‘What happened?’
He shook his head. ‘Apparently a deer ran across the road. Who knows where it came from.’
April turned around and bent down to watch the cheese on toast as it started to bubble. A few seconds later she slid the grill pan out and lifted the toast onto plates.
Riley was watching her carefully as she sat down opposite him. She could tell straight away that something was bothering him.
‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘Thank you for picking up Finn and looking after him.’ His bright green eyes were fixed on hers with an intensity she hadn’t expected.
‘No problem.’ She looked at the cheese on toast. He hadn’t started eating yet.
She could see his tongue pressed into the side of his cheek, as if he were contemplating saying something.
‘What?’
He met her gaze with those green eyes. ‘I didn’t have anyone else to call.’
She shifted in her chair. ‘So?’
He was still nursing the coffee cup in his hand. ‘That’s just it. I didn’t have someone else to call for Finn.’
She wasn’t quite sure where this was going but her skin prickled. ‘But you called me, I picked him up, everything was fine.’
He shook his head. ‘But it’s not right. Finn should have more family than me. I should have more people around him.’
Her stomach started to churn. ‘But you have your mum and dad. Didn’t you say your mum wanted to move closer?’
He ran his fingers through his hair. She took a bite of her cheese on toast. She wasn’t going to wait any longer.
‘That’s just it. I made a decision today.’
Uh-oh. This sounded serious. She swallowed quickly. ‘What?’
He shook his head. ‘I can’t leave Finn. I just can’t. Today, when I couldn’t get to him, it made me re-evaluate everything. I’m going to speak to the Colonel. He’s arranged things for me on a temporary basis. But I need to plan ahead.’
She gave a slow nod. ‘You got a fright, Riley. That’s understandable. It was unusual circumstances.’ She gave him a smile. ‘It’s your first time in this situation as a dad. It will feel different.’
Riley was staring at his cheese on toast. It was as if it were easier to look at that than to look at April. ‘Being a doctor, being in the army. It’s all been about me. That has to stop. That has to change. I can’t take an overseas posting again. Those days are gone. What happened if I was in Sierra Leone and Finn took ill? Who would take care of him?’
April had been about to take another bite and she froze, not quite sure where he was going next. Was he about to suggest her?
Please don’t suggest me.
But Riley shook his head again. ‘No. That’s it. I’m done. I have to look for something else. Something that will suit Finn.’
She frowned, part of her brain so mixed up about this whole conversation. ‘It doesn’t matter what you do, Riley. There will always be days when you’re not available. Maybe you just need to set up some kind of contingency plan?’
‘Maybe I just need to have a look at my life and wonder how I got here.’
His tone had changed and she jerked her head up.
‘What does that mean?’
‘What kind of guy am I, that a girl I went out with for two months fell pregnant and didn’t feel the urge to let me know? She didn’t even seem to want my name on the birth certificate. No financial support. Nothing.’
These thoughts had already shot through her brain. But she shook her head. ‘I can’t speak for Isabel. I have no idea what she was thinking about. But she did leave a will. And she named you as the person to have Finn. If she thought so badly of you, she would never have done that.’
‘Maybe she didn’t have any other options? Isabel didn’t have siblings, and her mum and dad were dead.’ He said the words bitterly.
But April could think a bit clearer. ‘No. She did have other options. One of her friends at the funeral said they’d offered to take Finn if something had happened. They’d had a drunken conversation once. But apparently Isabel said she’d made plans for Finn and she knew it was the right thing. She did have confidence in you, Riley. Even if you never had that conversation.’
There was silence for a few seconds. Then he kept going. ‘April, how well do we know each other?’
He was jumping all over the place. She was going from confused to bewildered. ‘Well...not very.’ She hated saying that. It seemed odd. She’d been there when he’d found out about his child. She’d gone with him to his first meeting with his son. And now today, she’d been the person to cradle and hold Finn while he’d cried about his mother.
He set down the cup and drummed his fingers on the table. ‘That’s just it. How well did I know Isabel?’
She choked. ‘Somehow I don’t think it’s the same thing.’
He gave the slightest shake of his head. ‘But it is. What am I going to be able to tell Finn about his mum? I hear what you’re saying but it still seems unreal. Why didn’t she tell me about Finn? Did she think I was some kind of deadbeat? Some kind of unreliable guy that wouldn’t pull his weight?’
