“I'm fine,” I say.
“Because I totally respect that you're dealing with shit. Life is hard and there's a lot of shit to deal with, but I need you on set, at your call time, every single day for the next three months.”
“I know,” I say. “Production waits for no one.”
She stops at the top of a hill, looking at the next, even higher hill some 200 feet ahead of us. Laurie shakes her head, but after she catches her breath, she keeps walking.
“I do care,” she says, “beyond my need to have a functional lead actor.”
“I know.”
“So what did Mr. Hot Asshole Lawyer do?”
“I'm the asshole, and he ended it,” I say.
“What person in their right mind would end things with you?”
“In his right mind,” I correct her.
“Oh, shut up.”
“Sorry, it's a habit,” I say. We walk up another hill,
and this time I stop and look at the disgustingly beautiful view. We're even higher up and I can see even more of Los Angeles. “It's not his fault. He gave me every chance, but I didn't pick him, and he didn't want to be second choice.”
“Ouch. Want me to kick his ass?”
“No. It's my fault,” I say.
“I know it's none of my business…”
“That's stopped you before?”
She laughs. “But would you rather be with this Ryan or Mr. Hot Asshole Lawyer?”
“He's not an asshole. And it doesn't matter. It's my fate to end up with Ryan.”
“Romantic?”
“Something like that,” I say. We turn around a mile later. Laurie stops asking about Luke and Ryan, and I try and stop thinking about them.
I try and stop thinking about what it means to end up with Ryan.
***
It is about dinner time when Laurie drops me off. It is almost dinner time, and I still haven't eaten lunch. Did I even eat breakfast? Did I deserve it?
I stand in the lobby of our building, staring at the elevator. Ryan is probably at home. If I'm lucky, he's at the gym. If I'm really lucky, he's at the office. But he can do his work as easily at home. He's probably at home, and he's not going to give me any room after last night.
Why should he? I'm the cheating bitch and he's the innocent angel. Isn't that how the story goes?
But, truth be told, I don't care what Ryan thinks any more. I don't care what Ryan wants anymore. He was right. I don't love him the way I love Luke. I don't love him. I barely like him.
But I'm stuck. I'm not strong enough to leave Ryan, especially not now, not when Luke is tired of my bullshit. I'm not strong enough to survive on my own. I never was. Not really.
I step into the elevator and hit the button. I walk down the hallway, to Luke's apartment, and I stand outside his door. I can't knock. I'm still with Ryan. I'm not leaving Ryan. I can't leave Ryan. And I can't face Luke like this.
I press my ear into the door. It is quiet. Is he staying at his house? Is he visiting Samantha? Is he with her right now, finally allowing her to earn her forgiveness, finally giving into all the feelings he used to have for her?