His eyes grew even wetter, turning into tears that weren’t quite heavy enough to escape.
“I don’t trust you, Derek. Without trust, there’s nothing there. The relationship will be a ghost of what it used to be. It’ll just be…empty. That beautiful, rare thing we had is gone forever. An apology isn’t going to bring it back. It doesn’t matter how much I love you. There’s nothing that’s going to make me put myself in that situation again, to build up someone and help them grow, and then watch them crash again…on repeat. That is not a good utilization of my energy, and instead of taking care of you all the time, I want someone to take care of me. But this relationship has always been a one-way street. I don’t have the patience. I don’t have the interest.”
He dropped his chin and quickly dragged his hands down his face, wiping away the moisture in his eyes. He blinked quickly before he cleared his throat. “I’m not the man I used to be, Emerson. I’m not…I’m not going to do that again. I promise you that I’m here, every day, forever.”
I shook my head slightly.
“Please…just give me another chance.” He brought his hands together and rested the edge of his fingers against his lips. “I can’t lose you. Please…I can’t lose you. I love you so fucking much—”
“Where the hell was this three months ago?” I snapped because I couldn’t be calm anymore. “I was sobbing my eyes out in the stairwell of a building, and you just left. You never called. You never texted. What the hell is this—”
“I wasn’t myself.” He dropped his hands and sniffled, controlling his emotions once more. “That wasn’t me. This is me. And this is me every day forever, okay? I will be here every moment of every day, making this relationship work. You’re the love of my life, and I can’t live without you—”
“You were living just fine for the last three months. How’s Fleur, by the way?”
He closed his eyes and cringed.
“Just stop it, Derek. I’m sleeping with other people, you’re sleeping with other people, it’s over.”
He opened his eyes again and looked at me, even more tortured than before. “I’m not sleeping with anyone anymore—”
“Well, I am. I’ve moved on.”
He closed his eyes briefly, pained by what I said, like the idea of me being with other men killed him…the way it killed me. “They aren’t good enough for you—”
I released a maniacal laugh. “Oh, that’s rich coming from you. You hurt me way more than any of them ever could.”
“Emerson, please—”
“I listened to everything you’ve said. I’m not obligated to do anything more. You made your pitch—and I rejected it. Done. I don’t want you.” I wanted him to leave so I could be alone, so I could let the angry tears escape my eyes and roll down my cheeks.
He dropped his chin and turned silent, his breathing deep and uneven, wrestling with all the emotions and thoughts this conversation provoked. He rubbed his hands together, bringing himself to a state of calm. Then he looked at me again. “You said you still love me…”
“I did not say that—”
“I have the best memory in the world. You used present tense, not past.”
My eyes narrowed. “It makes no difference, Derek—”
“It makes all the difference in the world. You still love me, but you don’t trust me. Let me earn your trust—”
“No. You had your opportunity, and you blew it—many times.”
“We are worth fighting for—”
I slammed my hand down on the desk. “We didn’t have a stupid fight and break up over something dumb. We were fucking in love, and then you broke up with me for no real reason and devastated Lizzie and me. Stop rewriting history and making it seem small—”
“I’m not doing that. I’m just saying that I’m not that man anymore, that I’m here a hundred percent, that I’m not going to pull that shit ever again. I’m committed to you until death do us part. And if you still love me, then give me the chance to prove to you that I’m here forever. Because I am, Emerson. I’m never, ever going to leave you again. You’re…my life.”
I rolled my eyes even though it seemed like he meant every word. “Where the fuck is this coming from, Derek? Why do you walk in here after three months of silence and profess your undying love for me? How can you fuck all those women while wanting to be with me till death do us part? Derek, you have two personalities. That one is off, and now this other one is on. It’ll revert back—”
“It never will. It never fucking will. This is me—forever.”
“Why?” I snapped. “Why?”
He inhaled a deep breath as he stared me down, his eyes angry and emotional at the same time. “Because I’ve changed. There are moments in life that make you examine your priorities, that make you wake the fuck up and realize you’ve been wrong about everything…and those moments define you forever. That moment has happened to me. That moment has made me realize you’re the fucking world to me and I would die if I ever lost you…”