“Uh-oh. Your right eye is twitching. That’s your warlord face. What are you going to do, Boz?”
“After I find out the name of the scoundrel who deflowered my bride next to a pile of gourds and tie his legs in a knot?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
I shake off my anger. “Never mind. I will allow Stella time to digest. Perhaps the distance will make her long for me.”
“That’s it? That’s your grand gesture to win her heart?” Neli’s mouth falls open.
Not enough? All right. Thinking… I scratch my scruffy chin. If I cannot win her over directly, then perhaps there is another way to her heart. I know! “I will focus my efforts on the very thing that makes her heart happy. The one thing she values most in this world.”
Neli’s face turns sheet white, a startling contrast to her black dress that makes her look nearly vampirific. “Oh no. Please don’t tell me you’re going to take her family hostage and force her to marry you.”
“No. Although that is a very fine idea. However, I think winning them over is a more prudent plan if I wish to spend eternity with her and not worry about being staked in my coffin each night.”
“Agreed. So…?”
“So, you will point out the judges to me.”
“Boz. No.” Neli groans.
“Yes.”
“No. Stella will not be happy if you do what I think you’re doing.” She shakes a finger at me, and I notice she’s painted her fingernails red.
Still can’t resist her whoring ways, I see. She is lucky I care for her so much, or I would have her fingernails removed to teach her a lesson.
“Then we will make sure she never finds out,” I say. “So cool your jets.” Read that helpful phrase in Men’s Magazine. Right after I laughed hysterically over an article about pills for human men who can’t get “stiffies.” Losers. Do they not know they simply have to fill a clay jar with walnuts and leave it on their windowsill under a full moon, as an offering to the God of Erections? That’s what the men of my time used to do, and look at all the people we have now!
Neli makes a little growl, displeased by my plan. “Boz, if you hypnotize the judges to give the award to Stellariva, and it’s not actually the best wine, I guarantee she’ll know. She’s too smart not to figure it out. The wine will be slammed by connoisseurs and wine snobs around the globe. Thousands will wonder how their wines beat out the better wines.”
“Wine preference is subjective.”
“Said no judge ever at this contest.”
Grrrr… I loathe when Neli is right—I mean disagrees with me. Nevertheless, this is war. War for love. And every vampire knows that one must use every weapon in his or her arsenal to win wars. “Not to worry, Neli, I know what I’m doing.”
“Please, Boz. Please reconsider. Stella wouldn’t want our little project to win through cheating. She’s a good person, remember?”
That urge to be a stand-up vampire for my mate kicks in, and I feel my heart start to beat like a drum inside my chest. But Stella is nowhere near me.
What does this mean? I do not know, but I feel something shifting deep inside me. “Very well. I will find another way.”
She lets out a sigh. “Good. That’s good. Because if you’re going to break the curse, you’re going to have to step up and be the unselfish hero who’s learned his lesson about what it means to be a good man. I read it in your character arc.”
“Neli, have you been licking toads again? I thought I made it clear that the use of hallucinogens is not permitted by staff. Please cease immediately. Oh, and thank you for reminding me of the curse and my imminent destruction at the hands of the woman I am meant to love for all eternity.” Prince Bozhidar, I curse you to sleep until a woman is born who will teach you humility and kindness, whose beauty is so majestic, it will bring you to your knees. She will break your heart, and you will feel the misery, same as I.
“Boz, I can’t speak for Olga, but I do know one thing: If she’d truly wanted you to suffer, she would have tied you to a stake in the town square, let her evil crows pick you apart piece by piece, then covered your raw flesh in flammable liquid, and used your severed manhood as the torch to light you on fire.”
I cringe. “So vivid.”
“I know.” She smiles with a satisfied glassy look in her eyes. “It’s my go-to happy place.”
I snarl at Neli.
“Sorry.” She clears her throat. “The point is, Boz, I don’t think Olga wanted to destroy you. She just wanted to mess with your head and teach you a lesson—she was in love with you but probably knew she could never have you. Witches and vampires can’t be mates. And she probably knew her magic couldn’t keep you asleep once your mate came onto the scene. Destiny waits for no man. Or wo-man.”