It's supposed to make me feel something. At the very least, it's supposed to make me feel that tiny comfort of familiarity.
But it doesn't.
The next song is worse. The notes don't even make it to my ears.
Lacey keeps most of her attention on the road. Every minute or two, she looks to me. Concern fills her brown eyes.
I catch her staring.
She forces an it's going to be okay smile.
I sink back into my seat.
It goes like that for the entire drive. Even as we park in front of her apartment complex.
She keeps her eyes on the spot in front of her. "Did you want to stop somewhere? Pick anything up?"
I shake my head.
"Are you hungry or thirsty or anything? I have a few snacks, but my selection is pretty minimal."
"No."
"Okay." She turns off the ignition and plays with her keychain. Slowly, she undoes her seat belt and gets out of the car.
I wait until her door slams shut to slide off my seat belt and step out of the car. I'm moving half speed. I don't know why. I know what's going on but not how to handle it.
This isn't how it's supposed to go.
Lacey takes my hand and leads me up the stone steps. Her palm is soft. Warm. She's not bouncy or bubbly or effervescent right now. She isn't bursting with passion the way she is when she's talking about movies or music.
I'm tempted to ask her some random question about the video. I need a taste of her enthusiasm. I need the jolt of her smile to wake up my heart and get my blood pumping through my veins.
But then I can't take the possibility that it will fail. What if she manages to muster up that enthusiasm and I still feel this lifeless?
She unlocks the door and pulls it open for me. "After you." Her voice is soft, but I can't make out any other inflection.
I step inside the apartment.
She follows, locking the door behind us.
/> Her eyes go to mine. They're still wide with concern. "I'm sorry, Mal." She drops her keys and purse on her desk and takes a step towards me.
Slowly, she wraps her arms around me.
It's more than a hug, more than an embrace. It's like she's holding me up. Like she's holding me together.
That isn't right.
I hold me together.
I can't let someone else do it.
I can't let anyone else get close enough to tear my heart out again and again.
I…
I can't do anything but pull her closer.