"Oh." I press my lips together. "Is it going to be okay, the band?"
"It will be."
"Good. I… I'm glad. You're really good in it. And you're really good together."
His touch gets harder. "Why are you avoiding me, Vi?"
I turn enough to look into Ethan's eyes. His expression is demanding.
I'm hurting him.
My inhale is sharp. My exhale is heavy. Shit. I can't dodge this conversation anymore. Not with the feelings stirring in my stomach. "I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"I'm falling in love with you again."
"That doesn't have to be a problem."
I shake my head. I wish that was true, but it's not.
"It doesn't."
I keep my eyes on the shining stars. "You broke my heart, Ethan. I was ecstatic when I got into the master's program. That was the first happiness I'd felt in months. The only thing I wanted to do was share it with you." My throat is sore, but I need to get this out. "It was supposed to be our happiness, but you looked at my acceptance letter like it was radioactive
. I don't know why… All I can figure out is that my dreams never mattered to you."
He slides his hand around my neck. His palm cups the back of my head. Gently, he tilts my head until we're eye to eye. "That wasn't it."
My gaze goes to the grass. "Then what was it?"
"I shouldn't have dared you to leave. Fuck, Vi, the only thing I regret in my entire life is letting you walk away."
"But…"
"I'm not losing you again."
"But, I… I don't understand."
"I was an ass that day. I should have called, should have apologized. I thought about doing it a million times, but I couldn't forgive you for locking me out after Asher died. It was like our three years together meant nothing. It was like you were throwing away all the trust and intimacy we shared. All I wanted to do was hold you and promise everything would be okay. All I wanted to do was take care of you—"
"Why didn't you?"
"I tried. I tried a million times, but you kept pulling away. You kept dodging my calls and making excuses not to see me. And when you did see me, it was like you weren't there. No matter what I did, you wouldn't let me in. You wouldn't let me help. It was like you were done with me."
I shake my head. "No, I wanted you to be there. I felt so empty."
"I know, Vi. I was stupid then. I didn't get that grief was swallowing you whole. I didn't get that you couldn't bring yourself to ask for help. It took me a long time to figure that out. By the time I did, I couldn't forgive myself for all that time I sat there watching you hurt."
I soak in the warmth of his skin.
"I tried to convince myself I didn't want you anymore. Tried to forget you." He presses his forehead to mine. "I'll never be able to forget you. I'll never want anyone the way I want you."
"Ethan…"
He leans closer. "I want to fix this."
"I don't know how to do that."