She didn’t even know how to start to answer that question. She shook her head gently. ‘Maybe she was just an independent woman. Maybe getting pregnant was accidental; maybe it wasn’t. Maybe she’d reached a stage in her life where she wanted to have a child and didn’t want any complications.’
His gaze completely narrowed. He looked horrified. ‘A complication? That’s what I am? I’m his father!’ His voice had risen in pitch and she shook her head and glanced through to Finn’s sleeping form on the sofa.
‘Shh. I know that. You’re asking me to make guesses about someone I never even met. How can I do that? I have no idea what was going through Isabel’s mind. How can I?’ She took a deep breath. ‘Somehow I don’t think she’d write you off as a deadbeat. You’re a doctor, Riley. It’s hardly a deadbeat career. But maybe she thought if she told you that you might be angry with her. You said you were focused on your career. Maybe she knew that?’
He ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes. ‘But I’ve missed five years of my son’s life. I’ve missed so much. I didn’t hear his first word. I didn’t see his first steps.’ He shook his head again. ‘I wasn’t bad to Isabel. Why wouldn’t she tell me?’
April ran her tongue along her lips. She could see his anguish. See how distraught he was about all this. The tiny fleeting thought she’d had a few months back entered her mind again. She’d considered going out and trying to get pregnant. It had been the briefest thought. A moment of madness. She could have done to some random stranger what Isabel had done to Riley.
‘I have no idea about any of this, Riley. It’s horrible. I know that. But this isn’t about you. This is about Finn. You have to put all this aside. You can’t let Finn know that you’re angry at his mother. You can’t let him see this resentment. Isabel obviously didn’t need financial support from you.’ She paused; something he’d said had just struck her. ‘Your name—it isn’t on Finn’s birth certificate, is it?’
There was a real sadness, a weariness about him. ‘No. I had a discussion with the social worker. The will was clear. That’s why Finn is with me. But if I want to get my name on his birth certificate, there will need to be a DNA test and it will go through court. It’s just a formality. But it will also help if I want to change Finn’s name. Right now he’s still Finn Porter. He should be Finn Callaghan.’ He pushed the coffee cup away from him. ‘This is such a mess, April. I want to do everything right. But I can’t make up for five lost years. And the truth is I’m never going to get over that.’
She ached for him—she really did. Riley was a good man. The kind of man she’d spent part of her life searching for. But now that she’d found him?
It wasn’t the
right time. For either of them. And that made her sad. If she blinked she could imagine meeting him five years ago—when Isabel had. Before she’d known about her genetic heritage, before she’d lost her sister. When the world had still looked bright and shiny. Riley would have fitted in well.
If Finn was their child, would she have told him?
Of course she would have. She knew that with certainty.
But today she’d been overwhelmed by her motherly feelings towards Finn. They’d made her realise exactly what she was missing. Exactly what she would never be. And she wasn’t ready for that. Not right now.
‘You have to stop thinking about what you’ve lost, Riley.’ She reached across the table and let her fingers brush against his. ‘You have to start thinking about what you’ve gained. And that’s the best little boy in the world.’ She licked her lips again and prayed her voice wouldn’t shake. Because she meant that—she truly did. ‘Some people don’t ever get that far. They never get that chance, no matter how much they want it. Count your blessings.’
He looked up sharply, his gaze melding with hers. She knew she’d revealed part of herself that she hadn’t meant to. It was only words. And she hadn’t actually told him anything. But Riley was a doctor. A good doctor. He would pick up on the words she wasn’t saying.
He spoke carefully. ‘You’re right. Of course you’re right. If someone had told me a few weeks ago how much my life could change...’ His voice tailed off as he looked through at Finn.
Her heart swelled against her chest. A few weeks ago she would have said that Riley Callaghan was a cheeky charmer—a flirt, with good looks to match. It was part of the reason she’d kept her distance. She didn’t want the pull; she didn’t want the attraction. She had enough going on in her life.
But there was so much more to him. He was changing before her eyes. Watching him take these first few steps as a parent was enlightening. It was revealing more and more of the man to her. Was she really prepared for this?
‘I need to sort things out. I need to make plans. Get things in place.’ His voice cut through her thoughts.
She gave him a smile but his face was serious. ‘And that starts with you, April.’