Jems head jerked up, and he backed away from Tessas door instantly, retreating toward his own. His face went blank. "I suppose I shouldnt be surprised to find you wandering the hal s at all hours. "
"I think we can agree th
at the reverse is more out of character," said Will.
"Why are you awake? Are you all right?"
Jem cast a last glance at Tessas door, and then turned to face Will. "I was going to apologize to Tessa," he said. "I think my violin playing was keeping her awake. Where have you been? Assignation with Six-Fingered Nigel again?"
Will grinned, but Jem didnt return the smile. "Ive something for you, actual y. Come along, let me into your room. I dont want to spend all night standing about in the hall. "
After a moments hesitation Jem shrugged and opened his door. He went in, Will following; Will shut and bolted the door behind them as Jem threw himself into an armchair. There was a fire in the grate, but it had burned down to pale red-gold coals. He looked at Will. "What is it, then-," he began, and bent almost double, convulsed by a hard cough. It passed quickly, before Will could move or speak, but when Jem straightened, and brushed the back of his hand across his mouth, it came away smeared with red. He looked at the blood expressionlessly.
Will felt sick. He approached his parabatai, producing a handkerchief, which Jem took, and then the silver powder hed bought in Whitechapel.
"Here," he said, feeling awkward. He hadnt felt awkward around Jem in five years, but there it was. "I went back to Whitechapel, got this for you. "
Jem, having cleaned the blood from his hand with Will s handkerchief, took the packet and stared down at the yin fen. "I have enough of this," he said.
"For at least another month. " He looked up then, a sudden flicker in his eyes.
"Or did Tessa tell you-"
"Did she tell me what?"
"Nothing. I spilled some of the powder the other day. I managed to retrieve most of it. " Jem set the packet down on the table beside him. "This wasnt necessary. "
Will sat down on the trunk at the foot of Jems bed. He hated sitting there- his legs were so long, he always felt like an adult trying to squeeze behind a schoolroom desk-but he wanted to bring his eyes level with Jems.
"Mortmains minions have been buying up the yin fen supply in the East End," he said. "I confirmed it. If you had run out and he was the only one with a supply . . . "
"We would have been put in his power," said Jem. "Unless you were Will ing to let me die, of course, which would be the sensible course of action. "
"I would not be Will ing. " Will sounded sharp. "Youre my blood brother. Ive sworn an oath not to let any harm come to you-"
"Leaving aside oaths," said Jem, "and power plays, did any of this have to do with me?"
"I dont know what you mean-"
"I had begun to wonder if you were capable of the desire to spare anyone suffering. "
Will rocked back slightly, as if Jem had pushed him. "I . . . " He swal owed, looking for the words. It had been so long since he had searched for words that would earn him forgiveness and not hatred, so long since he had sought to present himself in anything but the worst light, that he wondered for a panicked moment if it were even something he was still able to do. "I spoke to Tessa today," he said final y, not noticing that Jems face paled even more markedly. "She made me understand-that what I did last night was unforgivable. Though," he added hastily, "I do still hope that you Will forgive me. " By the A ngel, Im bad at this.
Jem raised an eyebrow. "For what?"
"I went to that den because I could not stop thinking about my family, and I wanted-I needed-to stop thinking," said Will. "It did not cross my mind that it would look to you as if I were making a mockery out of your sickness. I suppose I am asking your forgiveness for my lack of consideration. " His voice dropped. "Everyone makes mistakes, Jem. "
"Yes," said Jem. "You just make more of them than most people. "
"I-"
"You hurt everyone," said Jem. "Everyone whose life you touch. "
"Not you," Will whispered. "I hurt everyone but you. I never meant to hurt you. "
Jem put his hands up, pressing his palms against his eyes. "Wil -"
"You cant never forgive me," Will said, hearing the panic tinging his own voice. "Id be-"
"Allone?" Jem lowered his hands, but he was smiling now, crookedly. "And whose fault is that?" He leaned back against the seat, his eyes half-lidded with tiredness. "I would always have forgiven you," he said. "I would have forgiven you if you hadnt apologized. In fact, I wasnt expecting you would.
Tessas influence, I can only guess. "
"I am not here at her request. James, you are all the family I have. " Will s voice shook. "I would die for you. You know that. I would die without you. If it were not for you, I would be dead a hundred times over these past five years.
I owe you everything, and if you cannot believe I have empathy, perhaps you might at least believe I know honor-honor, and debt-"
Jem looked actual y alarmed now. "Will, your discomposure is greater than my anger warranted. My temper has cooled; you know I have never had much of one. "
His tone was soothing, but something in Will could not be soothed. "I went to get you that medicine because I cannot bear the thought of you dying or in pain, certainly not when I could have done something to prevent it. And I did it because I was afraid. If Mortmain came to us and said he was the only one who had the drug that would save your life, you must know I would give him whatever he wanted so that I could get it for you. I have failed my family before, James. I would not fail you-"
"Will. " Jem rose to his feet; he came across the room to Will and knelt down, looking up into his friends face. "You begin to concern me. Your regret does you admirable credit, but you must know . . . "
Will looked down at him. He remembered Jem as he had been when he had just come from Shanghai, and had seemed to be all great dark eyes in a pinched white face. It had not been easy to make him laugh then, but Will had set himself to trying. "Know what?"