“What? Did you just conveniently forget that boyfriend you’re supposed to have in Perth? Or do partners not count when they’re more than a mile or two away?”
My heart felt like stone, sinking through my body. Two years and we’d never had this argument. And when we did, it wasn’t even about Greg. It wasn’t even about something I’d actually done.
I made the right decision this time! I wanted to scream. I did the right thing and walked away. I was a grown-up. A drunk, lust-driven and seriously annoyed grown-up, but still…
But Ellie wasn’t listening.
“I thought you’d grown up, Kia,” she said, her voice dripping with disappointment, and also a hint of being proved totally right. I was used to disappointing people, but I’d only really let her down once. One colossal, awful time. Apparently she’d grown used to it fast. “I thought, when you came back, that maybe you’d spent your two years away thinking about what you’d done.”
“I did! And I have grown up!”
“Really? Sneaking off to cheat with another man, acting on impulse, not thinking about the consequences, or other people… Sounds like the same old Kia to me.” I’d never heard that cynicism in her voice before, and it broke my heart to know I put it there. “It doesn’t matter to you that Edward’s got his own problems. His own heartbreak. Does it? Not when you can just run away to Perth again, the minute it all gets too difficult.”
“I left because I thought you wanted me to!”
“You ran away because that’s what you do. You always have.” Ellie slammed the bottle in her hand down on the dressing table, and I winced, hoping it wouldn’t smash. “Even when we were little, if you were in trouble or something broke or went wrong, you’d run. Into the woods, or the attic – or to Nathaniel. Because you knew he’d protect you.” She shook her head. “Perth is just the same thing, all over again. So run, Kia. Run and don’t look back. Let those of us left behind pick up the pieces. We’re used to it.”
She swept out of the room, slamming the door behind her so hard that the perfume bottles rattled.
“I have grown up,” I told the empty room. “And I’m not running away.”
I’m not sure even I believed myself, though.
Maybe I’d made one right, grown-up choice – not sleeping with Edward. But look where it had got me? Right back where I started.
Eventually, all the things I’d brought with me, and a couple of precious things from the boxes in the attic, were all tucked away in my pull-along suitcase, sat on the bed beside a pile of vintage clothing and accessories.
“It’s not that I’m not going to see Edward,” I told myself. “I’m just going to drop these back to Therese first.”
Downstairs, the family had apparently taken some sort of hangover vow of silence. They were spread out across most of the rooms of the ground floor, all quietly reading, or just sitting, and staying out of each other’s way. Which seemed like a fine idea to me.
“What time’s your train?” Dad called quietly from the kitchen as I passed the doorway. “If it’s later this evening, I might have got my blood alcohol level down far enough to take you.”
“No chance,” I said, smiling as much as my headache would allow. “Got to be at Chester by four-thirty. Don’t worry; I’ve called a cab.”
Dad nodded, and dropped his head back to the table. “Might be for the best,” he mumbled into his arms.
Outside, it was another glorious sunny day, which seemed mean and unnecessary, really, given everyone’s sensitivity to light and sound. Caro was enjoying it though; she was sitting out on the front steps, sorting through a small pile of books.
“What’re you doing?” I asked, shielding my eyes from the sun as I looked at her.
“Research,” Caro said, gathering up the collection. Looking closer, I realised they were all books on the paranormal.
“I’m going down to Therese’s cottage,” I said. “Want to come with?”
Caroline nodded, and ran to put her books inside on the telephone table before joining me on the path.
Therese seemed to be suffering less than the rest of the family; she was already out in the garden, pulling up weeds, when we arrived.
“Just returning your beautiful outfits,” I explained, holding up the armful of slippery fabrics and sparkly jewels.
Therese held her head on one side as she looked at me, then nodded sharply. “I’ll look after them until you come home next,” she said. Which made no sense at all, since they were hers to begin with.
“Can I help you in your garden?” Caro asked, tugging on a honeysuckle stem. “Everyone up at the house is supremely boring today.”
Therese smiled, and untwined Caro’s thin fingers from the plant. “Of course you can. Let’s start in this bed over here.” She led her to a more sparsely populated bed, and began instructing Caro on how to tell the difference between plants and weeds.
“I’ll just put these in the kitchen, then,” I said, and Therese waved a hand at me.
“Thanks, Kia. What time’s your train?”
“Four-thirty,” I answered and Therese twisted her head around to nod at me and said, “I’ll come up to the house to wave you off.”
Which left me all out of excuses. I deposited the clothes inside the cottage, and set off to find Edward. Not because of what Ellie had said. But because I wanted to see him, one last time, before I went.
In the end, finding him was much easier than it had any right to be.
I slid onto the shady bench Edward had chosen, and looked out across the Rose Garden at all the denuded branches and stems.
“Sorry I ran out last night,” I said, quietly. “I was just… I suddenly realised some stuff, and it didn’t seem like such a good idea.”
Edward smiled softly at me. “Saskia, it’s okay. You’re right. It was a stupid idea. We were drunk and lonely, that’s all.” We were selfish, lonely people… Greg’s words haunted me.
But this time it was different. That wasn’t all, not to me. My heart ached at his words. I hadn’t stopped because I didn’t want him, I’d realised, tossing and turning in my bed alone that night. I’d stopped because I wanted him too much to have him that way – a drunken one-night stand before I went away again. If I were ever to have a chance with Edward, I wanted it to be real. A
lthough, right then, I couldn’t see any road that led to that happening at all.
But maybe he didn’t mean it either. Ellie had said something about heartbreak, hadn’t she? And he’d said, last night, that I was the last person he should want to get to know. Maybe he had his own grown-up reasons not to fall into bed with me.
“Ellie said…” I started, then stopped. After all, I didn’t really want him to think I only came to find him because of my sister.
“I heard the yelling,” he said, drily. “That’s one of the reasons I headed out here. It’s never good to hear oneself talked about in anger.”
“I’m sorry.” Colour flooded my cheeks. He’d heard all that? Not that I imagined it was anything Ellie hadn’t said to him about me before. Still…
He waved a hand. “It’s fine. And I can guess what happened after I stopped listening. Ellie told you that I’m damaged by previous relationships, and you have to be very careful,” Edward surmised. “I’m not actually that delicate, you know.”
“I know.” Except I didn’t, really. I hardly knew anything about him at all.
“Besides, you have a boyfriend.” Edward raised his eyebrows at me and I shivered, even in the sunshine.
“Duncan,” I said. “Yes.” Edward was silent, perhaps waiting for me to go on. “I mean, yes, that’s one of the reasons I stopped…everything, last night. But no, he’s not my boyfriend. Not really. He’s my boss, and sometimes we…” Oh God, I really didn’t want to be having this conversation. “It’s not a relationship, nothing like. And I think it’s over now, anyway. Or it will be, when I get back.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I…I realised last night that it’s time for me to grow up. Move on.”
“Not have sex in attics with strange men.”
I laughed, amazed at his ability to break the tension, even now. “Something like that.”
“And you don’t see Duncan as part of your grown-up life?”
“Definitely not.” I’d got a glimpse of what I did want in that life the night before, in the attic, but I wasn’t telling Edward that. Not if he believed that last night was just two outsiders with too much alcohol.