Intertwine my fingers with hers.
She's so close.
I can feel her heartbeat.
Her inhale.
Her exhale.
She squeezes my fingers. "I'm probably going to keep you up all night."
She's right about that.
"I keep thinking about the test. Worrying it's going to be like last time. Everyone told me it would be fine. That it was just a precaution. That I was too young." She melts into my chest.
"That must have been terrifying."
"It was. But it was more dread than fear. I knew what was waiting for me. I watched my mom fight. That's what everyone called it. The entire time, up until the end, she was fighting. But she was losing. The chemo took everything from her. I didn't want to go through that."
"Did you?"
Her nod is soft. "I did a short treatment. But it was enough… Do you know how it works?"
"Not exactly."
"It's poison. And it feels like it. It's killing you, only it's killing the cancer cells faster. It was awful. I wasn't sure if I wanted to live or die."
"Fuck." I run my fingers through her hair. "I'm sorry."
"I try not to think about it. I don't know if I could do it again."
The odds are nearly nothing that she's sick.
But it's not what she needs to hear. "Then don't."
"But I'd be accepting it."
"If you're sick, you're sick whether you accept it or not. It's your life. It's your body. It's your decision."
"Maybe. I don't know if I could do that to Dad and Gia. Or you even."
"Don't worry about me."
"I'm not. I'm just thinking."
"About."
"There are so many things I gave up on after my diagnosis. But I can have a lot of them. I just don't."
"What do you want?"
"Well…" She lets out a soft laugh. "I'm not trying to get in your pants. I swear."
"You're gonna hurt my feelings, sunshine."
Her laugh spreads over her chest and stomach. She shakes against me. Squeezes my hand. "You overuse that line."
"'Cause you keep bruising my ego."