.
“You next!” Lisa points at Gabriel.
Gabriel glances at me like he’s asking for permission. All I can do is shrug helplessly. I’m starting to learn that Gabriel must not take himself, or life, or things too seriously. He seems easy-going with a good sense of humor unlike my first impression of him. He lines up and bends down so Lisa can secure the blindfold after Susan passes it back.
After that, he holds his penis out in front of him. Gabriel is pretty athletic looking, and whether he played sports or plays sports or not (because I don’t actually know, obviously), he has an uncanny sense of direction. He makes his way effortlessly down the lawn and sticks his penis straight onto Chase’s left eye.
Another round of giggles ensues. Gabriel laughs at himself good-naturedly, leaves his big penis there, and walks back down the lawn. He hands the blindfold over to me before dropping a chaste kiss to my forehead that makes my body light up.
Which is bad, and I shouldn’t be thinking about it. There shouldn’t be anything to think about.
Whatever Gabriel’s sexual orientation is, this is fake. I’m paying him, so I’m kind of his boss. This is a no strings attached because it’s the way I wanted it. I can’t have shit both ways.
I let Lisa tie the blindfold before I take my weenus and stumble determinedly down the lawn. I successfully manage not to step on any flower gardens. I also count my steps, which might be cheating, but I judged it to be about fifty from where I was standing. I was only off by five. I brush something with my fingers earlier than I expected. I remember the whole thing about only getting one touch, so I bend and stick my weenus hard onto the cardboard.
When a collection of gasps echoes behind me, I rip off the blindfold to find that I stuck the weenus straight between cardboard Chase’s legs.
I guess that is a direct hit, my friends.
Yeah, I can handle this. I can get through it. I can freaking rock at rocking it. Whatever challenges this weekend holds, bring it on. I’m ready.