And he deserved to know everything before…well, before he decided if he loved me too.
“I have to tell you everything,” I said, my nerves fraying at the edges. I wrung my hands, and he shifted on the couch to fully face me. “And I know if I keep kissing you, I will lose the little nerve I have. But I just dropped the L bomb on you, and I feel like I’m cheating you because you don’t know the full extent of why I stay off of social media and why I have a stigma against celebrity athletes.”
Logan visually swallowed. “You don’t have to—”
“I do,” I cut him off. “What’s happening between us? This thing we can’t deny? I don’t want my horrid past to haunt this beautiful present. I don’t want there to be a ghost between us. A secret.”
Logan glanced away from me for a few moments, then nodded.
I understood the slightly panicked expression on his face—the fear, the regret. He didn’t have a clue what bomb I was about to drop on him, and hell, he may not want me after. And maybe that was part of my driving need to come clean with him about the one last piece of me I hadn’t shared—the humiliation, the pain. I needed to lay it bare so I knew without a doubt that he loved me for me.
I sucked in a breath, then blew it out slowly. “Okay, here goes everything.” I looked at my hands, unable to meet his eyes. “Like I mentioned before, in college, I opened up to people more. Attended more parties. Mingled. And I met him at one of those parties—a celebration for the football team winning a game.” I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as I dug into my past, looking at it from the perspective of the woman I’d grown into and hating myself for the mistake I made. “Jeff was everything I’d never known—popular, handsome, and he wanted me. I didn’t know why. But he did. We started dating, and I’m ashamed to admit it, but it felt good to be on his radar. To be his girlfriend when he had an insane fan base that worshiped the ground he walked on. Everyone knew he’d go to the NFL—scouts were practically chasing him down.”
Logan waited, patient as ever, as I collected another breath. “We grew closer, and I thought I loved him. I ignored the red flags. Those moments when he’d become possessive when any other man tried to speak to me, even in an innocent way. I ignored his need for attention, his need to be my sole focus, even over my studies. I ignored the way he reveled in the attention from his fans, the way he boasted about NFL offers, and all the people who’d burned him along the way and how he’d retaliate once he’d reached the top. I ignored so much because in the end…he was kind to me and told me he loved me. And I believed him.” I closed my eyes, shame and mortification tightening my skin. “I trusted him. In everything. I let him know the fantasy I’d always had. The one about being tied up.” I pressed my lips together, giving him this piece of myself I’d kept hidden. Because it had been too raw to talk about, but with Logan? I felt safe again. Like I wanted to try to explore that fantasy again, and I hoped he could read that in my eye.
“I admitted the thought of restriction thrilled me,” I continued. “In my mind, it was about him taking care of me, the way he claimed to love me. And me, in return, giving him full control.” I cringed. Flinched against the memory. The pain. “And he leaped at the opportunity. Not only did he handcuff me to a fucking drainpipe in his dorm room…” I cleared my throat from the tears threatening to choke me. “He blindfolded me despite my reservations. He assured me I was safe. That he would take care of me. And I was the one who’d brought it up after all, so I suppose in reality, it was my fault. I’d asked for it.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. “But he didn’t take care of me. He was rough and fast and only saw to his own pleasure. His own comfort. The man had enough gall to taunt me through my tears. To say how lucky I was to be fucked and owned by him—a celebrity athlete bound to be a legend. And in that moment, something broke inside me. Some window shattered and I saw him for what he really was—selfish bordering on malicious. An arrogant celebrity who thought he could do whatever he wanted to people. That it was his right and no one could touch him because of his status and family money.” I sighed, shaking my head. “I ended it that night thinking that would be the worst of it. But I was so, so very wrong.”