Or had he been fooling himself all along about it being fake?
Taking a deep breath, he dropped his forehead onto the steering wheel and lowered his shaking hands to his lap. Rage, sadness, and frustration flew through his veins at breakneck speed, even though he knew he’d done the right thing.
He had to cut ties with her. It was better this way.
It had to be.
Chapter Eighteen
An hour later, Cooper pulled up in front of his hotel and got out of his Escalade. Kayla’s words had played on repeat in his brain the whole drive, making him wonder if he’d just made the biggest mistake of his life in walking away from her.
Oh, who was he kidding? There was no wondering about it.
He’d made a huge fucking mistake.
But, hell, she’d caught him off-guard when she’d mentioned wanting more from him. Part of him had been elated, and the other part had been more fucking terrified than the time he’d faced down an entire band of insurgents with nothing but his rifle and lived to tell about it. The last thing he’d expected from her was her wanting more.
The terrified portion inside of him had obviously won out, and he’d taken full advantage of his fight or flight response by choosing the latter option. It was better this way. He knew it. But she’d looked so broken-hearted.
And damn it, he was, too.
If things had worked out according to their plan, he should have walked away from her feeling sexually satisfied and ready to move on to the next chapter of his life. He should be rejuvenated and ready to go overseas again, knowing that this time, he wouldn’t miss the enemy hiding in the shadows. This time, he wouldn’t fail.
But instead…he felt like utter shit.
After checking in and trudging to his room, Cooper sat on the edge of bed, yanked his collar loose, and flung his coat on the chair by the window. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He wasn’t supposed to miss her already. Though he wasn’t experienced in matters of the heart, he had a sinking suspicion he knew what the aching emptiness inside of him meant.
He wanted more, too.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his cell. He stared at it, spinning it in his fingers as he debated his next move. He couldn’t be impetuous. He had to think things through. Examine all the puzzle pieces before trying to make them all fit. He already knew he couldn’t start something with Kayla and then leave. But there was one option he could take. One where he could be with her and this aching pain would go away.
It was time to call his dad.
His phone felt even heavier than the weight he carried around with him. The one that had dad etched permanently into it. In the month leading up to his interview, his father hadn’t wasted one day trying to shove that damn position down his throat. Every time Cooper mentioned the upcoming interview, his father left the room. He came up with excuses to not have to hear about the opportunity.
Cooper had been certain his father couldn’t stand being in the same room because he was disappointed in him for not staying in the Marines. That he couldn’t stand being around his failure of a son. The same son who’d let his best friend die.
But maybe that hadn’t been the case? Maybe he’d just wanted Cooper to take on his “life’s work,” as Kayla had called it. Maybe it was time they had a heart to heart.
He dialed before he could talk himself out of it, which would have been all too easy. On the second ring, someone picked up. “Hello?”
Cooper took a deep breath. “Hi, Mom. It’s me.”
“Hey!” A smile warmed up her voice. “How’s North Carolina treating you?”
“Great. It’s warmer down here, for sure.”
“That’s good.” She paused. “Though, I guess you’ll be a lot hotter soon. Over in the desert. I saw on the news it was over a hundred degrees yesterday.”
“Well, yeah. It’s definitely a lot hotter there.” He scratched his head, wincing at the memories of the harsh, hot sun. The days he’d spent over there had been hell on Earth. “At night it cools off, though. Sometimes, it’s frigid.”
“But you’re inside then right?”
He massaged his temple, picturing Kayla as she looked this morning, lying in bed and watching him with her bright blue eyes shining. He’d give anything to go back to that moment. Before all hell broke loose. Before he’d walked away. “Yeah, but it’s not like I’m in a hotel or anything. It’s mostly shoddy buildings and temporary housing.”
“O…oh.” She sniffed. “Well, you’ll be safe, right? Promise me you’ll keep safe.”
She sounded so worried about him. For the first time, he felt guilty about that. He’d been so focused on making up for his wrongs, on proving that he could be the Marine he should have been when Josh had died, that he hadn’t seen how it was affecting her.