‘I haven’t seen him in fourteen years,’ I reminded her again, since it seemed to be slipping her memory. ‘Last night was one kiss. It’s not love. It couldn’t be.’
But even as I said it, a horrible certainty was crawling up my spine, spiralling inwards towards my heart. A feeling I hadn’t felt in so long I’d almost forgotten I’d ever experienced it at all.
The last time I’d felt it, I’d been standing in an open doorway, looking back into my bedroom at the man naked in my bed, before walking out the front door, towards my future.
‘Couldn’t it?’ Therese asked.
And this time, I didn’t have any answer for her at all.
***
I couldn’t shake the conversation with Therese from my mind as I made my way back up the snowy path, towards Rosewood House. Everything she’d said about moving on… I knew she was right. It was pointless to stay stuck in a life that had stopped working for me – that even my own husband had jumped ship and abandoned.
Maybe the reason I was clinging on to it so tightly was the same reason that Nathaniel hadn’t left Rosewood – it was familiar. And far less scary than whatever might come next.
Because if I was going to take a risk in one area – say, my love life – I knew instinctively it wouldn’t be enough for me. I’d want to change everything. Go hunting after all those dreams I’d abandoned so many years before.
But that wouldn’t be fair on Max. The difference between now and fourteen years ago was that I really was a grown up this time around, and I didn’t have only myself to think of any more.
I looked up as the snow menagerie came into sight, only to see that the penguins, elephants and tentacled creatures had been joined by a figure in a dark red jumper and jeans. Aiden stood watching me, his hands in his pockets, his dark hair ruffled by the breeze. For a moment, I was thrust back in time again – feeling his steady gaze on me as I spoke with Darren at the front door, waiting to see which way I’d jump.
Well, given that jumping away from Aiden was what had brought us here in the first place, I figured it was about time to try moving towards him, instead.
‘I can’t do anything that will hurt Max.’ I blurted the words out as soon as he was in earshot, and his welcoming smile faded a little.
‘I’d never ask you to.’ He didn’t move, didn’t step towards me. He was waiting for me to make the first move, I realised.
I took another step closer. ‘I know that. But I just… he’s what matters most, and I need you to understand that.’
‘I do,’ he said, with a slow nod. ‘But have you actually asked Max what he wants?’
‘Not yet,’ I admitted. ‘And I know I need to talk to him. And I need to think about what happens next, and I need to plan, and –’
Aiden interrupted my rising panic. ‘Just so you know, I actually only came out here to tell you that Tony’s about to call everyone in for lunch.’
‘Oh.’ I deflated, all my grand schemes and dreams drifting away into the winter sky.
‘But I have to say, this conversation seems even more important than Christmas dinner, right now. Which, given that Tony is cooking it, is really saying something.’ He held out a hand to me and, after a moment, I reached forward and took it.
‘I’ve been talking to Therese,’ I said, by way of explanation. ‘She had a lot to say on the subject of moving on.’
‘Not looking back?’ Aiden asked.
I shook my head. ‘I can’t do that. I’m not the Freya you fell in love with fourteen years ago, Aiden. I’m not even the same Freya I was before Darren left. I’m a new person. And I need a little time to figure out exactly who that is.’
‘Fourteen years wasn’t enough, huh?’ he joked, gently. Then he sighed. ‘I get it. I do. I just… I was so sure. Back then, I mean. I was so certain that you’d tell him to take a running jump, then come back to bed with me. But you didn’t. And this time around… I thought maybe my luck had changed. That maybe you were ready to, I don’t know...’
‘Act on instinct?’ I suggested.
‘Yeah. Maybe.’ He stared down at our joined hands, his shoulder slumped.
‘I’m sorry.’ For the first time in years, I wanted to be the girl who took the chance, who risked everything and won. The woman who went after her dreams because she wanted them, not because anybody else said it was the right thing to do.
And then suddenly, I realised.
I could be.
I could be anyone I wanted to, now.
I’d always be Max’s mum, the same way I’d always be my mother’s daughter. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t have my own life, my own dreams too. It just meant I had to think a bit more carefully about how to make it happen.
I tugged on Aiden’s hand, pulling him closer, and as he lifted his eyes to meet my gaze I felt that same, strange certainty filling me again. The one that curled in towards my heart and said yes instead of my usual automatic no.
The one that told me I was in love with Aiden Waites. Even if it was crazy, even if it was too soon, even if it didn’t make the slightest bit of sense.
That didn’t mean it wasn’t true.
Reaching up, I wrapped a hand around the back of his neck and brought his mouth to mine, putting all that certainty and emotion into the kiss. His hands clasped my waist, holding me against him, and I felt a rush of relief and love in the way his lips touched mine. And I knew, whatever happened, I couldn’t give this up again without a fight.
I had to make the right choice, this time. And I had to find a way to make it work.
But that meant I had some other things to do first.
Reluctantly, I pulled away, letting my hands drop to my side. Aiden kept his hands at my waist, holding me loosely as he stared down at my face, looking for answers.
‘Just give me a little time,’ I asked, hoping he could feel the promise in the words. ‘Let me do this right, this time.’
Whatever he saw in my expression must have reassured him enough, as he nodded and let me go. But I knew there was still doubt lingering behind his eyes. I couldn’t even blame him for that.
I ju
st needed to find a way to chase it away.
‘Come on,’ he said, stepping away from me, leaving me colder. ‘We don’t want Tony’s turkey to go cold.’
Chapter Eight
Christmas dinner was a most celebratory affair. Clearly the champagne had been flowing since I left earlier that morning, but it hadn’t affected anyone’s appetites – or the fantastic spread that Tony had put on for us all.
Ellie had laid out name cards by each place setting, and I took my assigned seat without looking who my neighbours were. Aiden had already sat at the other end of the table, giving me the time and space I’d asked for. Beyond that, it didn’t really matter who I sat with.
Not least because I had far too much thinking to do to waste time in conversation.
Anticipation thrummed through my veins, so distracting I could barely taste my food. Was I really going to do this? Chase my own dreams at last – starting with Aiden? There’d be other dreams too, I knew – I was already starting a mental list, with going back to study for my Masters degree right at the top. But they’d all take time and planning. Whereas with Aiden, time was the one thing I didn’t have. We were leaving tomorrow morning and, while I didn’t imagine we could have our entire future laid out before then, I needed him to know I wasn’t walking out on him again. That this wasn’t a repeat of fourteen years ago.
I couldn’t leave without him knowing at least that much.
Which meant I needed to talk to Mum, and to Max. I couldn’t go on pretending to be distraught about the breakdown of my marriage, when in reality I just wanted to see it as an opportunity to move on. I couldn’t move forward without them on my side.
Of course, that also meant telling them both some uncomfortable truths. I wasn’t sure which one I was looking forward to least. But the excitement and possibility filling me up from the inside told me that I could do it, however hard it was.
I had to. I couldn’t stay stuck in a life that didn’t feel like mine any more.
But by the time we were all stuffed with Christmas pudding, I still hadn’t figured out what to say. Around the table, everyone was slumped into a happy sort of food coma, paper hats still sitting at jaunty angles on Greg and Tony’s heads. Caro and Max had gathered up all the cracker jokes and were telling them to the assembled company in comedy accents, as we all struggled to find the energy to laugh.