I nodded. I could imagine him, stumbling down the path they’d led him on, afraid to look over his shoulder and see how far he’d come.
“I didn’t….” he began. “I couldn’t….” He closed his eyes for a second and gave a low growl of frustration. His whole body seemed to throb with tension. “I didn’t have anyone to—I was on my own, in this little apartment in the city, waiting for the next call. I knew that things were wrong, but I didn’t know what to do.”
I leaned closer, squeezing his hand, and put my other hand on his shoulder.
“Then...one time,” he said, “I’m in Colombia. Creep through the jungle to the target and it’s this big white mansion, in the middle of nowhere, with guards and a high wall around it. It’s obvious that this guy must be part of a drug cartel. I don’t like it, but I pull the trigger. Kill him while he’s on his balcony, silenced shot, his guards won’t even find him ‘till morning. I’m just packing up to leave when I get a call on the radio. There’s an SUV heading for the mansion and it’s the brother of the guy I just killed, some bigshot who they’ve been trying to get for years. No matter what, I have to intercept the SUV and kill him.”
“So I race through the jungle, find a bend in the road and lie in wait. The SUV shows up: big black thing, probably with bulletproof windows, too, but I know they won’t stop a sniper round. As it comes up to the bed, I put one right through the windshield, right into the chest of whoever’s driving. It swerves, goes full speed into a tree. I figure the guy’s going to have bodyguards so I put more rounds through the windows: one, two, three, four, five. Six shots in all. Then I wait. Nothing moves. The car’s burning.”
“I walk closer, to check he’s dead. Even ten feet away, I can’t see because the windows are tinted. I go to the driver’s door, pull it open. And the guy who was driving, this bigshot, he’s dead. But in the passenger seat, there’s—” He swallowed. “A woman. His wife. She’s still alive but she’s taken one in the chest and she’s coughing up blood, and I’ve seen enough to know she’s only got seconds. But she’s not trying to save herself. She’s trying to turn around.”
Oh God. Oh God, no.
“I run to the back of the car and pull open the door. And there are—” He swallowed again. “Bethany, there are three children. All under ten.”
Oh Jesus. My hands were over my mouth. Please no.
“I check them all, praying that one of them will be okay. I look up and the wife, she’s craning round in her seat, and she doesn’t even look angry with me, she’s just begging, begging with her eyes, for me to tell her that one of her kids is still alive. But I shake my head. I see tears start to run down her cheeks and then she dies, too.”
“I stumble back from the car. I get on the radio and I tell them there’s been a mistake, the guy’s family was in the car and—” He broke off and squeezed his eyes shut, his teeth clenched in rage. It was several seconds before he could speak. “They just went quiet. It wasn’t a mistake. They knew damn well there were kids in the car. They just saw it as collateral damage and they thought I’d see it the same.”
I wanted to throw up. “Oh God….”
“It was like I was waking up. Realizing what I’d become.” He opened his eyes and looked right at me. “A monster.”
I shook my head in horror, but I didn’t know what to say. They’d taken this gentle giant, with all his hunting skills and bravery, and exploited him, used him as a weapon for their own needs, without any thought for what it would do to him. “You didn’t know,” I whispered. “You couldn’t have known. It’s not your—”
“I should have said no,” he spat. “I should have got out. I should have asked questions, long before.” He glared at me, but all the anger was turned inward.
I stared at him helplessly. All he’d ever wanted to do was serve his country. Those bastards had seen that patriotism when they recruited him and used it. Hell, that was probably part of why they recruited him. “Cal,” I began. But I didn’t know what to say.
“I’m standing there by the SUV,” he said. “Just...numb. Wondering what I’m going to do because I can’t believe what I’ve done. My radio’s buzzing, the CIA want me the hell out of there before anyone comes along and finds me there, but I can’t move.”