“Your loss.”
“Or gain,” she said softly. “It just depends on how you look at it.”
She seemed distant.
And I only had Tank to blame.
Well, that and my shitty treatment of her for the past year.
I took a deep breath and leaned back just as the lights flickered back on, only to have Junior turn them down again and announce we were watching Elf.
What was it about the dark that made you less brave?
That suddenly stole your breath from your lungs?
Had you counting the beats of your heart as they picked up speed.
Measuring the inches between your fingertips and someone else’s?
Nothing had changed, and yet everything had, as the necklace I wore nearly burned a hole through my chest.
A reminder of my past.
And the fact that I still could have a future where I wasn’t so miserable, I destroyed everything in my path because I could, because I hurt.
I leaned back against the couch while Annie sat ramrod straight, watching the movie like she’d never seen it.
So instead of watching what I’d seen over and over for years.
I watched her.
Every expression.
Every small smile.
Every sharp intake of breath.
And what I saw was beautiful.
I hated myself more than I’d ever admit out loud in that moment.
She’d given her fucking pearls to a dirty grave, her pearls. Something that meant everything to her, which meant Claire had meant everything to her as well, but I’d missed it.
Fuck. I’d missed it all. And I had no idea how to even begin to fix it other than to show her rather than use the words she no longer trusted.
She laughed a truly happy laugh that slid over me and inside me and made me long for more.
I put a hand on her thigh and then slid it up past her hips to her shoulder as I leaned in and whispered, “You’re really pretty.”
She froze.
A trickle of unease went down my spine.
Slowly she turned, and with trembling lips, said, “I can’t.”
“Can’t what?” I smirked.
“Play.” She swallowed and looked down at her hands. “I can’t play a game I don’t know the rules to. So if you could just…” She licked her bee-stung lips. “Just watch the movie, and be my friend… I can—I can handle that, but anything else just feels like a game where I don’t know the rules, one I’m bound to eventually lose. And Ash…” Her eyes were sad. “I don’t have much left to lose.”
My stomach sank. “But we’re friends… right?”
She was quiet for a minute and then put her hand on mine and whispered, “Friends.”
My hands shook to grip hers, to tug her against me and kiss her, to give her multiple gifts.
How ironic that the very thing I wanted to give her.
She didn’t want.
It was too late, wasn’t it?
I was too late.
Always too late.
Even with her heart.
Chapter Twenty-Three
“Death is the golden key that opens the palace of eternity.” —John Milton
Annie
For the rest of the movie, the air between us was charged… and so awkward I wanted to cry. Ash wasn’t necessarily distant. He just seemed… sad.
So many times, I wanted to elbow him, force him to tease; even being mean would have been nice.
Instead, he was polite.
And I kind of hated it.
It wasn’t like I wanted the asshole back. I just didn’t know where we stood. And was the one who’d said friends, and I couldn’t honestly live with myself if I just forgave everything so easily.
Sure, was I attracted to him?
The dirt would be attracted to him.
Was I half in love?
Yes.
Was it dangerous to my heart, soul, and sanity? Absolutely.
I had fled the country and freaking cut my hair because of that asshole, because of that night.
“Until the stars fall,” his voice whispered in my head.
I wanted to scream as heat swept across my cheeks. Being drunk did nothing for his stamina. If anything— No, I couldn’t go there, I couldn’t even process it, because if I did, I’d start to relent, I’d get weak, and I had sworn to myself in Italy that I would never be a victim again, that I would fight for me.
So even though I wanted to give in so bad…
He needed to earn me.
To earn my trust.
“Hey,” Serena interrupted my train of thoughts. “Want a ride back home?”
I stupidly looked around for Ash and realized he’d fallen asleep on the couch right next to me. My heart deflated a bit.
Ugh, I needed to get a handle on the whiplash of emotions I had concerning him.
“Yeah.” I nodded and smiled. “That would be great, thanks.”
Serena eyed me and then Ash, her eyes missing nothing as she licked her full lips; how purple lipstick looked sexy on her, I had no clue. Paired with her long platinum hair, tight jeans, and cropped white sweater, and I felt like I should be pushing a shopping cart through an alleyway. “Cool, let’s go. Junior’s driving.”