"Oh, Brendon. I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It was—"
"That's your mom. It must have hurt."
Like a knife in my chest. But that was how it had to be. "Not everyone deserves to be in your life."
"Still. I know how much you love Em. How much you... well, you really are a family man."
"You could say that."
"It must have killed you, that rejection."
Maybe. I've always been angry. I think about it and I see red. I see injustice. I see bullshit. Sadness doesn't seep in.
"Your dad too?"
"He always followed her lead."
"And you... did you not see Em for all that time?"
"I still did. Just not when Mom was around." I'm good at keeping secrets, I guess.
"Oh." Kaylee takes another step forward. Another. Another. She stops in front of the building. Looks to her phone then to the stone sign. "This is it."
"First stop tomorrow."
She nods. "It looks good. Traditional." She gives the tall brick building a long once over. "Were you... were you hanging out with the kinds of people Em shouldn't be around?"
"Sometimes. I wasn't choosy about my friends. Or the way I spent my time."
"You mean..." She presses her lips together.
"You can ask."
She looks up at me. Runs her fingertips over my jawline. "You mean drugs?"
"Sometimes. It was never my thing."
"You'd rather be in control?"
"How the fuck did you know?"
It's strange. I never want to share anything. And certainly not with Kay. The way she looks at me—like I'm a guy worth loving—is too intoxicating. I can't bring myself to convince her otherwise.
But I want to tell her this.
I want her to know how many people I disappointed.
How many people I continue to disappoint.
It's still fucking heavy.
"Brendon?" She tugs at my t-shirt. Her eyes meet mine. Are you okay?
"What's next?"
"Oh." She looks to her cell. Taps the screen a few times. "The English building is this way. I think... It would be stupid, majoring in English."