She opened the door wide. "Yes, come in. "
Jem came into the room, and shut the door firmly behind him. He walked over to the grate and leaned an arm against the mantel; then, seeming to decide that this position was unsatisfactory, he came over to where Tessa was, in the middle of the room, and stood in front of her.
"Tessa," he said.
"Jem," she replied, mimicking his serious tone, but again he did not smile.
"Jem," she said again, more quietly. "If this is about your health, your-il ness, please tell me. I Will do whatever I can to help you. "
"It is not," he said, "about my il ness. " He took a deep breath. "You know we have not found Mortmain," he said. "In a few days, the Institute may be given to Ben
edict Lightwood. He would doubtless all ow Will and me to remain here, but not you, and I have no desire to live in a house that he runs. And Will and Gabriel would kil each other inside a minute. It would be the end of our little group; Charlotte and Henry would find a house, I have no doubt, and Will and I perhaps would go to Idris until we were eighteen, and Jessie-I suppose it depends what sentence the Clave passes on her. But we could not bring you to Idris with us. You are not a Shadowhunter. "
Tessas heart had begun to beat very fast. She sat down, rather suddenly, on the edge of her bed. She felt faintly sick. She remembered Gabriels sneering jibe about the Lightwoods finding "employment" for her; having been to the bal at their house, she could imagine little worse. "I see," she said. "But where should I go-No, do not answer that. You hold no responsibility toward me. Thank you for tell ing me, at least. "
"Tessa-"
"You all have already been as kind as propriety has all owed," she said, "given that all owing me to live here has done none of you any good in the eyes of the Clave. I shall find a place-"
"Your place is with me," Jem said. "It always Will be. "
"What do you mean?"
He flushed, the color dark against his pale skin. "I mean," he said, "Tessa Gray, Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"
Tessa sat bolt upright. "Jem!"
They stared at each other for a moment. At last he said, trying for lightness, though his voice cracked, "That was not a no, I suppose, though neither was it a yes. "
"You cant mean it. "
"I do mean it. "
"You cant-Im not a Shadowhunter. Theyl expel you from the Clave-"
He took a step closer to her, his eyes eager. "You may not be precisely a Shadowhunter. But you are not a mundane either, nor provably a Downworlder. Your situation is unique, so I do not know what the Clave Will do. But they cannot forbid something that is not forbidden by the Law. They Will have to take your-our-individual case into consideration, and that could take months. In the meantime they cannot prevent our engagement. "
"You are serious. " Her mouth was dry. "Jem, such a kindness on your part is indeed incredible. It does you credit. But I cannot let you sacrifice yourself in that way for me. "
"Sacrifice? Tessa, I love you. I want to marry you. "
"I . . . Jem, it is just that you are kind, so selfless. How can I trust that you are not doing this simply for my sake?"
He reached into the pocket of his waistcoat and drew out something smooth and circular. It was a pendant of whitish-green jade, with Chinese characters carved into it that she could not read. He held it out to her with a hand that trembled ever so slightly.
"I could give you my family ring," he said. "But that is meant to be given back when the engagement is over, exchanged for runes. I want to give you something that Will be yours forever. "
She shook her head. "I cannot possibly-"
He interrupted her. "This was given to my mother by my father, when they married. The writing is from the I Ching, the Book of Changes. It says, When two people are at one in their inmost hearts, they shatter even the strength of iron or bronze. "
"And you think we are?" Tessa asked, shock making her voice small. "At one, that is?"
Jem knelt down at her feet, so that he was gazing up into her face. She saw him as he had been on Blackfriars Bridge, a lovely silver shadow against the darkness. "I cannot explain love," he said. "I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth.
But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you. That you were the center of everything I did and felt and thought. "
Overwhelmed, Tessa shook her head slowly. "Jem, I never imagined-"
"There is a force and strength in love," he said. "That is what that inscription means. It is in the Shadowhunter wedding ceremony, too. For love is as strong as death. Have you not seen how much better I have been these past weeks, Tessa? I have been il less, coughing less. I feel stronger, I need less of the drug-because of you. Because my love for you sustains me. "
Tessa stared. Was such a thing even possible, outside of fairy tales? His thin face glowed with light; it was clear he believed it, absolutely. And he had been better.
"You speak of sacrifice, but it is not my sacrifice I offer. It is yours I ask of you," he went on. "I can offer you my life, but it is a short life; I can offer you my heart, though I have no idea how many more beats it shall sustain. But I love you enough to hope that you Will not care that I am being selfish in trying to make the rest of my life-whatever its length-happy, by spending it with you.
I want to be married to you, Tessa. I want it more than I have ever wanted anything else in my life. " He looked up at her through the veil of silvery hair that fell over his eyes. "That is," he said shyly, "if you love me, too. "
Tessa looked down at Jem, kneeling before her with the pendant in his hands, and understood at last what people meant when they said someones heart was in their eyes, for Jems eyes, his luminous, expressive eyes that she had always found beautiful, were full of love and hope.
And why should he not hope? She had given him every reason to believe she loved him. Her friendship, her trust, her confidence, her gratitude, even her passion. And if there was some smal locked away part of herself that had not quite given up Will, surely she owed it to herself as much as to Jem to do whatever she could to destroy it.
Very slowly she reached down and took the pendant from Jem. It slipped around her neck on a gold chain, as cool as water, and rested in the hollow of her throat above the spot where the clockwork angel lay. As she lowered her hands from its clasp, she saw the hope in his eyes light to an almost unbearable blaze of disbelieving happiness. She felt as if someone had reached inside her chest and unlocked a box that held her heart, spil ing tenderness like new blood through her veins. Never had she felt such an overwhelming urge to fiercely protect another person, to wrap her arms around someone else and curl up tightly with them, alone and away from the rest of the world.