She was trying her absolute best to hold things together. She could see the hurt in his eyes. She knew this was really what neither of them wanted.
He grabbed hold of her arm. ‘Wait a minute. You don’t mean this.’
She met his gaze. ‘You were just a distraction for me, Riley. A chance to not think about things. And, let’s face it, I was just a distraction for you too. I can’t give you what you want. We both know that.’ She couldn’t pretend that she hadn’t heard those words he’d just said to the nurse.
Confusion swept over his face. He looked as if she’d just punched him in the chest. ‘Finn,’ he stuttered. ‘You think you can’t love Finn?’ The cruel words had obviously stuck in his head. He looked shell-shocked.
‘No. I can’t.’
She pushed past him. She had to get out of here. She had to get away from him and find someone who could help her get to the bottom of this pain.
She walked as quickly as she could, her whole body shaking. Riley would hate her now, almost as much as she hated herself.
Maybe that was for the best.
She pushed open the door to the courtyard. The cold wind took the breath from her body just as another wave of pain hit.
The last thing she remembered was the white snow coming up to greet her.
* * *
Riley was stunned. At first he’d thought April was unwell. Her colour was terrible and she’d looked in pain.
But maybe he’d imagined it? Because when she looked directly into his eyes and told him she’d made a mistake and she couldn’t love Finn it had felt like a knife stabbing through his heart.
This wasn’t the woman that he knew. This wasn’t the caring, compassionate and supportive woman that he’d spent time with over the last few weeks. The woman who had stolen his heart and helped him reassess his life. Nothing about this felt right. He loved her. He just hadn’t told her that yet.
And it looked as if he wouldn’t be telling her that now.
How on earth could he be with someone who proclaimed they didn’t have the ability to love his son? They were a package. Nothing would come between them. He couldn’t let it.
His feet were rooted to the spot as she walked away.
Finn. He had to focus on Finn. Maybe he just hadn’t taken the time to get to know April properly. He’d been so caught up in being a good father to Finn, and acting on the attraction between them both, that he hadn’t really taken time to step back and think about the future.
His breath caught in his throat. That was a lie. He had thought about the future. He’d contemplated the words that April had said to him about the possibility of being sick. He’d sat next to Finn and wondered if he should take things forward.
Guilt swept over him. Of course he had. But surely it was his duty to Finn to consider these things and how they might affect him? Was that really why he hadn’t told April that he loved her?
It didn’t matter that he’d pushed those thoughts aside. It didn’t matter that even though he’d still been worried, the thought of not having April in their lives had seemed like a much more difficult concept than dealing with the fact she could get sick.
The truth was any one of them could get sick. Riley, Finn or April. Life was about taking risks. Taking the safe route could mean that he and Finn would miss out on so much more.
That was what he’d believed. That was what he’d thought after a long and sleepless night.
So why hadn’t he just told her? That he and Finn wanted April in their lives full stop.
‘Help!’ The shout came from down the corridor. Riley started running. It was one of the domestic staff—she was holding the door open to the courtyard. Two of the nurses came running from the other direction. And then he saw her.
April. Her body crumpled in the snow.
And he didn’t think he could breathe again.
CHAPTER TWELVE
EVERYTHING WAS WHITE. Everything was too white.
Fear gripped her. Was this it?
Then she heard a noise. A shuffle of feet.
She turned her head. A nurse gave her a smile as she pressed a button and made a BP cuff inflate around April’s arm. April grimaced. She’d seen this done a hundred times but she hadn’t realised it made your arm feel as if it were going to fall off.
After a few uncomfortable minutes the cuff released. She looked around. She didn’t recognise this place. ‘Where am I?’
‘Arlington General.’ The nurse gave her another smile. ‘I think you managed to give your work colleagues quite a fright. They’ve all been camped outside.’ She checked the monitor once more. ‘I’m going to go and tell the surgeon you’re awake. He’ll want to come and chat to you.’ The nurse went to leave then pointed to something on the bedside table. ‘Oh, someone left a present for you.’ She gave an amused smile. ‘Apparently it’s very important.’
The nurse seemed relaxed as she left the room. April tried to move in bed, letting out a yelp. Her right side was still sore, but this was a different kind of pain.
Had the surgeon removed her ovary? She let her hand slip under the covers to feel her abdomen. She had some kind of dressing on her right side. Why would he remove one, and not the other? Surely it was better to do both at once?
She looked from side to side. Her mouth was dry and she couldn’t see any water. There was a buzzer at the side of the bed but she didn’t want to press it. The nurse had just been in; surely she would come back soon?
Her eyes fell on the parcel. She frowned. It didn’t have the neatest wrapping she’d ever seen. But at least it was close enough to reach.
Yip. It looked like recycled wrapped paper, along with half a roll of sticky tape. She peeled away at a small piece of the paper that had managed to escape the sticky tape frenzy. It was something soft—very soft—and pink that was inside.
Now she was intrigued. What on earth was that?
There was a noise at the door.
She looked up. Riley. He was nervously hanging around the door. He looked pale. He looked as if he might have been crying.
Tears welled in her eyes. What she really wanted was a bear hug. But she couldn’t ask for that. She wanted to hug it out like she and Mallory used to.
‘The surgeon is coming,’ she said hoarsely. ‘I’m not sure that you should be here.’
He glanced over his shoulder and stepped inside. ‘I know that. But I had to see you. I had to know if you were okay.’
She pressed her hand on her stomach. ‘I don’t know, Riley. I have no idea if I’m okay.’
He nodded and hovered around the side of the bed. ‘They wouldn’t tell me anything. I mean, of course they wouldn’t tell me anything. I know they’ve phoned your mum and dad. They’re on their way.’
‘They are?’ Now she was scared. She was truly scared. They’d be coming down from Scotland in snowy weather. It probably wasn’t the best idea, but if they were on their way, surely it only meant one thing.
The paper from the present crinkled in her other hand as it tightened around the parcel.
Riley glanced at the door again. ‘It’s from Finn. He said you needed it. He said it was important.’ She looked down. She had no idea what it was.
‘Riley, I...’
‘Stop.’ He moved forward and grabbed hold of her hand. ‘I don’t want you to talk. I just want you to listen.’ She’d never seen him look so pale. ‘I don’t care what the surgeon tells you. Well, of course I care. But it won’t change how I feel, and it won’t change what I want to do.’ He took a deep breath and paused. ‘What I want us to do.’
She didn’t even get a chance to respond.
‘You’re part of me, April. Whether you want to be or not. I know you said you need space. I know you said the timing isn’t good for you. I didn’t expect to f
ind out I was a father and meet the woman I want to marry all in the space of a few weeks.’ He held up one hand as he said the words. ‘But too late. It’s happened. And it’s good. It’s great. I can’t pretend that it’s anything else. I should have told you the other night. I should have told you at the Christmas Dinner. I don’t know why I didn’t. But I love you, April. Finn and I love you. Yes, things may be hard at times. Yes, we might take some time to get used to being a family. But I didn’t believe you when you said you can’t love Finn. I’ve seen it, April. I’ve seen it in your eyes. It’s in every action you take, every move you make around him. You’re good for him. And you’re good for me.’ He stopped talking for a second to catch his breath. ‘Don’t push us away. Don’t. I am choosing to be part of your life. I am choosing for us to be part of your future. Whatever happens next, I want to be by your side. All you have to do is say yes.’
She couldn’t breathe. How could this be happening?
Didn’t he know what could lie ahead?
‘You can’t, Riley. You can’t hang around. It’s not fair.’