When he’d told me before he had changed, I didn’t believe him. There was no reason to believe him at the time. But now, I did. I knew that this had forced him to grow, forced him to rise to the occasion, forced him to reflect on his mistakes. But it didn’t erase what happened. It didn’t erase what I had to experience. “Derek…”
He closed his eyes and inhaled a deep breath, knowing my answer just by the tone in my voice.
I didn’t want to go through every little point all over again, not when he was hurting. I wanted to be as kind as possible, to make this as easy as possible. “I believe you. I believe that you’ve grown. I believe that you’ve changed. I believe that you’re ready. But it’s been four months of hell for me. And I just… I’m still traumatized by everything that happened.”
He didn’t look at me again, keeping his eyes closed.
“I’m sorry.” I really was. I was truly devastated that I had to hurt him like this.
Two tears welled in his eyes, but before they could fall, he wiped them away with his palm. He gave a loud sniff before he opened his eyes and stared at his hands. Now his eyes looked lifeless, like he felt worse than he had when he’d sobbed in my arms.
It made me want to cry. “I’m always here for you. I will be here for you through this. I’m still here, okay?”
He shook his head. “I want you, all of you…please.” He lifted his gaze and looked at me again. “Tell me what I can do to fix this. Tell me what I can do to make you feel differently. I can tell you right now that you aren’t going to find a guy out there who will love you more than I do. I can take care of you and Lizzie. I can be a good father to your daughter.”
“Please…don’t do this.”
“I have to.” He moved his hands across his chest. “You are my soul mate, Emerson. I can’t let you walk away. I just can’t.”
I started to cry. “Just let it go—”
“No. I let you go before. I’m not going to do it again.”
“Derek—”
“Come on—”
“You dumped me in a stairwell.” I burst into tears, tears I’d been holding back for a long time. When I yelled at him, I was ferocious and angry, not a weak, crying mess. I stayed strong, I saved face, but now, I couldn’t. Now, I had to say more things to hurt him when it was the last thing I wanted to do in this moment. “I loved you so fucking much, Derek. You were a risk, but I took it anyway. I told you how I felt about you every day, so you would never leave. I made you feel appreciated every chance I could because I never, ever wanted to lose you. I trusted you more than anyone else in the world, even my parents. I went from being in a perfect relationship to being dumped… I’m traumatized. And those months we were apart were fucking brutal. The crying, the depression, the sorrow, the desperation that you would call or text me and I would take you back without hesitation because I was so pathetic. Then all the months of you acting like I didn’t matter, that I could get hit by a bus and it wouldn’t make a difference. Traumatizing. Derek, this conversation wouldn’t even be happening right now if your mother hadn’t gotten sick. If that had never happened, nothing would have changed. I don’t want to trust you because you had a wake-up call. I want to trust you because you never left and never hurt me.” I forced a few deep breaths so the tears would stop, so I could compose myself and not look like a mess when I went home. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to say these things to you, so please just let it go.”
His head was bowed and his eyes were closed, like he couldn’t bear to watch me cry.
“I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Your family doesn’t deserve it. No one does. And I will be there for you because…I will always love you.”
He opened his eyes and looked at me, his eyes wet with unshed tears.
“It’s not because I’m obligated. It’s because…I love you—”
“I love you too.” He inhaled a deep breath, as if exchanging the words that we hadn’t exchanged in a long time gave him some comfort. “I love you…so fucking much. With every piece of me…I love you.”
19
Derek
Mom took a nap after dinner, so it was just Dad and me at the dinner table.
He sat across from me, his hands together with his lips resting against them, his eyes on the table.