It was undeniably a fart.
Her cheeks redden as she glances, surreptitiously, at her dad. He’s in the big, overstuffed armchair, and he’s losing the battle against it as it starts claiming him for a hard nap. He jerks awake and glances around too, but instead of being embarrassed, he just grins.
“Whoa there,” Fred says. “I thought I had the nocturnal emissions under control.”
“Dad!” Pearl hisses.
He grins back at her. “Nothing better than embarrassing my daughter in front of her new boyfriend. Don’t worry, honey. I’m just making sure he’s the real deal. There are much worse things than finding out that your girlfriend’s family is a tad embarrassing in their own home.”
“Dad! Please! God…”
I smother the laugh that wants to burst out of my throat. The result is a strangled, choked, gurgle that sounds like death.
Fffrrrrrpppp thhhhwap.
“Dad!” Pearl nearly bursts off the couch. “Seriously! Stop!”
Fred chuckles. “Ducks. Did anyone see those ducks flying by?”
“Fred,” Marnie admonishes.
“That’s fine.” I turn to study Pearl’s red face, and she stares back at me in horror. “I haven’t tested those bounds yet, but I’m sure it’s due to happen at some point, where I can’t make a fast enough escape. Now I know Pearl will survive if I happen to pass gas in her vicinity.”
Pearl ducks her head so her parents can’t see her. “I hate you,” she mouths.
I grin back. “I adore you too, snookums banookums,” I whisper so only she can hear.
Her eyes get bigger, shinier, and her lips pull down at the corners. Yeah, she’s pissed.
“Okay.” Pearl does jump up this time. “On that very loud, resounding note, I’m going to bed. Goodnight. I’ll see you all in the morning.”
“Bacon and eggs okay? Or I have sausage too. And toast. Do you prefer rye, white, or brown? I’ll get something out of the freezer if you don’t like white. Or maybe you’re on a gluten-free diet. Oh my, I should have thought to ask before I served dinner tonight, and pie! Pie definitely has gluten in it!”
“I’m just fine with gluten.” I pat my stomach. “Definitely just fine with gluten. That was a delicious meal tonight. And whatever you make in the morning is sure to be better than anything I’ve eaten in the past—oh—probably my whole life. Just don’t tell my mom I said so.”
Marnie flushes with pleasure.
Pearl walks over and grabs my arm, which produces an epic style spark shower and a full awakening in my groin area, before tugging me up. Except I’m heavy and much larger than she is, so the tugging is pretty inefficient. I shove myself off the couch, and she drops her hand immediately. I nod to Marnie and Fred.
“Goodnight. It was great meeting you, and thanks again for everything. The hospitality and the wonderful meal. I’m happy to be here.”
“Oh. Oh my,” Marnie whispers.
Fred nods back at me. “Happy to meet you too, son. It’s nice to see that Pearl chose a good one this time. She’s had some real stinkers in the past, so be sure to treat her right.” He gives me a bit of the good ol’ dad stink eye, warning me to take him seriously.
It makes me feel like a toad. No, that’s mean. I have nothing against toads. It makes me feel like a bad shit. You know, the kind that is nasty, smells nasty, looks nasty, and threatens to plug the toilet. It’s what Fred’s admonishment makes me feel like. Total shit.
“Dad!” Pearl hisses again. “Okay, seriously. Goodnight.”
“Sorry for embarrassing you, honey,” Fred says, but it’s clear he’s not sorry at all.
“Have a good sleep,” Marnie calls after us as Pearl all but scrambles out of the room.
“We will,” Pearl calls over her shoulder.
I just nod, wave, turn around, and hurry off, making my own escape. What exactly can I say to all of that? Pearl failed to tell me that her parents were some of the nicest people in the world, and if they were nagging her, I’m sure they were legitimately worried about her.
I already got myself into this, and I can’t bail now, but I do decide, as I climb the slightly narrow set of stairs up to the second floor, that I’m not going to take Pearl’s money for this. There’s no way. It’s bad enough I’m lying for her and with her. I feel like I can be slightly less shitty and smell somewhat less like a swamp grass rat if I refuse to take her payment.
I’ll just get through the weekend and have as good a time as I can. Have fun. Real fun. And enjoy myself, since I haven’t enjoyed myself like I did today in a very, very long time, and then go back to life as I know it after this weekend.
It’s the only option I’ll let myself consider because it’s the only legitimate one.