“I’m…I’m so sorry.” He lifted his gaze and looked at me again, his eyes wet. “I know I’ve been an asshole to you through this entire thing, taking it out on you like a punching bag. And I don’t know why. I love you more than anything in this world…even your mother.”
“I know, Dad.” My hand moved to his arm, comforting him even though I was the one wounded.
Once he felt my touch, his eyes watered more, like the compassion was everything that he needed right now. “I don’t know why I’m sabotaging this relationship when you might be all I have…if she’s gone.”
“Dad, that’s not going to happen.”
“I’m scared, Derek. I’m scared. I’ve never felt so helpless. I’ve always taken care of her, and now I can’t help her.”
“I know…I know.” I continued to rub his arm.
He stood there with tears rolling down his cheeks, like he didn’t even feel them. “I didn’t mean anything I said—”
“I know.”
“I’m just…”
“Dad, I understand more than anyone. I understand what it’s like to crack under the stress and destroy the world around you…because it’s easier than feeling the pain. Trust me, I get it.” And I was very successful at it. I had nothing to show for these last ten years. I had less than what I started with.
He cupped the back of my head and looked into my face. “You forgive me?”
I nodded. “Always, Dad.”
He inhaled a deep breath, his eyes watering more, and then pulled me in for an embrace. He held me like he wanted to be there for me, rather than using me as a crutch. He was my father again, being there for me, being the man I remembered and admired. “I love you, little man.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
My dad slept in one of my guest bedrooms, and we woke up and had coffee and breakfast together the next day. I hadn’t expected him to stay over, but I didn’t ask why he didn’t go home.
Lizzie and Emerson were coming over after lunch, so we had a few hours before we had to go back to my parents’ place.
He sat across from me and drank his coffee, his hair messed up and his shirt wrinkled.
I made scrambled eggs and toast, and we ate together in silence.
He added pepper to his eggs and sliced into them with a fork. “I don’t want to go back…”
“Why?”
He shook his head slightly. “The shame.”
“I don’t remember you sleeping on the couch when I was little.”
“Because I never did. Your mother and I don’t fight—never have.” He pulled his mug toward him and took a drink. “And when she needed me most, I failed her, failed our family, and she threw me out like I deserved. How am I supposed to look her in the eye after what I’ve done? I can apologize, but…” He shook his head. “I failed her. No amount of apology will fix that.”
“Mom told me that we forgive and forget, because that’s what families do.”
He closed his eyes, in pain. “She’s already forgiven me without an apology, because that’s the kind of person she is. Makes me hate myself more. She always tells me I’m the brilliant one making a difference in this world. I get a lot of credit because of my research and my awards. But people don’t understand that she’s the better one of the two of us. She’s the one who’s made me a better person. She’s the reason I’m not a dick.”
It reminded me of Emerson, how she helped me grow, how she helped me become a man I never thought I would be. “At least you know she’ll be there when you get home.”
“Yeah.” He took another drink of coffee and turned to me. “I know you screwed things up with Emerson, but she’d still be the luckiest woman in the world to have you. If she loves you the way your mother loves me, she’ll come back…eventually.”
I dropped my gaze and looked at my plate. “I fucked up pretty bad, Dad. I dumped her and never spoke to her again. I went back to my old ways…with Fleur and whoever else. Even though I’ve changed, that’s not enough.”
“I never said she wasn’t entitled to every feeling that she feels. But in my experience, when two people love each other, they’re going to be together, no matter what. I’m sure she knows that you’re never going to hurt her again, so if she doesn’t come back, she’s going to lose the best thing that ever happened to her. If she hasn’t realized that yet, she will. It’ll happen.”
20
Emerson
Lizzie was old enough to understand what was happening, so she turned quiet and withdrawn, visibly shaken by the news. Lizzie didn’t click with new people very well and she wasn’t a fan of meeting strangers, but she’d taken a liking to Cleo and Deacon instantly. So, this was hard for her, because she cared.