"And your stepfather. Was he still around then?"
"Yes. I waited until after she was gone to press charges."
"She never knew?"
"She knew something was wrong, but never what it was."
"You were trying to protect her?"
"Yes."
"Do you try to protect everyone, even when it comes at the cost of your well-being, your happiness?"
"It's my turn to ask a question."
"But you do."
"Yes." His eyes bore into mine. "Did you think you were going to die?"
I nod. "I still remember the moment the other car hit ours. It was an undivided road, a head-on collision. That's why my parents... the front seat was worse."
He sets his hand on the table. I squeeze tightly. It's different than the last time he offered me this. Harder.
My eyelids press together. "The car was coming towards us. I knew it was bad. Then everything went white. I still remember hoping that my sister got the news after she finished her cross-country meet, so she'd win her race."
Nick smiles. "Did you really?"
"Yeah. I woke up a few days later. I was in a coma, supposedly. I don't remember anything but the sensation of morphine-dulled pain. They waited to tell me my parents died. They didn't want to traumatize me when I was already so weak. Really, it made it worse, not knowing what was going on, having my hope crushed like that."
"Do you miss them?"
I nod. "We fought a lot, but I always knew they loved me. They were teachers, and they were sure they were going to change the world, or at least their underfunded school. They did so much good. It's not fair they're gone."
"What was it you told me in San Francisco?" He quotes me. "Life doesn't give a fuck about what you want."
"Something like that. You don't like the sentiment or the vulgarity?"
"I love both."
I swallow hard. That word, love, it sounds good on his lips.
I shake my head so I'll focus on the moment. After all, life doesn't give a fuck about anything I want. I need to grab onto what I have while it's in front of me.
I make eye contact with Nick. "What was it like, your mom putting work first?"
"Lonely. I thought I could take care of the family, but..."
"I'm so sorry you went through that. It hurts me to think about it. I can't imagine how much it hurt you."
"Don't feel sorry for me. I'm a very lucky person."
"It's not pity. Just that... I hurt when you hurt."
The waitress interrupts with our food. We order another round of drinks.
I bury my face in my shrimp curry to buy myself time to sort out my thoughts.
It's not quite as fresh as the expensive Thai place downtown, but the spices are stronger. Ginger, galangal, Thai basil, and the salty kick of fish sauce.
Is this what love feels like? It's intense.
"I think it's your turn," I say.
He pulls out his phone and shows me a picture. It's a photo of an STD test. He's totally clean.
"Are you on birth control?" he asks.
"Yes, I have an IUD." I look back at him. "I'm clean. I had a test last year. I haven't been with anyone but you since September."
"I trust you." He shifts his phone into his pocket. "It's your decision, if you want to use a condom."
"Is that your question?"
He nods.
God, what a question.
It's an easy decision. I've never had sex without a condom before. I absolutely want to feel Nick, all of him.
I nod. "I don't. I trust you."
He smiles.
I'm going to fuck Nick bareback.
Do I really need to stay for the movie?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Even in the packed theater, Nick and I are in our own world. It's a bubble free of all the stress of Odyssey or family or accidents that take everything away.
After the credits roll, I try to pull my thoughts together in the women's restroom. The question presses at me. Do I love Nick?
It's possible.
Likely even.
I let lust take over my brain. It's easier to understand.
I'm going to have sex with Nick without a condom. It's so personal, so intimate—
So fucking hot.
I'm distracted on the subway ride. When we're finally at our stop, he wraps his hand around my wrist and pulls me to my feet.
My legs are jelly. The walk to his apartment only takes five minutes, but it feels like fifty.
Finally, we step into the lobby. The elevator's ding announces its arrival. Nick punches in some code for the penthouse floor as he pulls me inside.
In one swift movement, he presses me against the wall and presses his lips to mine.
He's not wasting any time. Thank God.
My tongue slides into his mouth. It's different with so much on the table. Knowing how deep my feelings go. How I need him.
How he needs me.
Nick needs me. It makes me warm all over.
He pushes my coat off my shoulders. Groans against my neck then sinks his teeth into it.
It sends a pang straight to my core.
I need to touch him today, to show him how good that can feel.
My hands go to his shoulders. I tug at his coat but it doesn't budge.
Okay. It's not like we need to do this in the glass elevator. He'll feel safer in his apartment.
For the rest of the ride, I run my hands through his hair and kiss him back with as much feeling as I can muster. Words are so complicated. I can never use them to explain myself.
But this—
His lips on mine, his hands on my skin—
This I understand.
I nearly jump when the elevator doors slide open. Almost. I kick my coat into the penthouse and move inside. He follows with a curious look. Like he knows I've got my mind set on something.
Nick hangs our coats on the rack. He takes my purse. Kneels to undo my shoes. His hands trace a line up my legs, over the seam of my jeans, then over the soft fabric of my t-shirt. They stop to trace my neckline.
His touch is soft as his fingers skim my collarbones. My cheeks. My lower lip.
He pulls my t-shirt over my head. Unhooks my bra and flings it aside.
He's quick today. Like he's desperate.
Nick pins me against the wall as he kisses me.
I need him so much more than I've ever needed anything.
Want his pleasure more than I've ever wanted anything.
His lips go to my neck. I shift to my tiptoes so my mouth hovers over his ear.
Here goes nothing. "I want to touch you. Please."
"That might not end well."
He presses his body against mine, every hard inch of it, like he's warning me I might not get my prize.
Worth the risk. "I know."
He pulls back to look into my eyes. I stare back. Those deep brown eyes. It's like they go for miles.
He runs his fingertips over my stomach. "I'm in charge. You can't do anything until I ask."
I nod.
He brings his hand to my chest, his fingertip millimeters from my nipple but not touching yet.
I look for meaning in his eyes.
He's testing me.
I have to pass.
Every part of me wants to arch my back, to press my chest into my hands, but I have to be patient. Nick will get me there.
He brushes his fingertip over my nipple with the faintest hint of pressure. I bite my tongue and stare back into his eyes.
His other hand goes to my jeans, to my inner thigh. An inch from where they need to be. Then half an inch. Then so fucking close it takes every bit of strength I have not to rub my body against his.
"Nick, please." I'm not sure what I'm requesting, only that I need it.
The man has no mercy. He rubs my inner thigh as he sinks his teeth into my neck.
He bites his way to my ear, then it's just his breath. The warmth of it sends a buzz of p
leasure down my spine.
"Give me your left hand." He presses his lips against my neck.
I do.
He brings it over my head and presses it against the wall. He takes my right hand and places his palm behind it. He's guiding me.
It's hard not to push things forward. I manage it by staring into his eyes. They have to be wide with desire. Nothing else.
He presses my palm against his jeans so I'm cupping his erection. That's Nick under all that denim. Never thought I'd hate such a utilitarian fabric so deeply, but I do.
"Unzip my jeans then your hand goes to your side." He pulls his hand from mine.
I fumble over the button and the zipper. There. It's so tempting to touch him, but I follow his orders exactly.
There's vulnerability in his eyes. This is a big deal. I can't push him.
Nick pulls his t-shirt over his head. He slides out of his shoes and pushes his jeans to his knees. They fall to a heap on the floor.
Just boxers now.
He pins my hands to the wall as he kisses me. The sizzle of his bare chest against mine sends waves of need to my core.
We'll get to me later. Right now, I need him feeling good.